It is finally time to bid adieu to the most miserable year of my life. Last New Years I was over-the-top optimistic and enthusiastic for a year I thought would be the best year of my life because I was so sure we would be adopting a baby. But, I went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows within the first six weeks of the new year. So, this year I am going to be cautiously optimistic. I figure, at worst, 2013 could only be the second worst year of my life and at best it could be a year of restoration and extreme blessing. I’m guessing it will fall somewhere in between. I just have such a desire for a new beginning this year. I want to shake off all the nasty shit from 2012 and get it behind me permanently. I want to be more positive, despite my circumstances and I want to restore my belief that good things can happen to me, rather than keeping my head down because surely there is something nasty coming my way. I have never felt so beat down by life like I have this past year. Sure, yucky things have happened to me in the past but they always felt like one incident, not like life itself was taking a whack at me. This year I have felt like I had a target on my back and no matter which way I turned there was something taking aim at me. I felt like a pebble caught in the crushing surf being pummeled upon the shore until it was broken down to the very core and there was nothing left to break off. I’m supposed to believe that the tough times will make me stronger. I’m supposed to find a deeper relationship with God when I am suffering. I’m supposed to think that only intense pressure turns coal into diamonds or something like that. If only one of the multitude of nasty things had happened this past year I think I could still believe that, but when they just kept piling on….. Nope. Yes, the intense pressure did turn me into something harder, but also something a little less trusting, a little less open, and a little less believing that good triumphs over evil.
But, now it is time to turn away from the past. It is time to look forward to the future. I am not creating grandiose dreams of 2013 in my head, but I am praying for a calm and quiet year. Yes, my hope is still to adopt and maybe that will happen in 2013 (or at least be under way). Hopefully, I can find more financial stability in this new year and get things on the right track. I hope that my heart can be healed and that I can again believe that something good is going to happen to me. I pray that I can get some of my optimism back. Here’s to a happy, healthy and blessed 2013.
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