It's a New Year

Today is the last day of 2015. Generally, I like to take this time to reflect on the past year and makes plans for a better year to come. Facebook has helpfully reminded me of some painful end of the year events from a few years ago, specifically the Christmas  Miracle baby. As well as some sadly ominous declarations – such as declaring 2012 was going to be the BEST year yet when it turned out to be the worst year of my life. So, I haven’t had a very good track record when it comes to the end of the year. But, I’m starting to come around. For so long I was resentful that biology dealt me a raw deal that included infertility and angry with myself for being lousy at finding a suitable romantic match. I was angry at how my life had gone off the track in an unexpected way. Added to this disappointment was the heartache of things like the Christmas Miracle baby and the losses of other placements. I didn’t understand why I was forced to march this painful path and I was downright pissed off that it all had to happen the way it did. I saw no reason for the struggle, no goodness to come from the pain. I’ve questioned if “it” would all be worth it once I finally became a mother. In 2015 my dream finally became true – I became a mother officially on 12/9/15. In reality, I’ve been a mother since my first placement in January of 2012 because that is the first time I stepped into this roll of motherhood. But, it was only on a temporary basis and while I was acting out the motions of being a mom, I was not truly anyone’s mother. Now I am.

And so, I suppose, it is time to analyze my previous question – was all I have been through worth it to be Primero’s mother? Would I do it all again so that he would become my son? The simple answer is yes – I would do anything for Primero to be my son because I love him fiercely and I cannot imagine my life without him in it. But, would I really want to relive all that pain and heartache? No, not really. Still, I had a moment of clarity when I was listening to a motivational video a friend of mine has made. In it she asked us to think of someone we really admire. I thought of Helen Keller. Maybe that’s a strange person to think of, but I remember being about 13 and reading about her in school. The short story described how wild she was as a blind and deaf child and I tried to imagine how her world felt to her. I thought, she had every right to be wild! Then she met her teacher, Anne Sullivan, and her world changed because someone took the time to teach her. And Helen Keller went from a wild child to a gracious and bold advocator for people with disabilities. She travelled the world and spoke to thousands of people. Would we know the name of Helen Keller had it not been for a childhood illness that robbed her of her sight and hearing? No, we would not nor would she have been able to reach as many people as she did with her determination. Look at who we admire. Do we admire them because they had it easy, that life was simple for them? No, we admire a person because against all odds they succeeded, they reached a goal when it seemed downright impossible they could even take the first step towards it. I don’t admire Helen Keller because her life was perfect and rosy posy. I admire her because she didn’t let what might have been a debilitating disability keep her from shining or from following her heart and making the world a better place. I admire her because she became something in spite of her troubles and pain not because she managed to avoid trials and tribulations in her life. She didn’t let her shortcomings or the hand she was dealt hold her back. For too long I’ve lamented what infertility took from me and felt justified in my outrage and hurt. But, by allowing myself to wallow in self-pity I was robbing myself even more. I was letting my shortcomings hold me back, not just from greatness but from my life in general. Instead of thinking about what infertility took from me (and trust me, that list is long!), I need to look at what infertility has given me. Against all odds and despite my crappy attitude (most of the time), I’ve been given a son. Our story is beautiful and I can certainly see the divine intervention along the way. If I had gotten the Christmas Miracle baby or any previous potential placements I would not have my son. If I had been able to produce a biological child I might be stuck in a miserable marriage with a narcissistic jerk and not have the amazing son who’s smile melts my heart. I don’t believe things happen for a reason, but I do believe it’s what we make of things that can change their outcome. I made myself a promise that if I didn’t get an adoption placement by the end of 2014 I would be done, I would stop trying to adopt and give up entirely on motherhood. Little did I know that in 2014 I would be placed with my son by the end of February, a newborn the end of June, and a little girl the beginning of August! I wish I could say I was able to remain positive and upbeat the whole time I was waiting, but I wasn’t I let the heartache break me. Still, like a phoenix, I rose out of the ashes each time determined to see it through to the bitter end.

 

I can’t promise I won’t ever fall back into the trap of feeling sorry for myself because infertility robbed me of a dream or that life just hit me upside the head for a few years. I’m sure I will still have days where I feel like that. My sincere hope is that I won’t wallow in those feelings allowing them to make me believe my life is ruined, but see them as an opportunity for personal growth because of the experience. It’s been a hard lesson to learn, that pain is often necessary for beauty, that sometimes the only way to get what we want is to suffer for it. I don’t think it is in our nature to advocate for pain and suffering, but it is sometimes a necessity in life. Adversity is often times the catalyst to change for a better tomorrow. That’s human nature, I think. So, what does my latest epiphany have to do with the new year? Well, my hope is that I will be able to build on this to see the change in myself that I want to see. I have a nasty little inner perfectionist that wants to dictate a litany of things I need to change about myself, but I won’t let her. I am choosing to concentrate on one major change and two smaller changes. The major change is my weight. It’s out of control right now and has been that way for too long. Yes, I want to look better in pictures for my sister’s wedding, but I also need to get serious about this for my own sake. And yes, I’ve said this before and yes, this has been a new year’s resolution for many years, but it needs to happen and I’m serious about that. And I have a plan. I’m joining a 21 day challenge group with my Beachbody coach (I really hate that name, but whatev) and I’m not stopping until I’ve reached my goal weight. The smaller changes are for me to be more organized, specifically with house cleaning. And I have a plan for that too with the Fly Lady (it’s a website). My final change is to yell at the kids less and that relates to the Orange Rhino website and should be interesting as I try to be more healthy by getting up to work out at 5 am.

 

And so there you have it! 2015 is drawing to a close and we will be spending the evening with Hermano (his foster father called last night to confirm the plans – geeze!) and we will usher in 2016 with hopes for a happy and healthy new year!

Package Deal

Monday I had my annual reevaluation for my foster care license. My family worker is changing again. I’m fine with that, not that I won’t miss my current family worker, but I know the new family worker and we get along fine, so it won’t be a big deal. We have also been assigned a new case worker. Her very first day on the job and the very first thing she did was attend Primero’s adoption. I’m glad she got a good first impression of us! Both Primero and I were startled when we saw her in the court room because her facial features match those of our previous case worker. She seems equally as nice so I’m hopeful it will be a good match. As much as I dislike educating a new worker, especially this late in the game, thus far she seems to be very eager and I hope her enthusiasm lasts. I spent a good deal of time talking to both CHOR case workers regarding Chica Marie and the struggles I have with her behaviors. The house inspection was brief and we passed easily. We had recently moved Love Bug’s crib into Primero’s room because Chica Marie turned 5 and those were the rules – siblings of a different gender could not be in the same room once one of them turned 5. Why 5 is a mystery to me, but who am I to question the rules? The move has been one no one is happy with, not me (especially not me because running downstairs for the baby is so inconvenient!), not Chica Marie (she actually liked sharing a room with her brother), not Primero, and although he has not voiced an opinion, I don’t think Love Bug likes it either. Right now he is in the pack-n-play in my room, but we’ll get to that. The family worker indicated there was something she wanted to say to me away from the little and not so little ears in the house. So, I “walked” her to her car. Really we just talked on the front porch. She said that no matter what I decided regarding Chica Marie, CHOR would support my decision. If I decided I could not adopt her because her behaviors were too overwhelming for me, they would understand and I shouldn’t think I would never get another foster-to-adopt placement because I would. Giving how negative I was in discussing her and her behaviors it shouldn’t have surprised me, but I was totally floored by this declaration of support for my decision. What decision? Didn’t I already decide? I’m lost! I stuttered something about her and Love Bug and that’s when the family worker said what I’ve suspected all along – Love Bug and Chica Marie are a package deal. I almost stopped breathing. Do I love Chica Marie? Yes, I do. Would I be heartbroken if she left? Yes, I would. But, the mere thought of Love Bug not being mine makes my stomach clench into knots and my heart stop beating. He’s my baby. They would have to pry him from my cold dead hands, there’s no way I would willingly give him up (unless, of course his mother was getting him back, and then I would probably die from grief). Up until my family worker made this comment, we were just skating along and I guess I was making a decision about Chica Marie by not making a decision. And now all of a sudden, I’m staring into the abyss with an impossible choice set before me, one I fear, that has no completely happy ending. Somehow I gathered my wits enough to ask about Esperanza. She has been staying with us a lot and I didn’t want to end up getting in trouble about it, so I mentioned to my family worker how I’ve been helping her, taking her to medical appointments and letting her stay with us. The family worker said she wanted me to get clearances for the girl and she then said she would feel better if Love Bug didn’t sleep in the same room as her and suggested I move him to my room for the time being. Thus, the pack-n-play in my room and the crib downstairs. Love Bug has not been sleeping well in the pack-n-play but I don’t want to move the crib until the family worker lets me know if he can be in my room on a more permanent basis (just what I want – the baby back in my room!).  In the meantime, I have some serious heart-checking to do about this whole adoption thing and I’m sure I’ll be writing about it again!

Baby Fever

I have a confession. I don’t know how or why it has happened, but I have some serious baby fever. I think it all started a few weeks ago when Esperanza and I were rearranging and purging some of the baby clothes I’ve collected since becoming a foster parent. Among the 4T and 5T items I was searching for to clothe Chica Marie, I found Love Bug’s baby clothes and some baby girl items that were gifted to me before I knew about Love Bug. I was oohing and ahh-ing over the baby girl clothes, exclaiming how cute they were and refusing to give them up for donation. Esperanza, in exasperation at my hoarding tendencies (but, in my defense, almost all of my foster kids came with NO clothes and so having these items helped me out in a pinch!), said, “You need a baby girl!” A few weeks after that we were shopping for clothing for Primero’s girlfriend’s baby for Christmas. I found a darling outfit and offered it as a suggestion to Primero. And, then I just could not stop. Esperanza and I were like kids in a candy store gushing over outfit after adorable baby girl outfit. And the baby fever crescendoed from a small barely-lit ember to a raging inferno. It’s surely just a phase, one I’m hoping will pass soon, but for the moment I keep thinking of tiny baby Love Bug and his itty bitty fingers and toes. Then, I force myself to remember the sleepless nights, the long colicky crying spells in feeble attempts to dampen the flames. I remember talking to a friend who had baby fever when her little girl was around Love Bug’s age and so I wonder if it has something to do with your baby suddenly (well, it felt sudden to me!) morphing into a toddler that sparks the flame? I don’t know, but for the time being I enjoy squealing in delight over baby clothing and reminiscing about tiny appendages.   

Making His Own Plans

I thought we had an understanding on the visits with Hermano, but I guess I was wrong. When we dropped him off Christmas night, Primero went with him to his room to help carry his gifts inside and I spoke with the foster mom in her kitchen. She mentioned Hermano would be in respite from Sunday until probably Wednesday because her husband was having surgery and they had to travel a distance to get there and would be staying over at least one night. When I mentioned New Year’s eve she cut me off and said they didn’t want Hermano making his own plans because they might have plans and so they would talk about it and get back to me. She also said she didn’t know anything about him visiting with his mom on Thursday and we didn’t speak about it any further. I asked her to let me know what they decide, so I know what I’m doing, but I was rather irritated at the exchange. Hermano had been trying to arrange it so that the agency that drives him to and from his visit with his mom could drop him off at my place, instead of his foster home. But, who knows what will happen now. I understand the need to concentrate on the foster father’s surgery, but wouldn’t it make it easier for them to have Hermano spend time away, since he’s going to respite anyway? Thus far, I haven’t hear anything about Hermano coming over and I don’t want to pester the case workers since they felt so confident we could work out these visits, but I’m afraid if I do nothing, then nothing will be done. I must try to remain patient!

A Merry Little Christmas

Life has been eventful lately. Last week I had scheduled to take off the day before Christmas Eve and Christmas Eve because the daycare was closed. Usually, the governor lets all non-essential state workers leave work a little early on Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve, you know, since we don’t get any Christmas bonus or anything like that. Since we have a new governor we were all in doubt over whether or not we would get the privilege extended this year. Especially since the budget was not settled. I was at the dentist when I got a text from my friend at work stating we were being left out at noon and our site administrator was willing to allow me to bring the kids to work, if I wanted to save a vacation day and come in for a few hours. This sounded like a pretty good idea, since my vacation days are generally gobbled up by things like IEP meetings, court sessions, and other kid-related meetings/issues. So, Christmas Eve morning I struggled to get the little ones and myself fed and dressed and out the door, without the assistance of Primero because God forbid he get out of bed to help on his first day of vacation. Don’t get me started. We made it to work on time and I brought along things like snacks, sippy cups full of beverages, color books, small toys, and whatnot. There were only a few people working that day and most of them were cool, if not excited, about having the kids there that morning. Chica Marie spent a lot of time running between my friend’s cubicle and my co-worker who was retiring that same day. She liked the attention and the candy, but she got bored and started acting up. Love Bug mostly just wanted to run around and explore. I managed to get some work done when he sat and ate a few pretzels, but mostly I spent my morning running around after him. It was the longest half day of work EVER!

 

After work on Christmas Eve, I went to pick up Hermano and drive home. We went grocery shopping very quickly and had the little ones take brief naps before heading up to the farm for Christmas Eve dinner. It was nice and everyone was on their best behavior. After my sister and her fiancé arrived, we had desert and not long after that we went home. Chica Marie needed a bath but Love Bug fell asleep, so he got one the next morning. I read the Christmas Story to Chica Marie and we put out a plate of cookies with some milk and she went to bed. The boys moved the presents under the tree while Esperanza ate the milk and cookies, leaving a portion of a cookie and some milk behind.

 

Christmas morning we opened our presents in our pajamas and then quickly dressed to get to the farm by 10 for brunch. We were late, of course. We always are! But, we still had a nice brunch and then opened presents together with my parents and sister and her fiancé. We stayed at the farm until around 2, then visited with my grandparents as we were leaving. According to my father, my grandfather had a stroke sometime before Christmas, but he refused to go to the hospital, so he was weak and trying to get his strength back. My grandparents will be leaving this week to ride to Florida with my aunt and uncle to visit my cousin. I don’t think this is a great idea for right now, but my opinion on the matter does not count. Sadly, when I told my grandfather that Primero was officially adopted his response was, “Why would you do that? Now all his problems are your problems, you know that?” Sigh. After leaving the farm we drove to Primero’s girlfriend’s house to give her and her daughter their Christmas gifts. I stayed in the car with Hermano, Esperanza, and the little ones while Primero visited with his girlfriend and her family. During our wait, Hermano took a call from his mother. Quick side note here, the day before Christmas Eve Esperanza told me her aunt asked if I would mind if their mom attended the Christmas celebration at their uncle’s house. I said it wasn’t my house and not my place to say, but as long as Esperanza was ok with it, I was fine. I asked Primero how I could act differently so I wouldn’t be thought of as stand-offish and his response was, “I don’t know, she’s being different, so just be you.” Not helpful. We found out Christmas morning that she would not be attending because she couldn’t get a ride into town from where she was. She posted on Facebook how upset she was about not being able to spend a few hours with her family. So, back to the phone call to Hermano. She asked him what he was doing and he mentioned he was with Esperanza, Primero and me and his mom got upset and they got into a fight. There was a lot of back and forth, things put on Facebook and even involving Hermano’s girlfriend by texting her. I think in the end, he worked it out with his mom, but at one point she threatened to cancel visits with Hermano and Esperanza declared “this” is why she won’t talk to her mom. Over the weekend her mom sent her a friend request on Facebook, but she ignored it. Their older brother’s girlfriend did tag their mom in a post of a picture of all of them and their mom thanked her for that, but to my knowledge, Esperanza and Primero never spoke to her on Christmas. I feel sad for her, I’m sure she did really want to be with her family on Christmas, I mean, who doesn’t? But, her not being there is directly related to some poor decisions she made for her life, so it is a misery of her making. What surprised me the most was the cavalier and rather flippant responses I was getting from Primero, since he has always been her stalwart and most loyal defender. When I asked him what he meant about her being different he shrugged and said he didn’t know, but I sensed that perhaps something more happened. But, we were enjoying our day and I didn’t want to put any more of a damper on our time than had already happened.

We stayed at Primero’s uncles house until it was time to take Hermano home. His girlfriend ended up showing up at his aunt and uncle’s place but it ended up being a good thing. She’s a nice girl and I think she is trying to do the right thing, but she does let herself be manipulated by Hermano quite a bit. Her plan is to move south to North Carolina in May and she hopes to have Hermano move with her once he turns 18 and has his high school diploma. Personally, I think Hermano has a lot more growing up to do before he moves so far away from his family, but I kept my thoughts to myself. The girlfriend is living on her and she seems to be doing well for herself, but she can’t support Hermano and herself while going to school in a totally new state. She did say she told Hermano he can’t move in with her unless he can prove to her he can hold down a job. Hermano did have an interview at McDonald’s but we’ll see if he can keep the job or if he gets fired when he decides not to show up for one of a thousand lame reasons I can hear him mention. I sound like I’m trying to put Hermano down, but I’m not, I’m just realistic in what he is capable of right now. He needs more stability and more time in one place before he goes running off on his own without the safety net of his family to support him. Hermano is a charmer and in that respect he can get himself both into and out of trouble, but that will only go so far in the adult world. He needs more life skills under the watchful eye of a parent or guardian before he leaves the nest. Twice, recently, Hermano asked me to adopt him once he turns 18. I told him adoption wasn’t a joke, but it was a very serious matter. He got mad at me when I told him I thought he was joking. I’m not really sure what to make of it, but my sincere hope is that he will stay with his foster family for a little while longer before signing himself out of foster care. And I hope he will use that time to truly contemplate his future and where he would like to see himself. I suppose only time will tell if Hermano will begin making better choices for his life or continue down a path of self-destruction like his mother.   

Cupcake Fiasco

After the visits with Hermano this past weekend, I wanted to be sure I understood where things stand for him in regards to spending time with us. It seems like he is allowed to visit as often as he likes and over-nights were approved for Christmas and New Year’s. It’s a little odd feeling to be working around this without CHOR, simply because I’ve never done that before. But, I felt like the baton was passed from our county case worker (who is still our case worker for the little ones) for me to interact solely with Hermano’s case worker and foster family with no intermediaries policing our side of things. It’s good to have everyone on the same page, especially regarding his girlfriend, because sometimes Hermano tries to get away with things he knows are not permitted. Like last year’s Christmas fiasco (here). Esperanza shared a rumor with me regarding Hermano’s girlfriend but swore me to secrecy. I hope it’s inaccurate information, but wouldn’t be surprised if it’s true. The county blames the girlfriend for Hermano running away over the summer, but I don’t think she’s to blame. I think it was more his mom than anything else. The girlfriend did make being on the run easier, since she has a car and would take him places, but I don’t think he ran for her. Hermano is a ladies man, but, just like a little butterfly flitting from flower to flower, he doesn’t take any relationship seriously. It’s sad, really. I was actually thinking this girlfriend was better than previous girls, but it seems like she’s cut from the same cloth, only she’s better at hiding her crazy.

 

Today is Chica Marie’s birthday. In my traditional over-extending myself fashion, I promised to make cupcakes for her to take to daycare. And of course, they had to be Frozen-themed cupcakes. I wanted to make chocolate and vanilla with fluffy blue cream cheese icing. But, we had a busy weekend and so things, like the dishes (a LOT of dishes) didn’t get cleaned up and so before I could make the kids dinner, I had to find the kitchen table and wash the dishes. Love Bug was in a particularly needy mood and spent the entire night whining, crying and clinging to my leg before he passed out on my bedroom floor around 7:30. Since I wasn’t busy enough, I decided to do laundry in addition to making dinner, washing dishes, cleaning up the weekend mess and preparing dinner for tonight. And, wasn’t I making cupcakes for some reason? Just as dinner is simmering and some dishes are drying, there was a knock at the front door that sent the dogs into a tizzy, which of course made Love Bug cry and Chica Marie dash around the house for inexplicable reasons. Oh good, the last minute Christmas gifts I ordered online arrived. We ate dinner and I washed some more dishes and put fabric softener in the second load of laundry, after putting away a basket of folded clothes and hiding the tantalizing boxes from Chica Marie. After Love Bug fell asleep I text Primero and asked if his friend could bring him home while I gave Chica Marie a bath and made sure the vanilla cupcakes didn’t burn to a crisp, while mixing the chocolate batter. Primero arrived home as I was getting Chica Marie out of the tub and putting the first chocolate cupcakes into the oven to bake. It was only after I took them out of the oven that I realized I forgot to add baking soda and so the chocolate cupcakes were more like fluffy fudge than anything resembling a cake. I tucked Chica Marie into bed, washed more dishes and began mixing the frosting, enlisting Primero as the mixer operator. I added more confectioners’ sugar, hoping the icing would get thicker and beat it some more until I added all the confectioners’ sugar I owned and still the icing was runny. I dumped it into a freezer bag and hoped it would thicken when chilled. No such luck. As Primero described it, it looked like Elsa “let it go” all over the cupcakes. The icing was blue, but it was not fluffy. Sigh. At least the cupcakes were tasty!   

Elsa Skating Party

Whew! I need a weekend to recuperate from my weekend! We were super-busy both Saturday and Sunday but it was really a good weekend. Saturday we had plans to run errands and finish Christmas shopping until Hermano contacted us about visiting. So, we included picking him up in the mix and had a great time bouncing around from store to store getting what we needed. We got home later in the day after dropping Esperanza off at her niece’s second birthday party and Hermano helped me make the burlap wreathes for some of my family members and his aunt. Hermano wanted to spend the night but his foster family wasn’t comfortable giving permission without first speaking to their agency and getting it cleared by them. So, we took him home that evening around 9 with plans to pick him up again on Sunday for Chica Marie’s birthday party. The Elsa skating party was to commence at 2 pm and we needed to pick up Mini Momma and the birthday cake before getting Hermano. We managed to gather everyone, grab some Frozen inspired balloons and get to the roller-skating rink just a few minutes after 2.

 

There were some minor bumps to the party, like Chica Marie initially refusing to skate and Hermano getting angry that the skates he had didn’t fit (and he tried several pairs), but all-in-all it was a success. I was very disappointed that none of Chica Marie’s friends from daycare showed up (and I was surprised her grandmother didn’t come – I thought for sure she would be there. I had a Christmas card and one for the pictures with them and Santa for her – I guess I’ll have to mail that now) and other than the 7 of us, only my two friends from work came with their daughters. Still, all who were there had fun and the 4 little girls learned to skate in one afternoon. The teenagers had a nice time skating together and taking selfies (yes, while skating). I managed to strap on a pair of skates and not kill myself – Hallelujah! The cake was good, the Elsa crowns and wands were a big hit, and Chica Marie received some lovely gifts. So, it was great in my book! I was exhausted by the time we were being ushered out the door so hockey practice could start, but I felt content knowing that Chica Marie had a memorable and happy birthday party.

 

We drove home after the party and I kept Mini Momma with us for a little longer than I told her foster mom. Her foster mom was frustrated with her because she went to church that morning and hadn’t come back home early enough to get ready, so the foster mom had to go fetch her (the church was just across the street from their house). Mini Momma said she was anxious to move out because her foster mom gets mad at her for no reason. I did my best to diffuse the situation and hope that Mini Momma had forgotten her anger by the time she went home. I was happy with how well she behaved during the party and after with her sister at home. It makes it easier for me to keep having her over for visits because they aren’t as stressful as they once were. Yay for progress!

 

We took Hermano home around 9 again last night with hopes he would be back for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I decided, since our county case worker gave me the email for Hermano’s case worker, I would email her regarding visits in general and Christmas specifically. It seems like the county is willing to give a lot more freedom to Hermano than the foster family has been willing to give. I can understand where they’re coming from – raising a teenager is HARD and raising a teenager in foster care makes it all the more challenging. Still, I’m glad it sounds like visits with us have been green-lighted and there shouldn’t be any issues. Hermano had asked about seeing his girlfriend for Christmas, so I asked about that too and it was nixed. Despite what Hermano relayed to us about visiting with his girlfriend, it seems like the county is opposed to him seeing her at this time due to her being one of the reasons he ran away from his previous foster home over the summer. I don’t know that she was the reason, but she certainly facilitated the running by taking him with her to a different town in a different county. There was also some rift/trust issue with Hermano seeing the girlfriend when he wasn’t supposed to and not telling his foster family. Regardless, I gullibly believed Hermano and agreed for him to see his girlfriend at some point during Christmas and now I have to undo that because Hermano mislead me and I believed him without first checking with the powers that be. Sigh. I love this kid but sometimes his antics give me a run for the money!

 

Sunday night, after the party, my house was full to the brim with kids and noise and clutter. The baby had a massive blow-out poopy mess which required an immediate bath, which Esperanza helped me with; Mini Momma was playing with Chica Marie and undid her new Elsa dolls hair resulting in Primero taking the doll away from them. Hermano was watching football and yelling at the oblivious players and scaring the dogs who yipped in protest. The girls pulled the toy bins apart and swapped baby dolls, as they’re prone to do, and Love Bug learned to climb onto the chair and then the kitchen table. When Esperanza found him and asked him what he was doing he said, “All done!” and clapped for himself and his latest achievement. Primero played loud music on his Bluetooth speaker and sang along just as loudly, while Esperanza and Hermano decided to give the cats catnip. After we took Mini Momma home, Primero and Esperanza decided to wrap Christmas gifts, which of course Chica Marie couldn’t see, so they sequestered themselves in my bedroom leaving me and Hermano in the living room with the little ones. I decided to make the last burlap wreath with the help of Hermano and Love Bug snuggling on my knee. At some points I found the chaos a little overwhelming but when I realized that the noise was happy noise and the mess was a joyful mess and that the kids were getting to spend time with their siblings, I embraced the pandemonium and, in the words of Timon and Pumbaa, said “Hakuna matata!” No worries!

What Would Happen to Us?

A few weeks ago, probably not long after we had received the date for finalization, I dreamt I was pregnant for three nights in a row. I’ve had pregnancy dreams before with varying outcomes, so that isn’t so unusual. It just so happened that, as we were running errands, Primero and I were talking about the meaning of dreams and I used my recent rash of pregnancy dreams probably being connected to his finalization as an example. After a brief lull in our conversation Primero said, “So, like what would happen, like say if you ever got pregnant? Like, what would happen to us?” I responded, “What would happen to you? Well, I guess you guys would have to baby-sit.” I immediately regretted being so flippant and so I continued, “You aren’t going anywhere. If by some miracle I find someone and end up pregnant (haha!) that wouldn’t make you or the others any less my kids.” And then Chica Marie interrupted any further discussion by announcing she needed to poop and so we hurried home and spoke of it no more. But, it hurt my heart to think that Primero believed, even if it was just a brief moment of doubt, that I would abandon him for a (theoretical) biological child. Will he ever feel secure and know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he is my child not my adopted child but just simply my son? Maybe I don’t tell him enough. I should work on that.

 

But, there is a glimmer of hope in all of this! Last night Esperanza and I were sitting on the couch after dinner and she was lounging with her legs on my lap. Chica Marie told her, “get your legs off my mommy” because she wanted to sit on my lap. This lead Esperanza to declare, “She’s not your mommy, she’s my mommy” and an all-out war ensued. After Chica Marie started to cry and Love Bug decided he too wanted to sit on my already full lap, Primero stated, “Well, you can’t say she’s not my mommy, now can you?” Smiling I replied, “That’s right!” and cuddled with the two little ones and Esperanza’s feet all on my lap. Maybe it is beginning to sink in…..

The Last Christmas Party

The other morning as I was in the bathroom doing Chica Marie’s hair, Primero mentioned his mom didn’t like that we went to his uncles for the holidays. When we went to see Santa at the mall on Saturday Primero and Esperanza went off on their own while I waited in line with the little ones. I text them that we were next and when they finally came back they had their aunt and uncle in tow. Apparently, they had bumped into one another and spent some time hanging out until I called the two big kids back to watch the photo session. Love Bug did surprisingly well with Santa, Chica Marie told Santa she wanted a rainbow for Christmas, and we have a truly beautiful picture of them with great big smiles on their faces. Plus, they waited so patiently in line! Score! Anyway, the conversation was a result of something Primero’s uncle told him. I guess his mother told her brother she doesn’t like that we all go to family functions at his place. The uncle was sure to point out that she is always invited, but he isn’t going to kiss her rear to come. And, to be completely honest, there have been a few occasions where the penal system has kept her away. I asked Primero why he thought his mother was upset by this and he said he didn’t know. I didn’t ask, but thought about it later, if she was more upset that he was there or that we were all there as a family? I guess it doesn’t really matter. What Primero said next shocked me. He said he was growing weary of trying to continue chasing his mother for a relationship (I’m paraphrasing what he said but hopefully getting to the gist of his meaning). He said, “The phone works both ways, you know.” I told him I would always encourage him to have a relationship with his mother but I totally understood where he was coming from and maybe he needed to let things settle for a little while, given the latest news. He didn’t think his mother knew he was officially adopted. “Um, it was a huge post on Facebook, how could she not know?” He agreed that this might be causing her to pull away at the moment and we continued our rushed preparation to leave for school and court. But WOW! Never has Primero ever considered taking a step back from his mom and letting her come to him to keep their relationship going. He’s always been the one pursuing his mother, the one insisting on being there for her in a way a teenage child doesn’t need to be there for their parent. It felt like he was finally getting it and not necessarily in a bad way but in a healthy way. He is maturing and beginning to realize he needs to keep himself emotionally safe and not be her emotional doormat. Maybe I’m reading too much into the simple conversation, but I don’t think I am. I think I’m right about it and I’m glad.

 

Tuesday night was the CHOR Christmas party. For weeks Primero has been concerned about getting a Christmas present at the party because he would be adopted and no longer a foster child with CHOR. This would be his last CHOR Christmas party. I assured him he would definitely get a present and when it came time to RSVP I told them the four of us would be coming. All of a sudden, when I was picking him up to take him to the party, he didn’t want to go. He wanted to go to the CFA instead. Esperanza was going to the CFA without him and I suspected this was partially the problem but I told him I had RSVP’ed for all of us and felt it was only right for all of us to show up. He was not pleased and showed his displeasure by refusing to sit with me and the little ones and basically just shunning me. Teenagers are fun! I found out, as the night wore on, why he was so worked up about being at the CFA with his sister and not the holiday party. He had mentioned the night before how some boys at the CFA were interested in Esperanza, but given what I know about that crowd of kids, I didn’t think anything of it. I mean, these kids are hopped up on some serious sex hormones because they will all basically do anything with anyone anytime and anywhere. But, I digress. Anyway, Primero let it slip that when his sister first started going to the CFA over the summer and spent a long time away at “lunch” she was in fact having sex with one boy who is a notorious playboy (and certainly fits the description above). Hmmm….. No wonder we were in to see the gyno not long after that episode…… So, Primero was worried about her being there alone because he didn’t want her to get the reputation of a slut. He wanted me to banish her from the CFA and I declined, stating if I was going to do that I would have done it to him to get him away from his girlfriend because I didn’t like her. I told him there was no way he could stop his sister if she truly wanted to be with someone and that it would probably only ruin their relationship if he tried. I said he should talk to her about his worries and express to her that she doesn’t need to be with one of the those horny boys just to find some self-worth. I promised to not reveal I knew the secret of her having sex with this boy and mentally vowed to really, really encourage her to get on birth control. It struck me, as the truth behind his sudden shunning of the Christmas party slowly leaked out, that Primero is as hyper-vigilant about his sister as he used to be about himself. In the beginning Primero would not let me parent him, he would try to do everything himself because that’s how it had always been. As he learned to trust me he’s let his guard down and allowed me to take over the role of parent and he the child. But, he’s resumed his parental role with his sister, even though she’s a few years older than him. I guess her tenuous situation makes him feel like he has to take on that role again, but I can tell it chafes his sister when he does it. Yes, she is emotionally behind when it comes to being adult enough to take care of herself, but that doesn’t mean it’s his job to take care of her. I feel like this is a conversation we will continue to have, at least until Primero feels like Esperanza is more stable and she grows more independent.

At the Christmas party, I spent most of the time chasing Love Bug around as he constantly made a mad dash for the exit. Primero passed the time sitting in the bleachers with one of his friends. They tried to sit outside the gym in the vestibule but his friend’s foster mother did not trust them being out of sight and made them come back inside. So, they made the bleachers the hang out place and few other teenagers joined them. Chica Marie flitted about from one “big” kid to the next, finding anyone who would pick her up and treat her like a baby. Sigh. This was something that bugged me but I don’t know if it should. Is it healthy to let Chica Marie cling to the older kids the way she does? She spent a large chunk of time sitting on a teenage boys lap letting him treat her like a little baby doll, rather than playing with the entertainer and other kids her age (they have a man come and sing and dance with the kids to get them excited for Santa to visit. They parade around the gym, dance the Macarena, sing Christmas carols, and throw “snowballs”). When I tried to encourage Chica Marie to play with the other kids she told me she was too tired. She would rather cling to a boy than play. Now, this teenage boy is not a stranger to her, she spent a few weekends with his family when she was in respite. But, shouldn’t she be playing with the other kids her age rather than being so desperate for attention from anyone, but specifically a male? Whenever she begins her new therapy (ugh! The court order has been signed so now it’s just a matter of the insurance approving it and the new therapist coming out to start the services), I will need to discuss this with the professional and see what she (he – we’ve never had a male therapist, but hey, it could happen!) says about it. Does she need more time from me? She’s been the middle kid for over a year now but maybe that’s not something that a kid gets over that quickly? She was the baby for three years before her brother came along, so perhaps she feels the need to revert back to being a baby to make up for the time she lost? I don’t know. I do know I struggle with this kid the most. I know that I need to be more patient with her and find ways to relate to her better. I feel like most of the time I’m just a rule enforcer for her. I feel the most disconnected from Chica Marie and I need to find a way to not be like that. Maybe we need another girls day together so she can have all my attention. Maybe we’ll do something that requires us actually interacting instead of her going off to play and me making sure she is playing appropriately. I don’t know. I need to try harder with her.

Elevator Rides and Court

Court is exhausting! Parking in the garage, lugging two kids out of the car, strapping the baby in the stroller, riding down the elevator, crossing the street, going through the metal detector, riding the elevator up to CYS and then waiting to be summoned to the court room. Then there’s the waiting. The incessant waiting while trying to keep small fussy children calm and not messy or running wild. Babies and children don’t wait patiently and they don’t care who’s in charge or that you’re supposed to be quiet in court rooms.

 

Love Bug was especially grumpy yesterday morning. He woke up around 5 am and just would not settle back to sleep. I had him in bed with me, laying on top of me and that didn’t pacify him. I tried to give him his sippy cup of milk but he tossed it after only a few gulps. For an hour we tossed and turned. My alarm went off and he continued to grex and only settled about 5 minutes before my last snooze button. So, I started off the day tired. Love Bug slept in my bed until I woke him up around 7:30. He sat with Primero for a few minutes so I could finish Chica Marie’s hair and then change him. He cried in protest and didn’t settle until we were driving in the car. I have my grandparents car at the moment because my van won’t start. I don’t even want to talk about it. We dropped Primero off at school and went right to court. Getting into the building wasn’t a problem, but getting an elevator was. Now, I have two small children and a stroller, do you think people would let me get onto an elevator without trying to trample us? No, no they did not. I had to fight my way onto the elevator grumbling that clearly there was no way I could use the stairs. Luckily, the waiting room for CYS was not too busy. Mini Momma was there with her foster mom. Not long after we arrived another CHOR family came in and we waited together. Love Bug needed his diaper changed and when I came back out of the bathroom with him we were ushered back into the play room by the county worker. I was told I wouldn’t be able to stay in the room after the other CHOR children were brought back, but I ended up staying until we were called down to the court room.

 

As a side note, Monday night was the Christmas pageant for Primero’s after school program. It was raining and there was no parking, so I was irritated when we got there, but luckily his friends parents held seats for us and so we settled in to watch the show. Not long after we arrived Primero’s girlfriend showed up. There were no empty seats except for one next to me, so I told Chica Marie to go tell the girlfriend we had an empty seat. There were a lot of groups performing from drumming, to dancing both by little kids and big kids. There were a few short acting skits and a tap routine too. At one point, there were two seats in front of us open. A man came and sat in one of them and lo and behold it was the attorney for the little ones mom. We had seen him when we were out eating a few weeks ago and now he showed up at the CFA Christmas pageant, what a small world! He has a daughter or granddaughter probably close in age to Primero who was dancing tap and he stayed through the rest of the performance. Of course Love Bug was wiggly and not content to sit still for long, so we were up and down and he was passed back and forth between me, Esperanza and Primero’s friend. It made for a long night. I’m not sure if the attorney noticed us, as I tried to keep us under his radar. Chica Marie was in a mood, not wanting to listen to me and insisting on bothering any big kid who would give her the time of day (I’ll discuss this issue in more detail in a bit). I was glad to get home and put her to bed after a quick bath. Unfortunately, after Love Bug fell asleep and I took a shower I had left-over dishes to wash since we got home later than expected Sunday night. Sigh.

 

So, back to the story of court. We trooped down to the second waiting room, just outside the court room as the case before us was finishing up. Love Bug was perturbed at being taken away from the room with toys and interested in only trying to escape from the less-interesting waiting room. When I scooped him up to take him into the court room he howled his dismay and glared at the magistrate as Chica Marie bounced from one foot to the next to her sister, since she is never still. After identifying the children, the magistrate dismissed them back upstairs to the play room and once again Love Bug was not happy with this change as I handed him over to the staff member in charge of marching the three kids back upstairs. I took my place next to the CHOR case worker and the proceedings began. Surprisingly, the kids mom didn’t show up. This is the first time she didn’t show to court. I guess no one was surprised since she hadn’t been in contact with the county case worker and according to the case worker, she hadn’t been in touch with her own lawyer. Still, I honestly thought she would be there. She’s never missed court before, in my experience. The court session was brief. The county case worker mentioned the grandmother presenting for Mini Momma and that the grandmother has complied with all requirements, so the only thing left is a meeting for full disclosure and visits can begin to transition her. Oddly, the public defender for Chica Marie’s father was there. He had requested to be dismissed from the court proceedings altogether a few sessions ago because her father had not participated and had no desire to participate. How sad!  It was agreed that the current goal of reunification was no longer appropriate and so the secondary goal of adoption would now be pursued. Magistrates don’t have the legal authority to officially change goals, but it would go into the record that reunification would no longer be considered. The next court hearing was scheduled for May and the CHOR case worker said she was hopeful the little ones would be adopted by then. Ha! Being slightly cynical regarding adoption timelines, I flat out told her I had no hope that this would be the case. I said it would be lovely, but I truly didn’t believe it would happen. I said maybe next year this time – if we’re lucky! After that we went back upstairs to collect the kiddos and I headed off to ride the elevator with the CHOR case worker.

 

The elevator was as slow as it had been coming up earlier, but we eventually jammed into one and began the descent. Chica Marie entertained the crowd by declaring, “I’m squished and these shoes are killing me!” As we descended, the door opening at nearly every floor, most of the occupants slowly trickled out giving us some more breathing room. The CHOR case worker got off on the second floor mentioning she was going to get a dog license as we parted ways. We finally reached the first floor and it was just the three of us, two men and a woman. The woman stepped out first then one of the men and the other man held the door for me as I wiggled the stroller into position. Chica Marie darted out in front of me and all of a sudden the elevator lurched up, the doors half closed, pulling us about two feet off the floor. As the doors slammed closed I yelled to a blonde woman, “Watch her!” and was left panicking in the elevator with Love Bug and the man who held the door. He frantically pushed the first floor button as the elevator lurched up again then dropped. The doors sprung open and the security guard was there, holding them open as I dashed out to claim Chica Marie from the random stranger I entrusted to watch her. I was shaking. Not so much from the elevator as from nearly being locked away from Chica Marie and not knowing if she was safe. The kindly stranger seemed trustworthy enough, but who knows? Would that woman have stayed with my girl if I had gotten trapped in the elevator? Would the security guard remember who that child came in with and not let her walk off with some stranger? Oh the possibilities make my head spin and my stomach ache! I was so glad the episode was brief and that everything turned out ok. And I must now make sure that Chica Marie holds my hand to leave an elevator!

Get Attached

The week before last I called my dad to talk about the hurtful things my mom said over Thanksgiving. During our conversation I mentioned how I don’t think they have really grown attached to the kids I have right now and while my mom’s illness has been a major source of that, it’s also something else. My dad recalled how hurt my mom was after the baby boy she so dearly loved went home to his mother. It hurt her and so she didn’t want to get attached to any new foster kids. I get that, trust me I do! Does he not think I hurt when that baby and his sister went home? That I didn’t cry myself to sleep or sit in their room and sob? Perhaps they assume I’m callous or have thicker skin or for some unknown reason  don’t feel the same pain they feel. I don’t know, but I got the sense that somehow my mom’s pain was more grievous than my own, hers weighed more or was a deeper pain. On the hospital pain scale, she was hovering around a 10 while I sailed through at about a 3. It hurt like hell when those little ones left, just like it hurt when the previous children left. But, that’s all the more reason to celebrate Primero’s adoption! He’s staying! He’s ours now and can’t be taken away and won’t go anywhere until he moves out on his own. Get attached! Fall in love and enjoy every minute knowing he’s family, knowing he’s staying for good. I think I could understand the pain over the last children better if it was still fresh pain, but it’s been two years now. This baby is now a 4 year old  little boy. He would probably not recognize a single one of us if he saw us. He was, but Love Bug and Chica Marie and Primero ARE – they’re the present, not the past. Love Bug is nearly 18 months old (which, incidentally, is the same age of the baby my mother mourns) and he’s lived with me for all but three days of his life. How can you not get attached, not fall madly in love with this precious boy? Do I still think about the ones who left? Yes. Do I still miss them and wish to know how they were doing? Of course. Would I give anything to hug them and see them with my very own eyes? You bettcha. But, I can’t do those things in front of the current children or overlook the current children because of pain from the past. These children are here now and are no less deserving of love and affection simply because they might only be around for a short time. The fact of the matter is, Love Bug and Chica Marie are my longest foster care placement (well, technically Primero was). It’s time to move on and accept them. It’s time to get attached!

Case Worker Friends

It’s funny how, with some of the case workers, we could have been friends had we not been in this case worker/foster parent situation and with others is strictly work. Our previous CHOR case worker, who Primero was really close to, is one case worker I would consider a friend. She wanted so badly to come to his adoption but she started a new job where she’s living in Florida and while she thought she could skip the training and just take and pass the test, she found out two days before she planned on leaving that this was not the case and she physically had to be there for the training. She even bought her plane ticket! Primero was very upset, but he understood. She did say she plans on coming up right before Christmas and hopes to see us then. That’s when it struck me that we could have her over for a visit as a friend. I even suggested we grab lunch or a coffee together. I feel like I might have that same relationship with our county case worker. We chat, mostly about the kids, but she shared pictures of her kids with me and we talked about a mutual friend, so it’s sort of strange. Perhaps it’s because we are contemporaries? A lot of the CHOR foster families are couples a decade older than me or single women my mother’s age. We don’t have any young foster parents, really. Who knows, maybe the county case worker and I will become friends after the babies are adopted?

Some Answers

I had some time to talk to the county case worker as we sat outside the wrong courtroom waiting to enter (the place was a MADHOUSE yesterday and the judges were moved around and the system was down, the perfect trifecta for mass confusion – we were lucky to quickly figure out the mistake after several frantic phone calls from our CHOR case worker and a few wrong stops on different floors in the courthouse). At first we talked about the scene playing out before us, the one that could have been me in a different life. It was a young-ish couple (maybe my age, maybe a few years younger) with a tiny baby dressed in pink with a white bonnet surrounded by older people, assumed to be family. I didn’t think the baby looked warm enough and she wasn’t swaddled, but she was quiet and although I never saw her face, I assumed she was awake due to how the adults were interacting with her. At one point the adoption case worker leaned over and informed me the baby was from Arizona. What was unfolding before my very eyes is the type of scenario I only read about on adoption blogs – a private adoption being finalized. Everyone seemed deliriously happy.

This lead the case worker and I into a discussion of how I missed when Love Bug was that small but I don’t miss not sleeping through the night for over 13 months. She confessed her children slept through the night after one month and I explained what a finicky baby Love Bug has been. Even that morning he was crying because he wanted to be held and I was bending over zipping up my boots with my hair covering my face. Love Bug couldn’t stand being unable to see my face, so he pushed my hair aside and laid his chubby little hand on my cheek. “He’s such a momma’s boy,” I said then realized who I was talking to and tried to backtrack. The case worker nodded and commented on how inconsistent his mother has been. She explained to me how things had been going good for a few months after our last court hearing and then all of a sudden bio mom stopped responding and stopped coming in for her meetings with the case worker. She hasn’t been seen since the middle of September. Apparently, her lawyer has even reached out to the county case worker because she isn’t communicating with him anymore either. I confessed to having Facebook stalked her and found she had a new Facebook page. I mentioned the grandmother and the case worker said at this point she is only presenting for Mini Momma and not the little ones. The only concern is her partner’s teenage son and not because he is a problem but because of the accusations Mini Momma has made in the past – they worry if she gets mad about something she could make the same accusations against this boy. But, it seems like they will approve the grandma for Mini Momma and I’m very glad about that. I was sure to express to the case worker how changed Mini Momma was in her attitude and behaviors and the case worker credited the boundaries and structure in the foster home. The county case worker has no reason to believe things will change at court next week. That’s frustrating, but not unexpected. I find the majority of time we go to court it is nearly a useless endeavor and not much is accomplished. I know it is selfish and makes things harder for poor Chica Marie to understand, but I’m glad the grandmother didn’t present for the little ones. I know it’s awful, but I fear losing them so much after all this time…… I do have a relationship with their grandmother and I know we will keep the kids in each other’s lives, so maybe it isn’t so awful? In any event, I’ll be glad when court is over and we won’t have to go back for another 6 months.  

Adoption Day

Today was the big day. And of course we were late. Time got away from me as we were getting ready and so we had to rush to get the little ones to the daycare and then into the court house. Of course there was a loooong line to get through the metal detectors and it seemed like EVERYONE was adopting this day! We got to the CYS office late and it was a total zoo, but fortunately our county worker found us and we went to the old court house (which means riding the elevator down to the connecting bridge and then back up to the right floor). We waited outside for awhile and noticed a family there for a private adoption (not CYS related). The case worker leaned over to me and whispered, "That baby is from Arizona." She had been eavesdropping. Unfortunately, we soon discovered we were in the wrong place and our poor CHOR adoption worker had been calling me frantically trying to find out where we were. Another elevator ride and soon we were ushered inside the court room. I was quickly shoved up to the stand and sworn in. My lawyer (whom I had never met before that very minute) asked me some mundane questions, like my full name, age, address and if I intended to adopt Primero. The lawyer asked me to tell the judge why I wanted to adopt Primero. I said, "I never intended to adopt a teenager. Primero came to stay with me in respite on weekends for two months, then moved in temporarily. The hardest decision was to have him stay permanently. When I was asked to adopt him and give him a permanent home it was an easy decision (And this is where I started to cry) because he's such an amazing young man (now I'm crying so hard I can't hardly talk) and I'm so blessed to have him in my life." And then I sobbed before the lawyer thanked me and I went to my seat. Primero went to the stand next and was asked the same mundane question before the lawyer asked if he knew why he was there today. She then asked him if he wanted to be adopted by me and he said an emphatic YES! And it was all over! I'm a MOM!!!!!!!

Mini Momma

“I saw my mom the other week and she said my grandmother bought a house and is taking classes to get us all to come live with her.” This is what Chica Marie’s older sister told us on Sunday. We had her over for her birthday so she could see her younger siblings and while making lunch, this is what she told us. Chica Marie had a meltdown after I explained that I didn’t know if this was true, I had only heard their grandmother was working towards having her sister move in with her, not all of them (and I wasn’t going to say anything but Chica Marie started insisting she needed to get ready since the move was imminent). Luckily, I got her to settle down enough to continue the visit and then surprise cake and ice cream at her sister’s foster home. It was nice and I’m glad I called the foster mom to see about the sister’s birthday because she didn’t plan on doing anything until I asked about having a visit for her birthday.

I had heard before our case worker left (yes, she was only with us a short time and now we are waiting on a new hire and have the foster care supervisor for our case worker) that the therapist for the older sister mentioned she didn’t think the kinship situation was going to work out. This surprised me because I thought the only reason the grandmother didn’t get the older sister before when she presented for her (nearly a year ago now!) was because of the visits and various therapy sessions which would require a 2 hour round trip drive 4-5 days out of the week and the grandmother just couldn’t do it. Who could blame her? Now, with no visits and only one therapy session per week, the grandmother reinstated her desire to keep the older girl and I thought it would be a done deal, since this is how it has gone in previous foster care cases I’ve been involved in. I was saddened to hear it might not work out because I felt like the grandmother would be more invested in getting the kids together for visits and keeping them in touch. Our new case worker had not heard this same rumor. She emailed the county case worker and tried to slide that information in but the CYS case worker didn’t respond, at least not to reply all. I reported the above information to both case workers regarding the persistent rumor of grandma taking one or all of the kids. The county case worker asked to see me yesterday but I had left the office to take Primero to the orthodontist and didn’t see her response until too late in the afternoon. I know she needs the paperwork I signed eons ago for Primero’s adoption but it seems like she might want to discuss more with me regarding the little one’s case. I’m nervous about seeing her now because I really don’t want to hear that the grandmother has changed her mind and wants to take all three kids. But, I would rather know now than find out in court next week, so I can prepare myself (ha!) for the emotional fall-out. I can’t even. I can’t think about it or I will lose my mind!

On a more positive note, there was a noted change in the older sister’s attitude (she needs a name here, so I think I will call her Mini Momma because she often acts like Chica Marie’s mommy, not her big sister) this visit. I don’t know if it was maturity or if she was just content but I was pleasantly surprised in her demeanor and how improved her behavior was, even around her sister (who was acting up big time). I don’t know if it stems from not siphoning the drama from her mom or if it is the foster home she is in now, but she is a different girl now than she was even a few months ago when she came for a visit. I hope this change lasts!

In other totally random news, last night I spent a few minutes comforting/talking to Primero’s girlfriend. Yes, the one I don’t like. Esperanza had been talking to her and didn’t know what else to do to help her so she asked if the girlfriend would like to talk to me. The girlfriend was nervous, stating she didn’t want me to call CYS, but she did agree to talk. And by talk, I mean text. If you had a teenager, you would know they don’t actually “talk.” Anyway, it was a brief exchange trying to help her deal with difficulties with her parents. They were fighting and she felt like it was her fault. I don’t think I really offered much sage advice and we didn’t talk for long, but hopefully it helped just to know there was an adult willing to listen to how she was feeling. I let Primero read the exchange lest it be said I said or did something I didn’t say or do. My take away from it was that it felt good that Esperanza trusted me enough to suggest the girlfriend talk to me, that she felt confident in the fact that I would talk to the girl and try to do what I could to help her. That’s trust right there! And it’s been a hard won trust, so I will take it with gusto! I do feel bad for the girl because I lived through a similar experience with my parents fighting about how to handle situations with my brother. I tried to convey to her that she wasn’t the “problem” but it was her parents being unable to communicate and agree that was the problem. She was very hurt by some things her mom said about her and her brother (which Esperanza relayed to me the specifics) and I told her to let her parents know how hurt she was once they calmed down. And, because Esperanza mentioned she brought up hurting herself, I cautioned her to take care of herself so she could care for her baby. It was weird, to be talking to the girlfriend this way, but I’ve never turned my back on a kid in need and don’t plan to, so regardless of how much I wish she weren’t dating my son, I would go out of my way to help her if she were in a crisis. Taking time to talk to her wasn’t a big deal to me, but hopefully it meant giving her validation for her hurt feelings and not letting her situation overwhelm her to the point of desperation. It’s strange how life goes sometimes…….

No Fanfare

I wonder if holiday’s will always be hard for us, or if we’ll ever be able to pass the time in peace? I thought things were going to go so well this year. We went to his uncle’s early in the day and then went to my uncle’s but still it wasn’t enough. We had planned to go to his uncle’s place earlier but the baby wouldn’t nap and then when he did fall asleep he took a longer nap than expected. I actually woke him up so we could leave. This resulted in us spending less time at Primero’s uncles than we expected. But, I thought it went well. Without the big crowd we were able to better interact and talk to one another. As we were leaving, Primero’s oldest brother was running home to get one of his video games and his uncle and cousin had plans to play all together. Primero asked me if he could come back later, if his uncle could pick him up at my uncle’s place. We had Hermano with us, having picked him up earlier that morning, and I had promised his case worker that he would be with me the entire time. So, Primero was willing to leave his brother, who came to spend time with him and his sister, so they could go back to their uncle’s and play video games. I found it infuriating. We spent time at my uncle’s and they were bored. Nothing but their phones to entertain them, since they didn’t sit with me or eat or do anything else. I had hoped to stay at my uncle’s until we could take Hermano home at 9, but right around 7:30 everyone left and I felt like my aunt and uncle really just wanted their house to themselves again. So, we drove home, planning to get Primero’s DS and then head back to his uncles for a hot minute before I left with Hermano and the little ones to take Hermano home. Primero and I quarreled the entire ride home and when we pulled in front of the house I asked Esperanza to grab pajamas for the baby and Primero announced his uncle wasn’t home, he went to his friend’s house. We were home for less than 30 minutes before we had to leave to take Hermano back to his foster home. Here’s hoping there won’t be a repeat performance for Christmas….

As if the fight with Primero wasn’t enough, my mom said something that still has my eyes stinging with tears. She had been talking my aunt about their parents (my mom’s dad married her best friends mom after my grandmother died) and my mom made some comment about not knowing what would happen to her when she was too old to take care of herself or live alone. Joking, I said, “Well, my basement bedroom should be available by then, you can move right in!” She snipped back that she wouldn’t leave her home. Still joking, I said, “Ok great! Then I can come move in with you!” To which she scoffed, “Psh, you but not all those kids!” Not. All. Those. Kids. THOSE. KIDS. Did she mean the children with me that day because I had Hermano and Esperanza with us or did she mean all the children that I’m fostering and hoping to adopt? Did she really just say these kids were not welcome in her home? Taken aback I responded, “Well, these kids are going to be your grandkids and probably the only ones you’ll get so…” “Not all of them,” was her response before the subject was changed and I tried to collect myself emotionally. Wow! Just wow. I don’t know, maybe she feels it’s ok not to be supportive because I wasn’t there for her how she had hoped during her many rounds of chemo and frequent illness. Maybe it’s her way of getting back at me with or without realizing that’s what she’s doing. I don’t know. I tried to talk to my dad about it but he wasn’t there for the conversation and he mostly just defended my mom, regardless of how hurtful her statement was to me. I need to talk to my mom before Christmas because if the kids aren’t welcome at her house then I won’t be there either. I don’t know if we will have Hermano with us or not but we will have Esperanza so that’s one of “those kids” who doesn’t need to be made to feel unwelcome.

Added to the emotional barb from Thanksgiving is the knowledge that my parents won’t be present during Primero’s finalization and I felt like I had to twist my mom’s arm to get her to baby-sit the kids tonight while I’m at my bible study. I (stupidly) thought she would be excited to baby-sit since she was so upset when I told her the foster care rules back in the beginning. I had to call her twice to ask if she would do it and she hemmed and hawed the whole time, thinking of about 1,001 reasons why it wasn’t going to work. You’d think she didn’t raise three kids of her own the way she was talking. My dad said it was just because she worried that their house wasn’t baby proof enough, but she never even mentioned that. I don’t know if I will ask her again, to be honest. I don’t need to be stressing out about how things are going with the kids when I’m supposed to be getting a break and having some me time. I’ll have to ask a friend to watch the children the next time I have something come up. I’m crushed and that feeling of weightlessness I felt after finding out the new foster care rules has evaporated. Now, I feel like it’s ten times worse because I’m loathe to ask for respite, after making such a big deal about using my own support network and the person I thought would be my go-to seems wholly uninterested. I really didn’t see this coming. I honestly didn’t see it. I thought my parents and family supported Primero’s adoption. I had no idea I would feel so totally alone when this day finally arrived. No one is coming to the adoption. No one congratulated me or Primero. There’s no fanfare, no excitement, no jubilation, no anticipation. No one cares. Even my dad said, “adoption isn’t like having a baby.” I guess that means no one needs to get excited about it.    

Thankful but....

Last Friday I anxiously announced on Facebook that on 12/9/15 I would officially and legally become a mother. I foolishly thought this announcement would make things feel more real and get me more excited. I mean, I am excited and happy but there is also something missing. My announcement was met with cheers and congratulations, but to me it seemed lackluster. Certainly, it wasn’t the big reveal announcement I had dreamed of when I began my journey into motherhood. This is something I thought I had grieved before, but it’s come back and while I’m not gut-wrenchingly devastated, I am a little down. Maybe the let-down is that my parents seem ho-hum about it. Maybe because my sister didn’t even congratulate me at all, not on Facebook or in private, nada. I suppose my expectations were too high – I mean how excited can you get about court? Primero seemed a little miffed that I posted on Facebook and I don’t know why (I didn’t tag him or mention his name at all). I asked him if he wanted me to take it down and he said no, it didn’t bother him. Maybe he wanted to make the announcement? Maybe he didn’t want any fanfare at all? Maybe I’m a big fat idiot and I will always get it wrong? I don’t know. I am grateful, I want to be grateful for finally becoming a mother but…… But, there’s a but. Full-fledged happiness cannot be. Primero, at best, is equally happy as he is sad which is understandable. So I can’t be over-the-moon elated because he isn’t so I temper my joy with the reality of the situation. But, I think it’s more than that. I love Primero with all my heart and I am so blessed to become his mother and I wish I could stop there add the period and not finish the thought that goes BUT, I don’t feel like his mom, he doesn’t refer to me as his mom and so it’s…… It’s….. What is it? Less fulfilling? Awkward? Hard. It’s hard. Hard doesn’t mean it shouldn’t happen, but it recognizes that real life isn’t all glitter and rainbows either. To be honest, I wish I felt more enthusiastic and maybe I will as that day approaches. But I am no less happy to be Primero’s parent.

Weekend of Firsts

I was really hoping to have my parents attend the adoption ceremony for Primero. He is joining their family as their first grandchild and I was so hoping they could be there to embrace him and their role as grandparents. When I called my parents Friday to share the good news that the date for the adoption finalization has been set, my dad told me he thought my mom had a colonoscopy scheduled for that same day. I spoke with her the next day and she confirmed that she did indeed have the procedure schedule for the day of the finalization and couldn’t reschedule it because if she did it in the new year she would have to pay for it (she’s paid out her deductible due to all the chemo and other cancer related medical expenses). I get it, I do. But, that doesn’t make it suck any less. My mom said if the procedure is scheduled for later in the day she might be able to come, but she won’t know until the Monday before and I sort of doubt it will work out. Technically my dad could still come, so long as he doesn’t need to be there to take her home at the same time as the court hearing. I asked my friend, who Primero loves, but she’s working and unable to come at that time. I’m hoping to find someone in my family to attend, perhaps my aunt that I’m close to or maybe a cousin? I think Esperanza will come but I don’t know about his other family members. It’s kind of a tough thing and I wouldn’t pressure them into coming, even if they are in favor of the adoption. Not that I wouldn’t welcome having them there, if they do decide to come. I just recognize it might be awkward for them. I have also decided to not have the babies there because I don’t want to be distracted by a squirmy toddler (yes, a toddler!) and disobedient pre-schooler. They will be in daycare and we can celebrate with them later in the day. I also want to get family pictures taken by my photographer friend.

So, this past weekend was kind of a big one for us. Chica Marie lost her first tooth on Saturday. A few weeks ago we were out to eat on a Friday night and she mentioned her tooth was bothering her. I looked in her mouth and when I touched the offending tooth, it seemed to wiggle slightly. I pronounced her tooth to be fine but that it would soon fall out. And Chica Marie lost it. She began sobbing and howling that she didn’t want to lose her tooth. She refused to eat anything for dinner. I had been on the fence about the Tooth Fairy but decided it might help ease her into the whole tooth loss thing. So, I promised Chica Marie that when she lost her tooth, if she put it under her pillow, the Tooth Fairy would give her money for the tooth. On Saturday was playing with the tooth and I noticed it was about to pop out. I tried to get her to eat an apple to lose it, but she refused. She could see my trick. So, I promised to get her a piggy bank for the money the Tooth Fairy was going to leave her if she would let Primero pull the tooth out. After a few attempts to get a good grip, the tiny bottom middle tooth was out and Chica Marie was clinging to Primero for dear life. Sunday after church we bought a piggy bank. It’s a white piggy wearing a silver crown and a pink tulle tutu. Totally adorbs. She put the $2 in dimes the Tooth Fairy gave her into the piggy bank and jingled the coins incessantly. Primero acted the part of Tooth Fairy, sneaking into her room to retrieve the tooth and then again to stash the coins under her pillow. We used plastic baggies to contain the tooth and coins so they wouldn’t get lost under her bed because she is such a restless sleeper.

After procuring the piggy bank at Target and getting hair dying supplies at the beauty store (both Primero and Esperanza dyed their hair) we went to a pizza buffet for lunch. This is only the second time I’ve ever been to this place and who do we see there? The attorney for the little one’s mom. At first he didn’t see us, but after passing our table a few times he did notice us, but didn’t say anything. I wonder if he will report their mother that he saw us? I guess it doesn’t much matter. After lunch we took Love Bug to get his first haircut. It’s so funny because right before the rules changed for foster care I was thinking that I should ask permission to get the baby’s haircut because it was getting unruly. His thick curls were getting more and more difficult to comb on the back of his head and his hair was so long it was almost always standing up. The barber was fantastic, going slow and taking his time, being gentle and careful. When I first sat Love Bug in the chair he cried and tried to lunge back into my arms. But, I had Primero with me to help and he played Love Bugs favorite song by his favorite band, “Alone Together” by Fall out Boy. Yeah, the baby’s a rocker. So, Love Bug snatched the phone from Primero and was content to sit and let the barber go to work. He first cut the hair with a scissors because it was too thick to cut with the clippers. I only teared up a little when I got a few curly locks for his baby book and soon the barber was buzzing off more hair with the clippers. He left about ¾ of an inch on the baby’s head when it was all said and done. He took a little more than I had hoped, but Love Bug looks so much better and now he looks like more of a little boy than a baby! It is so much easier to manage his hair and he’s happier too because he hated having his hair combed. I was pleasantly surprised with how good Love Bug was while getting his hair trimmed. He didn’t really fuss and only started wiggling when the barber started with the clipper because he was scared of it. The barber was very intent on the baby getting a good first impression so he would hopefully be calm at future haircuts and not freaking out. I also got hair product tips from the mom of the boy that has his haircut before Love Bug. She  was so kind to look up the name and picture of a product she felt would help with both Love Bug and Chica Marie’s hair. I was grateful for her suggestion.

After having a varied amount of ages in foster care I didn’t really think there would be too many firsts for me as a parent. This weekend, both of the firsts for Chica Marie and Love Bug were also firsts for me. I never had a foster child lose a tooth with me and I’ve never taken a baby for their first haircut. What a blessing to experience this with both of these special little ones!

We Have a Date!

We have a date! The adoption case worker called me this afternoon to let me know so I could contact our prior case worker and give her the heads up in hopes she can make if from Florida. I will officially, legally become a mother on December 9^th at 10 am!!! I can hardly believe this is really happening! I nearly cried just listening to the adoption case worker tell me the date. Note to self, get waterproof mascara before the 9^th!

New Foster Rules I Love

It’s a rarity that I come home from a foster care training feeling like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am walking on air. In fact, I’m fairly certain that has never happened, not once in the past 5 years. Generally I feel irritated that the meeting was inutile or like there is no hope ever for anyone in foster care. So, you can understand why this new feeling is one I’m having a hard time letting go. We had a mandatory training last night and while I could talk about how unprepared the staff was due to the fact that they themselves are just piecing together this information and were informed last Wednesday they must train all their foster families before the end of the year and I could point out that the federal laws took effect in September 2014 and the Keystone state got an extension to train foster families by this past September and STILL didn’t have their act together until now – I’d rather focus on HOW GREAT THIS NEWS IS!!!! Finally, the powers that be listened to the people affected by their shoddy decisions and they did something positive to change it. Apparently, numerous foster children and former foster children spent countless hours presenting their lived stories to representatives and courts stating how restricting the foster care rules are and how it negatively affected their lives as children and into adulthood. And while nothing can be done for these foster kids and former foster kids, they wanted the future to be better. And, Congress, the courts and the states LISTENED! And they agreed that the rules were punitive towards the very children the system was trying to help. Thus, the change. Drum roll please!!!

 

Foster parents no longer have to ask permission to get a child a haircut.

Foster parents can decide to allow a foster child to get their driver’s license.

Foster parents can allow children to sleep over at a friend’s house.

Foster parents can allow a trusted friend or family member to baby-sit without the red tape of background checks and home inspections.

Foster parents can allow a child to attend school functions, even over-night functions and things in a different state (just not out of the country).

Foster parents can take kids on over-night trips and not need special permission.

Foster parents can allow and even encourage a child to get a job or volunteer outside the home.

Foster parents can allow other people to transport the children to things like sports practice, dance class, a friend’s house, carpooling, etc.

In short, foster children are now allowed to be treated as children and not having to follow “special” rules that make them out themselves as foster kids when asked to participate in “normal” activities for kids their age. Foster parents are being allowed to actually parent these kids and not rely on case workers and the courts to make every decision regarding their lives. Foster parents are actually being trusted to parent now! As one foster dad said last night, “it’s like we’ve graduated from elementary school to high school.” I agree and I embrace this freedom whole heartedly! Not only embrace it, but I can’t wait to start exercising it! Thinking that I am free to find my own child care, rather than rely on respite, has me nearly giddy. I don’t think even I realized just how oppressive it was to lose my personal support system and need to rely on only foster families and case workers to watch the kids for me when I needed to do something or wanted a break. To think that I can, at my own free will, ask someone I know and trust to baby-sit has me dancing in the streets! Often times the responsibility for foster care seems overwhelming to me and I feel like I simply can’t go on. With this news, I feel like foster care became much easier (not in helping the kids deal with trauma or in what they have endured – that won’t ever be an easy thing) because much of bureaucracy is simply gone. Think about it this way – case workers will be spending less time worrying about finding respite for foster families freeing their time to concentrate more on their cases. Judges and court officials will be less hassled by requests for vacation trips to the shore, children needing haircuts, or approving backgrounds for everyone who might ever be involved in the child’s life. So, hopefully this means things can move along at a faster pace (for the important decisions and also for things like when Primero needed surgery and his mother was in jail and couldn’t provide consent). I think we should have a party to celebrate!

Yesterday was a very busy day for me. Prior to the evening training, I was on TV as an (almost) adoptive parent talking about National Adoption month and what it’s like to foster-adopt. This was my third time on the local TV station and my second time this year with CHOR. Afterwards the CHOR staff took me and the other couple out to lunch and it was nice to talk, share pictures, and discuss the positive and negative parts of adopting from the foster care system. The foster care supervisor was glad the marketing director was there to hear our stories and she was particularly glad I shared my story about adopting Primero. It was a nice break from work in a very busy day.

Unfortunately, yesterday was not all positive. I had a meeting with Chica Marie’s therapist before the evening therapy because she made the recommendation for Chica Marie to get mobile therapy, something more intensive than the Theraplay she had been receiving. This comes after disturbing behaviors have been on-going and escalating at daycare. Chica Marie is by far the most difficult child I have living with me right now. I won’t say she’s the most difficult over all because there are two other girls who would win that distinction, but in the house now, she is the one that keeps me up at night (now that Love Bug consistently sleeps at night). I worry that I’m not doing enough for her or that my parenting style doesn’t work for her or that she won’t ever get “better,” or she’ll get worse when she starts school. I worry that perhaps I don’t give her enough attention or not the kind of attention she needs or that I don’t love her enough. The mobile therapist will be spending 4 hours a week with Chica Marie, most of this at the daycare since that is where the behaviors are more prevalent. I hope this helps because she is on the cusp of being tossed from daycare and I know that won’t help her situation and it will cause anxiety for poor Love Bug.

This afternoon I had to take my lunch break at CHOR to sign the updated version of my family profile. As the adoption case worker was walking me out, she mentioned that my former family worker had a sibling group of 3 that she so wished she could have placed with me because she knew it would work with me. In the end, the resource family decided to keep them, but it was weird to think the family worker even dreamt of my name. I was certain I was tucked away as a done deal with the three kids I have. I joked with the adoption case worker, “if only I had a bigger place!” and left it at that, but how strange!

Slight Chance

Yesterday the CHOR adoption case worker hand delivered the adoption paperwork to the lawyer. She called and left a message for me stating the office told her that, if I can return the paperwork I must sign quickly, there is a slight chance the adoption can be finalized this month! What?! That’s crazy! And wonderful! She said there is also the chance it could be finalized next month, so I’m really hoping things can be done before the end of the year. When I told Primero his response was, “OMG! Thank God!” He’s very anxious to get through with finalization and just live life like a “normal” kid. He is also very anxious to get his driver’s license and we will need his new birth certificate for that. For my part, I plan to sign the paperwork and return it the same day I receive it. I don’t want to dawdle with this! I’m just so anxious to have a date, a specific, solid date when one chapter (foster care) closes and another chapter (forever family) begins.

During the last post I wrote about Primero wanting to see his mom, or well her asking to see him since that was how he expressed it to me. He was supposed to talk to her Tuesday afternoon and try to flesh-out how she envisioned the visit to happen, when, where, with whom – that sort of thing. I suggested he tell her to call me so we could chat about it. It turns out he never talked to her. I thought for sure she would want to arrange something for this coming weekend, but Primero said she never text him to call her, so he didn’t talk to her at all. So who knows when this visit will actually happen? I find this very frustrating, how she pops in and out of Primero’s life at whim and how he accepts it hook, line and sinker. This is the first time she has asked for a visit with him and not just asked him to show up at a previously arranged event she was attending. The last time he saw her was in September when she was in town for his younger sister’s birthday and she put a message on Facebook that she would be at the city park, then called him to meet her at a local fast food restaurant. And, even though it was an inconvenience and I was thoroughly annoyed at him for flip-flopping and at first deciding he wouldn’t go, then asking to see her when she called, we went and saw her briefly. I don’t know what she had in mind for this visit, if she thought I would just drive him to see her or what, but I’m not going to worry about it anymore. If Primero asks me again I will ask him the same questions of where, when, and with whom (meaning with little kids or sans little kids). I don’t think I’m asking for too much in hoping to have these questions answered before committing to a plan.

Hermano moved into his new foster home on Monday. According to Esperanza, he is one of two kids in the home and the other child is a 14 month old baby girl. Apparently his girlfriend bought him a cell phone now that he’s out of the inpatient facility where he had been staying. Everyone is holding their breath and hoping he won’t mess this placement up and get sent back to the facility or worse. The rumor about him fathering a child over the summer has still not been answered, but I haven’t heard anything further from the county case worker so who knows. Hermano was already asking when he would visit with us, so we will have to see about arranging a visit soon. I don’t know if the county wants him to settle in for a period of time before beginning the visits.

After giving it a lot of thought and second guessing myself every step of the way, I bought Primero a small box of condoms over the weekend. I told him I hoped he would not feel the need to rush out and use them, but that I wanted him to be protected if he did decide to have sex. And I begged him to be extra careful with his girlfriend because I would lose my mind if he got her pregnant. He was rather annoyed that I actually bought him condoms, stating he’s not having sex anytime soon, but well we all know how that goes don’t we? I did tell him that I believe, if he feels he is old enough and responsible enough to have sex then he should also be old enough and responsible enough to buy his own condoms. Again, we know how that goes! So, at least I’ve tried to make sure he is protected but I sincerely hope he waits a little while longer before becoming sexually active.