We had a very drama-filled weekend. Esperanza had a fight
with Primero over something she was told he said. Did you follow that? She was
upset because a supposed “friend” told her that Primero said something to the
effect “well, if she’s 18 then why did she have to come to us for help?” And
this resulted in her storming off and refusing to talk to Primero or me. All
because of a rumor. I tried to talk to her at the house before she ran off, but
she wouldn’t discuss the issue with me. Later over text she told me that’s just
how she is, she doesn’t talk about things and I can’t change her. Er, what? The
whole drama simply showed how emotionally immature she is, despite her
chronological age. As an adult, it is not acceptable that if I were to get
upset over something I just run off. And, even worse than that, when she did
come back she acted like nothing had happened. No. Not acceptable. I have plans
to have a serious heart-to-heart with her because the whole thing is simply
insane. My heart really broke for Primero because at one point Sunday afternoon
he broke down in tears. He felt like he lost his sister and it hurt him more
than words could say. Primero is not prone to tears. The only other time I saw
him cry was after court with his mother last spring when it seemed like
everything was going exceptionally well and Hermano would move back home very
soon, while TPR was looming for Primero. That too broke my heart.
It’s strange how my word of the year, stay, popped into my
head during this whole debacle. When I was trying to get Esperanza to see
herself as a part of our family, the word stay flashed in my mind and it came
back several times during the ensuing madness. We have gotten so used to
Esperanza’s presence in our lives that it seems hard to imagine how things
would be without her around. I know it would be exceptionally hard for Primero
because he’s so happy to have a piece of his original family with him and
thoroughly involved in his life. The trouble with the word stay is that it
needs voluntary cooperation from the other party for it to work. This
complicates things since everyone has their own free will and can make choices
that jeopardize the act of staying. One might attempt to stay the hand of
another, but ultimately, they will be unsuccessful if the other is not willing
to participate. Oddly, this leads to another stay idiom, which is to stay the
course, meaning keep on keeping no matter the obstacle. And I think both of
those ideas were what was on my mind regarding Esperanza. No one has ever
stayed the course with her. She even admits that herself. Whenever she had a
blow up issue occur the result was she found herself out on her ear, tossed
away with her problem to land on someone else’s doorstep. Why then shouldn’t
her reaction to problems be to run away? So, I must stay the course and try to
overcome the obstacle of her past to help her through it as well. It’s not an
easy thing. Just like it isn’t easy helping Chica Marie through her issues.
Fortunately, Primero and I click a little more and our personalities align a
little better in terms of dealing with conflict than do mine and Esperanza’s.
That doesn’t mean we can’t make it work, it just means there’s going to have to
be a lot of give and take to reach mutual understanding.
I became a foster parent officially on 12/6/2011. Never did
I envision myself where I am today four years ago. Some of that was naïveté – I
assumed I would still be married and I assumed adoption would be hard at first
and then get easier. I was wrong on both accounts. I was wrong in my
assumptions about Flaco and his true desires for a family and his feelings
towards me. I was also wrong to think adoption got easier. It doesn’t get
easier, you just get better at it and more accustomed to the drama it can
create in your life. You get better at putting on your big girl panties and
dealing with it. I remember speaking to Primero’s therapist who likened
adoption to marriage, in that two families became one. I saw this from Primero’s
point of view, but I didn’t consider it from my own. Yet, I’m as much a part of
Primero’s family as he is a part of mine. Our lives have become entwined to the
point that I’m trying to help (and parent, as much as she will let me) his
older sister, while worrying about his older brother (Hermano) and trying to
stay in touch with his eldest brother (let’s name him Mr. J) and younger
sisters (we are hoping to go to his younger sister’s game this week to watch
her cheerlead). I’m known to all of them (although I’ve had much less
interaction with his youngest sister because sadly her father doesn’t let her
spend much time with her siblings) and even connected through social media. We
spend holiday’s with his aunt and uncle and I’m getting to know some of his
cousins. These are things that I had never considered, in fact it never entered
my mind. In part, I think this is because I never had the intentions of
adopting an older child who would have a greater connection to biological
family, but also because I simply had no clue how this whole adoption thing
worked. I think I’m still learning and I know I’m still growing into my role as
adoptive/foster/acting mom. I wish I could say I “got this” and knew how to
handle every situation I find myself in, but I don’t. I wish I could say I
always remembered to check my expectations and preconceived notions about certain
behaviors or developmental progress, but I can’t lie and say I haven’t been
frustrated in dealing with certain things. And I don’t always hold my tongue
when I should stay quiet or speak up at the right time so I don’t miss the
boat. Nothing leaves me second-guessing myself like parenthood!
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