Placement

Don’t tell me to think positively. Just don’t. For one, I have heard it enough. But, it also seems like every single time I do think positively well that’s when something awful happens and the cycle begins all over again. Sorry, but I think I have used up all my Pollyanna sunshine. The amount of negative things that have happened in my life this year are enough to rival that of Job’s predicament. Ok, maybe not that drastic, but almost….. I have lost pretty much everything I had when I started this year…..

Christmas is just days away now and each night I find myself just sitting in my kitchen, alone, sobbing. The cause last night was squabbling in my family about what each person or couple planned to do for Christmas Eve. For every other year of my life we have spent Christmas Eve with my father’s parents. It has never been a question or issue, we would simply be there. Well, now my grandfather’s health has not been the best and my grandmother decided she was not up to hosting Christmas Eve. We (being myself, my parents, and my sister – my brother has not been to a single holiday gathering since he was old enough to drive….) decided my mom and I would prepare a Christmas Eve dinner and it would be just our immediate family plus my sister’s boyfriend and my brother’s girlfriend if he decided to show up. Then, my mom’s brother called last week to invite us over to his house for Christmas Eve. My mom thought my sister would flip shit having the plans changed (because she at times in the past she has gone totally berserk at having plans changed), but as it turns out, my sister would like to go. So, last night, I was smack-dab in the middle of my sister complaining and thinking I was “on her side” and could commiserate, my aunt just wanting to know what we were doing so she could plan on how many people she would be feeding, and my mom and dad resolutely refusing to alter their plans and declaring they do not want spaghetti for dinner on Christmas Eve (which is what my uncle and aunt plan to serve). My sister doesn’t understand why my parents don’t want to go and what the big deal is about eating spaghetti for dinner. My parents were looking forward to just having “the kids” over for Christmas Eve dinner and I think it’s been hard on my dad realizing that my grandfather’s health has not be the greatest. I lost it. I lost the last shred of rational judgment and just sobbed as I spoke to first my mom and then my dad while simultaneously chatting with my aunt and sister on Facebook.

Generally, I am the one in the middle of these conflicts, trying to find a compromise that will make everyone at least agree if not be happy. But, right now I just can’t. I mean, seriously people! Could we please remember that this will be my first Christmas ALONE in 7 years? It doesn’t matter where I go, who I am with or what I eat – this Christmas is not going to be a good one. If fact, I just want this holiday season and this year to be over with. So excuse me if I decide that I just cannot put one more ounce of effort towards caring about this stupid issue. I have toyed with the idea of just staying home and eating cereal and watching Friends re-runs Christmas Eve. Bah humbug!

Wait, let me stop and put my rose-colored glasses back on and be positive…… That was sarcasm, incase that didn’t come through in blog-formatting. Do I have things that I can be grateful for? Sure I do. I am grateful that I am still healthy, that I have not lost my house to foreclosure or even come close, that my car insurance is paying for me to have a nice rental car, that CHOR didn’t kick me out of being a foster parent, that I have my parents and my sister and all my wonderful friends in my life. I could go on. And yes, I suppose I should concentrate on these happier, more positive things more and think less of the negative things. But, when you have been kicked and knocked down again and again and again, you tend to get a sore spot. How many times can you get knocked down and get back up? When do the losses begin to erode whatever simple joy there is in your heart? Sometimes I just have to look at reality and say, “this sucks!” There are no two ways about it, this current year has sucked. I would be deranged if I sat here and blithely said, “Well, things are just fine and dandy!” When you lose a marriage, a baby to adopt, financial stability, a car, a beloved foster care placement – it makes you want to cover up that soft, vulnerable positive spot inside your heart for fear the next time it gets pummeled it will not recover……

 

In other news, I got a call on my ride home this afternoon about two little kids I have had in respite a few times this past month. I had been asked if I would consider taking them as a foster placement because their current foster family asked for them to be moved. I never gave an official answer, I was called for another placement and then figured CHOR had moved on. Well, the call this afternoon was to see if I could take the kids again this weekend. I was going to have them on Sunday just during the day, but now I will have them all weekend long. And, I will be taking them as a foster care placement, assuming the county allows it. The kids are good when they are with me and in fact, they are really sweet, even if the older one can be a handful. I was just touched by their situation and I know it will only be temporary. Something inside me just said, "take them." I had been struggling with this decision ever since it was presented to me. Perhaps it was a prompting from God, I don't know. So, this postpones things for me, in terms of a legal risk placement, but I'm hoping that God has something in mind and is just holding out for the best placement once these two go back to their mom...... 

There is a unique situation developing, but it is so tenuous at the moment that I don’t even want to think about it, let alone talk about it. If it pans out, it will be a beautiful and miraculous blessing. If it does not pan out, I don’t want to be emotionally involved so that I won’t get hurt again….. If you think of me, please pray for the miraculous and beautiful blessing that it could be…..