Interacting with Biological Family

Last week a fellow foster-adopt blogger posted about interacting with biological family and having open relationships with the families of her foster children. I really connected to her post because in it she explained how she feels she has grown from when she first became a foster parent until present time. Like her, I was shocked to hear how open some relationships were in foster-adopt when I was going through the initial training. I began researching open adoptions after this training, but stopped when we got our first placement because there wasn’t any biological family involved, their rights had already been terminated before the little boy moved in with us and there were no visits. After everything changed and I decided to continue on as a single foster mother, I took in a second placement. This child was old enough to remember her family and to voice an opinion about interacting with them. I had met her older sister, but never met her mother and the girl only had a few visits with her mother before they were stopped. This girl, older now, has found me on Facebook and we have spoken a few times. She has since found her father and a brother who was living with him and she’s been in touch with them. My third placement was only with me for a month and again, I had no interaction with their mother other than through the case worker and that was only to hear complaints from their mom. My fourth placement was when I truly interacted with biological family of the children in my care. I had met the children’s mom and even dropped the kids off at her place for overnight visits. The first time I met her she was exceptionally rude, but I tried to remain calm. She had my direct phone number (it was given to her by the foster family who previously had the children) and on several occasions she called me to chew me out about something she didn’t like. I would almost always redirect her to her case worker, as these are not things she should have been yelling at me about. Again, from my case worker I would hear her complaints about stupid things, like the laundry smelling like it was dried outside (because it was) and she didn’t like that. I also interacted with the grandmother to the little girl and again, it wasn’t always positive. When I got frustrated at the grandmother bringing the child back to me at 10-11 o-clock on a Sunday night, she rerouted around me and only picked up and dropped off at the baby-sitter’s place.

 

So, when Primero moved in and he was still having regular visits with his mom, I was leery in getting to know her, worried it would be a similarly difficult situation. Contrary to my previous experience, his mother was gracious and thankful when she first met me. We were cordial and I even drove her home on several occasions after she visited with Primero. During the holidays that first year (2014) we interacted a little more at family functions, but by this time it was determined Primero wouldn’t be reunifying with his mother and so it was a little awkward. She told me later she thought I was stand-offish. I tried to extend an olive branch and forge a relationship with her, but it quickly fizzled out. I’ve heard things were posted on Facebook (I’m not sure if I was indirectly referred to or if my name was used – we aren’t friends on Facebook) regarding my contact with Primero’s family and I understand it’s really just coming from a place of hurt and jealousy. Primero has expressed a desire for me and his mom to be friends but, as things are right now, I don’t see that happening. Primero told me Esperanza has thawed her freeze-out of their mother and has begun talking to her and even plans on visiting with her. Primero had asked me about visiting his mom back in November and I had said yes, I just wanted to know when, where, and how. He never got back to me and we got busy with the holidays. When Primero told me about his sister making the trip, he made it sound like he had planned to go along. So, I talked with him about it and reminded him the offer was open, but I get the sense he didn’t want me to take him at all. He seemed to hope Mr. J or his uncle would take him and (yes I’m assuming) he didn’t seem to want me involved. I get the sense I wouldn’t be welcomed and I understand. After Primero ran off to see his mom without permission I told him for the foreseeable future, he could only visit with me or another trusted adult (his uncle and eldest brother are trusted adults). I did take him to see her during his younger sister’s birthday last September although it was a very brief meeting because it was so last-minute.

 

We have plans to see her this Saturday and I am nervous for the visit. His mother lives roughly 40 minutes from us in a neighboring county. We are going to pick her up and go to the local mall (one I used to go to when I was in college). I think we’ll have lunch together, walk the mall and then take her back home before we head back to pick up the little ones, since we only have respite for the afternoon (sigh). I spoke with Primero about expectations for the visit but he wasn’t very talkative or open to conversation about it. In the past when he has interacted with his mom and me simultaneously, he seems to get an attitude about it. I don’t know how to describe it other than he’s different. I’m guessing it’s just how he deals with the complicated feelings that all of this elicits. My hope is, that by having a more extended visit without other people present (I mean other family members, obviously there will be other people at the mall), we will be able to break out of the awkward stage and truly begin building a relationship. But, being the pessimistic optimist I am, I worry about all the ways the day can go wrong.

 

I guess suffice it to say my interactions with Primero’s mother have been complicated. Do I wish things were different? Yes. I wish there was more open communication but, as my therapist told me at our last session, it’s not possible to have a rational relationship with someone who isn’t healthy. It seems Primero’s mother might be in a better place, but for the previous times when I tried to reach out to her, she was not. So, our relationship (or lack thereof) is a work in progress.

 

I’ve had more success connecting with other family members in Primero’s biological family. I have a fairly good relationship with his older siblings. I have met all of Primero’s siblings, but I have only really gotten to know his three older siblings. Mr. J has spent time at our place on several occasions, just hanging out with Primero. He has been over for dinner a few times and him and his girlfriend have baby-sat the kids on occasion as well. I have always has a positive interaction with Mr. J. Esperanza is the next oldest and probably the sibling I have gotten to know the best. Sadly, things took a bad turn in February and I am now persona non grata with her. I have hope that this might change in the future, but it’s one of those things that only time will tell. Hermano is the third oldest and the sibling I have known the longest, since he used to attend visits with Primero’s mom. I have tried to maintain contact with Hermano’s foster families as he has floated around from place to place and I’m always open to having Hermano spend time at our place. Things were rocky with Hermano after the Christmas and New Year’s stunt, but we patched things up and all is well. He will be finding out if his first child is a boy or girl in a few more weeks and his girlfriend is due September 14^th. With Primero’s two younger sisters, contact has been very spotty. He has gone to visit his youngest sister only a few times and I don’t think they talk regularly. It’s strange, since her two younger half-brothers go to the same daycare as Love Bug and Chica Marie and I (foolishly) thought this might lead to more contact (you know, with her step-mom and her dad seeing us as normal people?), but that has not been the case. From my uneducated position, it seems they don’t really welcome much interaction from her mother’s side of the family, since the youngest sister doesn’t attend any family events. The second youngest sister travels a lot, spending time in Florida and NYC. I tried to take her along to an Ariana Grande concert with us last summer, but she ended up being in Florida and so we took Esperanza along instead. This sister asked to go along on our visit with his mom this weekend and I’m hesitant to take her along simply because I was hoping it would be more of an opportunity for her and I to get to know one another. But, I feel bad because Primero doesn’t get to hang out with his younger sisters, so she might end up going along just for that reason. In addition to his siblings, I also have a great relationship with his aunt and uncle  and I’m so glad for it. They were a great source of support when things got ugly with Esperanza and I truly appreciated their help. In a sense, adopting Primero has grown my family beyond just one son, but to all of these other people. Maybe his mom will be included in that group one day! I don’t know, but I leave the door open to it.

 

The first time I met Chica Marie and Love Bugs mom it was not a good meeting. It was a Friday and Love Bug had been with me since Monday. I had agreed to pick Chica Marie up at her foster home (she wasn’t living with us yet) and take her and Love Bug to their visit at the County Services Building in town. When we got there, their mom was sitting in a chair next to the elevator with a social worker who would be supervising the visit. Before we even got to her, the mom asked where Mini Momma was (she was going to a different foster home for respite and so not available for the visit) since she clearly wasn’t along with us (Primero was with me). I tried to explain but she interrupted me to complain about Love Bug being in a pink car seat (it was the only car seat I had – thankfully someone gave me a gray one which I’ve been using ever since). She was angry Mini Momma wasn’t there and it seemed she wasn’t going to have the visit without her older daughter. After a flurry of phone calls that no one answered (it was after 5 on a Friday!), the social worker took the mom and kids upstairs for the visit. For a long time after the first encounter, I faced the criticism and complaints of the kids mom before and after visits. It continued for months, honestly. Things started to change between us once Mini Momma began bouncing to different foster homes. It was then that their mom turned to me as a trusted foster parent while reviling the foster homes of Mini Momma. What did I do to get on her good graces? I listened. That’s it! She would start in on something and rather than deny it or try to tell her she was wrong (like sending home a raw egg for a young child to take care of?) I would just listen to her. I would try to make an effort to do the small things that bothered her but weren’t detrimental to the children. I made sure to put the kids in the clothing she would sometimes buy them (unless it was way too big, as it was sometimes for Love Bug – then I would wait until it fit him). I did my best to see past her thorny exterior and treat her like a human being. And I tried to never get into an argument with her because I honestly think that’s what she was looking for most of the time. There were a few occasions where I stood and talked to her for an hour or more after a visit ended. I haven’t seen her since court in June. When I spoke to the county case worker last week she told me how she mentioned to the kids mom she should start forging a relationship with me. I would welcome her to do so! I have a sort of working relationship with her mother, the kids grandmother. We share information sometimes and I think she will be open to having the kids get together as much as her work schedule permits. I’m hoping to keep these relationships moving in a positive direction.

 

What I know from my experience is that it sometimes can be difficult in creating a relationship with the biological family of the kids. These families are in crisis and so they aren’t always able to add being nice to foster parents to their list of things to do. I get that. Or at least I try to! It’s hard feeling like it’s me against them, when they continually nitpick at everything. I get why they do it – to make themselves feel better, look better. But, it can get tiring being the bigger person. Regardless, listening and trying to understand from their perspective goes a very long way in greasing the wheels of acceptance and open communication. I’m no expert and I have a lot to learn, but this is the growth I know I’ve made since beginning my journey as a foster parent.