Stay Reprised

It has been a long week and I’m exhausted. Last month I have started a year-long professional development class that requires I drive to the capital two days per month. On those days my hectic 15 minute commute (well, it’s actually longer than that because I have to drop Primero off at school and then take the little ones to daycare before arriving at work) is stretched into a 90 minute marathon. I have to wake up extra early and get us all out the door by 6:30 am in order to reach my training destination with enough time to speed walk from the cheaper parking lot to the building where the class is held. At the end of the day I have to battle hordes of traffic to get back to pick the little ones up from daycare and then find them something for dinner before collapsing on the couch. I am enjoying the classes but not the added stress of the long-distance commute. I never asked, but it could be possible to stay over, but that would mean finding a place for the children to go while I’m away and that seems like even more of a hassle. Regardless, this class and the travel, makes for a stressful week.

 

Tuesday night, when I took the little ones to pick up Primero at the CFA, Esperanza crawled into the van to hug us all, much to my surprise. I wasn’t really paying attention when Primero walked up to the van, I just noticed him out of the corner of my eye and unlocked the doors. I looked up when I heard him opening the back door near Chica Marie and that is when I saw Esperanza getting into the van. Because I have a wild imagination, I thought someone was chasing her at first. But, she was too calm. She didn’t say a word to me, just wrapped my head and shoulders in a hug and hopped back out of the van to chat with Primero who was trying to get Love Bug to say, “buddy” because he says it so cutely. Esperanza gave us a second round of hugs before Primero climbed into the front passenger seat and we drove off. I commented to Primero, “that was strange” as we pulled away and he ignored my comment to tell me his news of the day.

 

I don’t know what to make of this sequence of events. Just the day before Esperanza had called me regarding a transportation request for school and I was too scared to answer. Not scared, hesitant? Nervous? Cautious? Stubborn? I did text a response and called the school as requested, but I just couldn’t bring myself to answer the phone. I don’t really know what to say and, to be honest, I don’t really know how to pretend like nothing happened. I’m not angry and the pain of what happened only hurts when I think about what we had, but I just don’t know how to be. I guess it is believed I should be “over it” and just let the past stay in the past, but that’s like ignoring a festering wound and hoping it will just go away on its own. My family was thrown into utter chaos, my relationship with my son was threatened, I was threatened personally and a lot of very ugly things were said. How do I forgive that without an apology or any acknowledgement of the actions that created this mess? I want to forgive and I wish I could forget it all, but I also want to protect the children and my heart. I’m fearful of doing something to upset the balance, to cause a similar pain to be rained upon us because I cannot waiver on my standards. I don’t understand any of this. And I have no idea how to proceed. Maybe I’m being overly cautious, I don’t know. I miss how things were when we were together more.  I know time heals all wounds but time does not have the same cathartic effect on trust. I’ve heard trust being described as a piece of paper – once it is crinkled it can be smoothed out but it won’t ever be the same. I’m not so doom and gloom, but trust is a very tricky thing; it's very hard to get it back once it’s gone. At this point, I’m just letting the ball sit quietly in Esperanza’s court. I am here, as I have always been and none of the promises I made were ever rescinded. Her life has completely changed, but my life, our lives, are very much the same. And, as undesirable as that may be, that lends to a certain stability I find comforting. In the last 10 years or so, my world has been rocked by some pretty damaging things. Yet, I somehow manage to keep rising, to stand tall, and to soldier on. I guess that’s just life. And, oddly enough, this brings to mind my word of the year – STAY. Storms of change and upheaval swirl around me but I STAY.