Telephone

Yesterday afternoon at work I went to the bathroom and when I got back to my desk my phone was blowing up with phone calls, texts, and a voicemail. This is not my typical Monday afternoon! I first listened to the voicemail and understood what all the hoopla was about – I needed to call Esperanza’s school and give permission for her to leave school with a friend who was driving her to work. Ok. I called and spoke to the Vice Principal, gave my permission and thought the whole thing was over. A moment after I hang up, I see Esperanza was calling me, but I choose not to answer. I figure she hadn’t gotten the news that I made the call, so I text her to let her know I did call and give permission. Of all the ludicrous things! I guess it’s just a school cya, but asking my permission for anything for Esperanza is sort of an oxymoron – my permission, my anything is not needed. We haven’t spoken in months. The only time I hear from her is when I need to communicate some insipid permission to the school. Primero indicated she had tried to text me a few weeks ago, but I never received a text. And I’m not going to resume communicating through Primero, it was one of the greatest mistakes I made with Esperanza. She is her own person capable of having a conversation with me if and when she so chooses. I won’t let Primero be the go-between anymore because it isn’t fair to him, for one, and because then words and meanings get colored by his perception which has caused friction in the past. I am open to conversing without Primero interfering. I’m sure he will find that difficult, because he seems to want to be involved in every detail regarding his family – perhaps some left-over hyper vigilance from his past life, I don’t know. I have stayed the course, as far as I am concerned. I have never rescinded any of my offers or promises and the only thing I asked for in return was respect. Primero seems to think any action I take, any offer to help, will be viewed as me trying to win back affection or work out an apology. There is only one thing I felt needed an apology from me and that was covered in the beginning before things got really bad. I don’t need to give an apology, I need to receive one. And unless or until that happens, I don’t anticipate answering my phone, rather I will keep communication to texting where anything I say can be seen and saved and not misconstrued into something hurtful to use against me. I suppose I have some trust issues in this area but I tend to try to play it safe when I am hurt so deeply. I have turned away from the mess and the ugliness of what happened and I’m concentrating on the children living under my roof, including Primero. And I can only hope that someday things will be better.