Life as I Know It

This weekend was another busy one. And, rather than feeling ready to greet the new work week, I’m just beat, totally exhausted. I’d like nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep for several days in a row. I feel like I am constantly pulled in 15 different directions and while I try to shift from issue to issue, I feel totally ineffective in completing any tasks. This is my week and the things churning around me as I know them:

 

Love Bug’s speech therapist is coming to visit tonight. She wasn’t out last week because she got sick, which was actually advantageous for me because her visit was planned for one of the evenings I would be coming back from my far away training and we would not have been home when she got there. I had forgotten to text her and let her know our schedule had changed. After the speech therapist leaves and we have dinner, we need to go grocery shopping before picking up Primero. And I really need to clean the bathroom! My hope is to accomplish all of this by 9 pm so I can sit down and watch Dancing with the Stars.

 

I did a lot of laundry yesterday and I folded all of it last night. I just need to put it away, which is always my least favorite thing to do. I changed my winter shoes for my summer shoes yesterday, but I need to change my clothing over because it just looks silly to wear sweaters with sandals. I was also helping my mom do the same thing, which meant a lot of running up and down the stairs at her house as I tried to discern which skirts she wanted to send to the attic and which ones she wanted to keep in her closet. I had to use Primero’s go-go-gadget arms to reach these things, since I’m shorter than my mom and have the reach of an un-athletic T-Rex. He was on the phone and not pleased to act as my reacher-of-things. I tried to understand where my mom wanted her clothing stored, but it seems my dad’s organizational habits require the directional skills of an inebriated squirrel and so I could barely find the things she requested. My goal is to complete this herculean task when I’m up at their place again on Sunday, but there is also the task of washing and replacing the screens to all 954 windows in their house (I swear my mom is the only person on the face of this planet who takes the screens out of her windows for winter and replaces them in the Spring – it’s insanity!). Did I mention I should really dust upstairs? I’ve contacted a landscaper about handling her outside because really, I cannot weed all her flower beds whilst doing all the other above mentioned things. I am only one human being after all.

 

Tuesday evening we are having another planning meeting with our new case worker and Chica Marie’s mobile therapist. I hate these futile meetings, mostly because the biggest information giver never attends so it’s just the rest of us asking questions no one present knows the answers to. After the last planning meeting I emailed my questions to the county case worker and her answers left me more confused than informed. Fortunately, I was able to speak to her in-person a few weeks later and got answers, but I would still be going mad now if I hadn’t had that opportunity. And, because our case worker seems to be changing every quarter, I find I’m re-telling the same things over and over again simply for contextual understanding to current and on-going issues. That doesn’t get old, by the way. Not in the slightest.

 

I’m trying to understand how having a crush on someone is not hurtful to the one you are dating. According to Primero, this is no big deal, but in my (adult/mature) eyes, this seems to be a very slippery slope. It’s very hard parenting a child who has had years of different morals instilled in them. I feel like I am always walking a tight rope between what my moral codes are and what I feel is the right thing to do and what beliefs Primero may hold that differ from mine. I’ve had chats with Primero about being loyal to a relationship and how much it hurt him when his girlfriend did things with her ex. On Saturday, as we were out running errands, we tried to stop in and see Hermano at work. Unfortunately, he had to start work before we got there and while we did stay and eat, he didn’t get a chance to visit with us. Primero gave me some sad information concerning Hermano, which I’m focusing on letting go. We’ll have to arrange another time to see him since it’s been months since we last saw him. I think it is this week that he will be finding out the gender of the baby, although he indicated he might not be sharing that right away. When I last spoke to him, I asked if his girlfriend would be having a baby shower and he said he wasn’t sure. I would like to contribute, even if they would rather we not attend. I can always send a gift card. Primero got emotional when we remembered talking about planning a surprise graduation party for Esperanza many, many moons ago. I had suggested he mention the idea to his aunt and uncle, but he declined and so we let the topic drop. It’s sad to think of what could have been.

 

A friend of mine told me over the weekend that her oldest daughter is expecting her first child in November. Her daughter will soon be 19 and my friend is not fond of the boyfriend. She is devastated that her daughter is having a child so young because she did the same thing and she struggled for years. I cannot understand having a baby as a teenager, even when you are legally and adult. There is so much life to be lived before settling down! I was anxious about going off to college and finding a career path. A baby was not on my radar in the slightest. Don’t get me wrong, I love being there for my three, but it takes a lot out of you. And while I enjoy it, I don’t know if I would if I hadn’t had some life experiences before pursuing motherhood.

 

I have once again delved into the world of online dating. It takes so much time to keep on top of it! I feel utterly bombarded with messages and I scarcely have the time to weed out the weirdos and not-gonna-happens. Still, I am tired of being lonely and the only way that will change is if I focus on finding someone and so there it is. It would be so much simpler if my perfect partner could just identify himself immediately and save me the time of having to actually meet the men I’m talking to, but sadly that’s the way things go. It floors me how I prominently display the fact that I have children and yet some men think I can be ready to go on a date at the drop of a hat – um? Am I supposed to just throw some newspaper on the floor and hope for the best? Ideally, Primero could stay home with the little ones and I would trust him to do so, but the foster care rule about being 21 still applies even if other rules have softened. So, that means planning ahead. Why does this bother some men so much? But, it is also a good tool to assess those who are truly interested in dating and those who just want desert – if they can’t be patient enough to schedule something, they are off my potentials list. If they are too demanding of my time they also quickly drop in favor. Maybe it’s a bad way of looking at things, but it’s just how I operate.

 

I spent most of yesterday cleaning. Saturday we were running errands, like taking the cat to the groomers, looking at pavers for the backyard sidewalk project I’ve been “working on” for nearly 4 years now, and searching for the perfect burlap ribbon. I’m making the bows for the isle for my sister’s wedding and I had to make about 400 bows to send her pictures and allow her to pick the one she liked best. Then, I had to return to the store and buy more of the ribbon she chose. I also wrote up the bridal shower invitations and need to get them mailed today. The rest of the bridal party wanted the invitations to be sent out weeks ago (the shower is on May 14^th) so they’ve been on me to get it done. After I did 4 loads of laundry and washed two sinks full of dishes, I moved my winter shoes out of the closet and put my summer shoes in their place. But that time it was time to go up to the farm and start cleaning my parent’s place. I cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed upstairs and down the steps. My mom admitted to being depressed about being stuck in her seat, but things took a turn for the worst when she asked me about my sister’s wedding dress. The wedding dress saga in Reader’s Digest terms: my sister chose a wedding dress last year after many grueling shopping trips in which she bickered with my mom and there were hurt feelings all around. The dress she chose was beautiful but she wanted to modify it rather drastically. The back was all lace and she wanted it removed. One dress shop said she couldn’t do it, another promised their seamstress could deliver and well, the short of it is they couldn’t. The dress just did not fit her figure once tailored and she was so upset she ended up hating the dress. She loathed it so much, she decided to sell it and start from scratch. Only, now the clock is ticking. She lives in DC we live in PA, so distance, time and her schedule made coming home to dress shop hard to do. My mom has been asking about the dress but my sister only confided in me on Saturday the true fate of the dress. And that she found a new dress with the help of her friend who also happens to be the officiant for the wedding. My mom asked me yesterday if I knew what had become of the dress and so I told her what I knew. And my mom lost it. She sobbed most of the time I was there because she was so hurt that my sister went wedding dress shopping and found her wedding dress without her. My mom was angry at me for telling her about it and then angry at my sister for being too gutless to tell her herself. My mom has sworn she isn’t going to the bridal shower and is threatening to not go to the wedding. I’ve been trying to stay out of the it, to keep above the fray, but alas I find myself squarely in the middle. The bad thing is, my mom can really hold a grudge and it seems she is going there with my sister. I’m trying to find what fun is left in this wedding endeavor and make the most of it, but I gotta tell ya, it ain’t easy!

 

I was thinking about having a second birthday party for Love Bug, but his birthday is less than a week before the wedding and so I will probably be too overwhelmed to plan much less execute an actual party. Maybe I’ll just invite some people over to our place for cake and ice cream. It would be nice if his grandmother and Mini Momma could be there. And, this would mean doing something with the backyard, since that’s where I envision this non-party birthday get-together happening. Of course, this also opens up the dilemma about who to invite versus not invite because space would be limited. Maybe I should look into a park? This is getting into party territory….

 

Mother’s Day is looming on the horizon. I despise Mother’s Day and this year my own mother has taken a decidedly negative stance on the holiday as well, although for different reasons. Primero’s girlfriend’s baby will be a year old just before Mother’s Day and Primero has already mentioned she is having a party. As of now, Primero won’t be going because the baby’s father will be there and the girlfriend and her family don’t want any issues arising. You know, all that baby mama drama. Yuck! I’m glad that Primero won’t be going although I suspect he will spring a surprise invitation on me and expect to go anyway. This is his M.O. I still remember all the angst over this girl and her baby last year and how it has really only dulled slightly. I’ve just learned to keep my mouth shut about it because it’s not something Primero and I will ever see eye-to-eye on. Their faux relationship is harmless so long as Primero doesn’t become the next baby daddy. I have to ask Primero if he wants to get his girlfriend and his mom something for Mother’s Day because we will have to do that this weekend.

 

Interspersed among all the above things swirling through my head is the more mundane things like what to eat for dinner and if the kids need their hair washed tonight or not (luckily, not because I washed it last night). I feel bad for the cat who went to the groomers on Saturday because she lost all her hair, it was so matted that was the only option. Now the other cat is pesting her and they are fighting incessantly. The smaller dog has been acting weird the past few days and she spontaneously ran out of the house and jumped into the van yesterday when we were getting loaded up to go to the farm. I joked it was because she got into a fight with the non-shaved cat and has a cut on her ear. Before we could convince the small dog to get back in the house, the bigger dog (who just turned 11 on Saturday) dashed out into the van as well so we decided to just take them along. I have to find the paperwork for Chica Marie to have an EKG done on Thursday and I also need to find the paperwork for her daycare to fill out to see if her medication is helping her behaviors. I sure could use a vacation!