Christmas is over. It was a white Christmas for us – it snowed about an inch Monday night and melted Christmas afternoon. We are expecting more snow today with sleet and freezing rain. I was expecting to get a call from CHOR today, up-dating me as to when the children would be moving to my place. I’m hoping it won’t be before the new year because I need to find a car. My car is officially totaled and they should be getting the check to me sometime this week. Then I will only have the rental car for 5 days before I become car-less. Car shopping with a three year old and a year old baby is illogical, to say the least. For the most part I am wholly resigned to having them for a the next several months, but sometimes I fantasize about getting a legal risk placement for an infant. I know it is irrational, but I have an overly-creative mind that I find hard to reign in.
Although I tried very hard not to dwell on unpleasant things (and succeeded for the most part), I had a few pangs of sadness at being a 5th wheel during Christmas (my parents and my sister and her boyfriend were all paired up). And I remembered how last Christmas I was so sure it was the last one without a little one present. Last Christmas we had been celebrating our acceptance and qualification as foster-to-adopt parents and were gleefully waiting for a call that would make us parents. How differently things turned out…..
I am trying hard to not reflect too much on the past year. What's the point? I just want to forget all the pain and misery I endured in 2012. I saw a post on Facebook earlier today saying how we should be thankful for everything that happened this past year because it made us who we are today and brought us to where we're supposed to be.... or something like that. I hate that. It seems to imply that a person had some kind of personality defect requiring some cataclysmic event to cause them to change. Maybe that is just because I have been trying to figure out the life's lesson from all that has occurred this past year. I liked the person I was last year and the year before that - I don't so much like the person this year has made me. I'm trying hard to not become that sullen miserable person who will never let anyone in because they have been so badly hurt. But hearing that I should jump for joy for all the things that have happened, like getting a baby taken away because my husband decided to leave - I should be grateful for that?! Enduring that made me a better person? How? I barely survived! Oh, right, it made me stronger because it didn't kill me. Because infertility wasn't enough to make me stronger? No, I am not grateful for all that happened in 2012. I'm grateful that I survived it and that it is over. I am ready for 2013, a new beginning and hopefully some happiness and joy.
I don't think everything happens for a reason, or that we even have to pretend that the horrible things that happen can somehow be made "ok" in the future because we pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and try to make things better. Nevertheless, I hope for both of us, that 2013 brings us a little less tragedy, and a little more peace.
ReplyDeleteI agree and wish the same for both of us! And thank you for your comment because I thought I must be daft thinking that it is possible terrible things happen just because terrible things happen, not for some deep, spiritual meaning. And just because I can't see a reason or lesson from it all, doesn't make me any lesser of a person. I don't want these nasty things to define me yet, inevitably they have changed me, changed the course of my life.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I can't believe you read my drivel, let alone commented on it. Your pain is the one thing I am always grateful I never had to endure. My heart just breaks for you and I can only offer prayers of comfort in your dark and nasty times. I offer my condolences, knowing no words can even begin to heal your wounds. Take care of yourself, as best you can and let others care for you when you cannot.