Yes, it is December. And that John Lennon song "So This is Christmas" keeps playing in my mind. "So this is Christmas? And what have you done? Another year over and a new one just begun." I re-read the post I wrote last December 29th about how positive I was that 2012 was going to be stellar, "off the charts and totally rocking" to quote myself. I was so sure 2012 would end our infertility battle and I felt that I was getting to a really good place personally and spiritually. I felt like I had come through whatever I needed to get through and that it was all going to be easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy from there on out....... Not so much.......
I am feeling better than I was last week at this time. Last Monday was my last night with the three girls I had for nearly a month. My last night getting up to feed and change the baby, my last sloppy dinner, the last bubble bath and book time.... But enough about that! This past weekend I had two little kids for respite (kind of like foster care baby-sitting) and it was nice to be busy and not all up in my head. And two kids is easier than three kids! The only stressor was thatwhile were at a church meeting one of the children who was lactose intolerant got ahold of some cheese and a Spanish pudding that is made of various kinds of milk products..... But, she was ok afterwards so I guess it wasn't such a big deal!
I did get a call last week for two different potential placements for legal risk. But, they were both from Berks County, so I'm not holding my breath. Even the worker from CHOR admitted that this county holds a grudge - nice right? Like I'm some monster who did some terrible thing? Please! At least it was encouraging to get calls only a few days after the girls left and after I notified CHOR of my decision to change to legal risk/adoption. I'm glad they are ok with the change. They just need me to re-write my home profile, since it was written when I was a "we." It was also nice to hear some validation that I'm not some terrible ogre and that BCCYS is somewhat tyrannical. Plus, I was told that the staff at CHOR were impressed with how good I did with the three girls I just had. Good to know, although I hope they weren't waiting for some epic fail! I hope they knew all along I could handle it! My mom has told me the same thing, that her and my dad were impressed with how well I managed with three children under 6, including a newborn. I guess when you have been waiting and wanting something for long enough, nothing is impossible once you get it!
Right now I am just carefully optimistic that I will have a placement before Christmas. Sadly, this time of year is when there are the most referrals..... I told my mom about the placement calls and she was so over-joyed at the idea of a placement by Christmas that it almost made me cry. I told her there was no guarantee. It would be wonderful - a perfect Christmas miracle! But, I cannot lose anymore of my heart by putting all my hope in that thought. Last year, I was so excitedly awaiting a phone call that would change my life. While that might still happen, I need to distance myself from those over-zealous feelings of exuberance. Better to temper hope with a healthy dash of reality. Could the Lord work in mysterious ways and send one of those placements from Berks County to me? Why sure He can! He's the omnipotent God of the entire universe! Will He do that? I don't know. I have prayed that He will but as much as I have tried this past year, I cannot out-pray God's will for a certain situation. Much like a tiny life raft caught in the swells of a raging hurricane, all I can do is hold on for dear life as the world spins out of control around me.
This weekend we are making Christmas cookies and it is my sister's birthday. Again, I am glad to have a distraction. I do need to work on getting the house back in order before my next potential placement, but I also need some quiet down time to heal emotionally and spiritually. I'll get around to the cleaning...... I have decided not to get a Christmas tree this year, nor will I be putting up any outside decorations except maybe a wreath on the door. I would rather concentrate more on what I have to be grateful for than worry about getting things decorated..... Besides, my mom does enough decorating for two houses! I will enjoy her decorations - I always loved our house at Christmas time! Candles in the windows, the stairway banister decorated with garland and our three stockings, the smell of the tree, everything just so beautiful! So, I will just take the time to enjoy the simple things and count the days until the worst year of my life ends and a new year with new hope begins.
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