Struggling with Open Adoption

I sent Primero’s mother a text on Friday. I had her number from Primero saved in my texts (I never delete my old text and sometimes that comes in handy), so I figured I’d reach out. We talked about the weather for a bit. I guess it’s a start. I wasn’t going to tell Primero but then I worried that he would see it as deceptive so last night over dinner I asked him he would want to know if I was talking to someone from his family. He said he would very much want to know (and he would view it as deceptive if I didn’t tell him) so I let him read the exchange between us. And I asked him about inviting her to church with us some Sunday soon. I don’t know how else I will get to know her if we don’t spend time together, so I figured we might as well start somewhere.

I am still struggling with this whole thing. I understand open adoption is almost always better for the adopted child, but it’s not so easy on adoptive parents. At least not this adoptive parent. I find that I am angry and resentful of Primero’s bio mom and I am working forgiving her and finding a space for her in my heart. I don’t know why, but it is so so so important to Primero that not only do I tolerate or simply get along but that I am friends with his bio mom. And I don’t want to be her friend, if I can be quite blunt about it. We have nothing in common, other than Primero and even there we differ on how we view him, his up-bringing and his future. I feel like Primero’s family views him as the child they knew who was acting out and trying to find his way in their tumultuous family. And now he is more grounded, has matured a bit and become more comfortable in his skin because he is accepted as himself. His mother told me she thought she was the only person who could “handle” him but was pleasantly surprised that I could too. I don’t “handle” him, I love him and I respect him and treat him as a cherished son. She accused him of being lippy with me and tried to parent him by admonishing him to stop. It bugged me. Just like it bugs me that while I have embraced Primero’s siblings as family, I struggle so hard in accepting his bio mom. Maybe if she could have “manned up” and taken responsibility for the pain she has caused him and not blamed all her problems on the county I could have found a measure of respect for her. But, she didn’t and so I have to dig deeper to find a way to be her friend. And the little bratty girl inside of me is stomping her feet screaming, “I don’t want to!” I just keep reminding myself that I am doing this for Primero. It’s not for her, it’s for him. He needs this for some reason, something I knew even before we moved onto adoption, and so I have to be the bigger person here and I have to do everything in my power to forge a relationship with someone I would otherwise choose not to associate myself with in an intimate way. Right now I’m not comfortable with her visiting our home, but if we are doing things out in public I am fine. I’m just struggling with the idea of befriending someone I would not choose to be friends with in the “real” world.

So, since I realized last week that I need to be the one to initiate contact, even though it’s not something I even want, I’ve reached out when I’m feeling particularly puckish and unfriendly. I want to train myself to think of her differently, to see her as a person and a mother and someone who needs unconditional love, just like the boy we share. Ugh, it’s so hard! But, my parents taught me that just because something is hard doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. Today I invited her to church with us on Sunday. I figured it was a safe place to start. We will go to lunch afterwards. And tonight Primero and I will sit down and discuss our expectations both for Sunday and the future. My friend at work, who is also an adoptive mom but with a rather closed adoption, said her fear would be that in the future Primero would want more and more contact. I think that’s what you call a relationship. And I don’t doubt he will always seek contact with his bio mom, regardless of the limitations I might try to impose. We live in a connected world, with social media, cell phones, and the internet. I couldn’t break all contact even if I wanted to, which I don’t. I just want him to be safe and I want her to respect our relationship. I’m trying to adjust my own expectations too because I never envisioned adoption as a marriage in which I’m getting not only a child but also their entire biological family to add to my own family. I just need to take this one baby step at a time. Please help me to have an open heart, Lord.