Bittersweet

Primero and I spoke last night. I wanted us to talk about our expectations for life after adoption, but specifically how we envisioned the future to be with his bio mom. I came clean about what I felt was the stumbling block for me to befriend his bio mom – I honestly told him I was angry with her for all the things she did in the past that hurt him and even for the things she’s doing now that hurt him (like blaming him for being adopted). I asked him why it was so important for his bio mom and I to be friends and he said because he felt like we have a lot in common (I disagree) and he wanted me to be able to ask her for parenting advice if he gave me trouble in the future. I told him this was not fair to his bio mom because she won’t have a say in parenting him anymore, those are the rights the court is taking away from her. I promised him I would make every effort to develop a relationship with his bio mom but that, just like any relationship, it takes both people to make it work. And, again I was honest with him, we might never be the close friends he hopes we will be. It’s awkward and difficult for both of us. We actually had a really good conversation about what he wants (more freedom to be “a normal kid” with his friends) and what I’m comfortable with (sleep-overs with girls? No. Sleep-overs with his gay friends who’ve had a threesome? Er, probably not. Spending time at a friend’s house when their parents are home and I can be in touch with the parents? Yes. Going to the mall or movies with a group of friends? Most likely yes.). I told him for right now I only want him to see his mom when I’m there and that while I suspect I will be ok with him going on his own in the future, right now I’m not comfortable with that and I cannot tell him when I will be comfortable with that. I promised it was something we could revisit as often as we need to. We talked about how he would like the visits to happen, where and if/when we would invite his bio mom over to our place (not yet). All-in-all it was a very good conversation and being open with one another really seemed to clear the air regarding our future.

As he was getting ready to go into his basement bedroom to bed last night I hugged him tightly and said,” Please be my little boy for a little longer.” In addition to our bio mom/future expectations conversation we once again talked about him having sex with his girlfriend (they were apparently playing with condoms at the after school program). I told him I was glad they were prepared (have condoms) but I sincerely hoped he would wait just a bit longer (until he’s 16? Please?). When he hugged me back he promised he would be a boy a bit longer, that he’s not going to be having sex anytime soon. I want to believe him, truly I do. And sometimes, like last night, I just take him at his word and forget the hormones racing through his system. I never knew him as a baby,  but he seemed so much younger when he moved in last year. He’s grown taller and matured (in a good way) over these last 12 months but I’m just not ready for him to be a “man.” Can’t I bottle up his silly teenage self and keep that boy forever? No, I cannot. But, I can love the man he is becoming and cherish the memories I have of my boy. Like so many things in adoption, it’s bittersweet.