All the Feels

I have a lot to say and not a lot of energy to say it. I’m sad and angry. I’m tired and lost. I’m heart-broken and numb. My world feels unsteady and my future cloudy. This morning there was a big meeting regarding Chica Marie. It was me (obviously), the CHOR family worker, the CHOR adoption worker, the TSS worker, the mobile therapist, the county worker and her shadow for the day (maybe an intern?). Prior to the meeting, at the prompting of my family worker (in relation to an issue that I haven’t written about yet), I sent a very long, detailed email including as many things (behavioral-related things) as I could remember or had record of occurring. When I printed it out, it was 7 pages. Typed. Three long years of issues and things and incidents  - all of which have been reported either in person or via email to case workers, therapists, psychiatrists, and anyone else who would listen (professionally, not as in I shared private information with other’s who didn’t need to know). It was only once I sat and typed it all out that I was taken seriously. It was only when the weight of what we’ve been dealing with in our home on a constant basis was actually felt by the length of the email and the frequency of the happenings. Only NOW are things actually being added together. The help I’ve been begging for is finally here, only it’s not the help I thought I wanted. This morning it was recommended that Chica Marie, who has spent half of her few years in my home, should be moved to a therapeutic foster home because no one believes I have the ability to help her. The mommy she has known for these three long years might not be the mommy she thought was adopting her. Right now, I have more questions than I have answers. I don’t know when this move will happen. The county worker said it would be just weekends at first. I don’t know if this is temporary, as in get her stabilized and me better trained, or permanent, as in some other family will eventually adopt her. I don’t know what this means for Love Bug, although I know his placement is not being disrupted, I don’t know if his adoption is moving forward or stagnating with Chica Marie’s. So many, many unknowns. And I ache and hurt and wish things were not what they are right now.