This Too Shall Pass

Chica Marie has started sleeping on the floor in my bedroom. The bed is too full, with me, Love Bug, two cats (at least) and a beagle. It’s only a full, so not big enough for another wiggly body. So, she gathers blankets and her pillow and sleeps beside me on the floor. She is quite happy with the arrangement. I feel awful. I wish there were room in the bed for her. The next best thing, that does not make me feel like a very good mother, is a sleeping pad or sleeping bag. I don’t think a bigger bed is economical at this point, but perhaps something I could look into in the not-too-distant future. Chica Marie and Love Bug would really be quite satisfied if we all just slept together, snuggled up like a pile of puppies. I sleep better alone, with no toes separating my ribs, or hot breathing on my neck, or someone inevitably laying on my hair. Chica Marie is very sure a robber is going to break into the house and hurt her and Love Bug. Sleeping on my floor feels more safe than alone in her bunk bed. I just need to be able to sleep peacefully. It does not seem possible.

 

The one thing Primero was asked to do by our new family therapist was to eat dinner every night with me and the kids. Even if he doesn’t eat anything, he should come sit with us. Thus far, he has only had dinner with us when we went out to eat last week when it snowed. If he isn’t going to make an effort, is there any point? I haven’t said anything to him yet. Our next appointment is next Friday. Honestly, if he doesn’t want to make any changes, then I think we should just stop and realize this isn’t going to work. As painful as that would be, I don’t need him pretending he is going to try, while I promise to make changes (because I know my time will come, there will be things I too will be asked to do differently) in earnest. I don’t know why joining the family dinner is difficult, I don’t know why making that simple concession is not something Primero is willing to do.

 

On Friday Primero had a two-hour delay to start school. So did Chica Marie and me. He was not out of bed when we left the house. I tried calling him. No answer. I text him and he never responded. He was angry last week when the school had me sign absent slips and I asked them to notify me if he doesn’t come to school. He said I told him it was his choice. He can’t have it both ways. I can’t not know when he is in school but be expected to sign the absent slips. If he continues to miss days, he runs the risks of being kicked out of school. He is so sure he will graduate, but he thinks he can do it his way, following his own rules. He really needs a wake-up call. I will not be signing any more slips. It’s his problem.

 

Things have been feeling very overwhelming lately. With the holidays looming, I am struggling to keep going. I’m so tired so often. And I’ve been getting headaches, which is a clear indication the stress is getting to me. I think I’m looking forward to January, when the holidays have passed and the hustle and bustle have returned to normal levels. I just need to hold on until then. Happy Thanksgiving!

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