On-going Efforts

Last Thursday night Primero and I went to Philly to see Ariana Grande in concert. She is his favorite singer/actress and has been for a few years now. So, I couldn’t pass up the chance to take him to see her in concert. We rented a car because I don’t trust mine to make the trip and the only issue was getting stuck in rush-hour traffic on our way down to the concert. We both had a good time and he used my phone to capture several videos of his idol singing her heart out. I’m so glad he was able to experience her in concert and I enjoyed myself as well.

Friday, after taking the car back and dropping Primero off at school, I had the day to myself. I cleaned and did laundry. I didn’t get as much done as I wanted to because before I knew it I had to leave to pick up the kids and get them off to therapy. Still, it was strange being in the house with no kids at all even for a few short hours.

At therapy on Friday we met the new foster family for the older sister. They seemed nice and also seemed to understand the situation with the sister – how she uses accusations to get removed from her foster home in hopes that her next stop is home with her bio mom. We talked for a bit while the girls’ therapy sessions overlapped and I filled them in a bit on my relationship with the sister and what I know about the case. During our brief conversation, the grandmother called. At the last court session I had been given permission from the county worker to set up the monthly visits with the grandmother, rather than go through the county worker. I had called the grandmother the beginning of February to set something up and she hadn’t responded until Friday (the bio mom said her mother’s wife had been dealing with some medical issues). The grandmother explained that she had requested the sister be placed with her, to prevent all this moving around, but her schedule did not make it possible to get the girl back to our area (grandmother lives about an hour away) for the two visits per week, the therapy session, and the new Saturday therapy every other week. Thus the sister is in her 5^th foster home. It’s a shame for the girl to be bounced around so much. The grandmother asked if the children would be sent home soon and I told her we don’t have court again until July, so the children won’t be going anywhere before then. She got upset stating they can’t go home yet that the bio mom is dealing with some stuff and that she has been doing heroin (which would jive with how strung out she was at a visit a few weeks ago). Grandmother vowed to report this to the county case worker. She ended the conversation with a promise to call back to set up the visit and reiterated her desire to have the girls spend the night with her sometime soon. Just like the bio mom, the grandmother’s major concern right now is the older sister. She was excited to learn that the baby is almost crawling and has two teeth but she was more worried about seeing the older girl and getting her for weekend visits. I can understand the concern, since things for the sister are so unstable and have been that way for many months now. I can also understand how everyone feels comfortable with the little ones being in a stable home, being loved on and cared for – it’s just hard not to see it as the two I have are being swept under the rug in favor of the more problematic older sister.  

Saturday I took the little girl to the local museum for a Clifford the Big Red dog exhibit. It was our girl bonding time. We dropped off the boys with another foster family and then had lunch at McDonalds (I let her choose where to have lunch). It was a yucky rainy day on Saturday, so I thought the museum would be a good place to spend our time. I was not impressed with the exhibit, there were so few things there to experience. I tried to get the little girl to explore other areas of the museum, but she was not having it. She wanted to run wild in the Clifford area, which was designed for hands-on experience by the kiddos. I don’t think the little girl understood our afternoon outing. She kept asking why the boys (more specifically Primero) were not with us and when we would get them back. She kept repeating, “it’s just me and you.” Which is how I billed the day – it’s a me and you day. She wanted to get the boys and bring them back to the museum with us. I was hoping she would eat up the one-on-one time since she always seems to demand my attention. But, when it was just the two of us, she was more concerned about why the others were not along as well. I guess she’s a little too young to “get it” but I won’t make this the last time we get some girl time alone. I want her to feel special and to have time when my attention is not divided, so it will be an on-going effort.

Speaking of on-going efforts……. I had invited Primero’s bio mom to church with us on Sunday. Saturday Hermano called. He was visiting with bio mom and one of their younger sisters. Primero talked to them all for a brief moment (he was disgusted that Hermano was talking/fighting with some kid on the phone and he was cussing up a storm and their bio mom just laughed – just a few days after she admonished Primero to stop cursing on Facebook). Before he left the room to chat I whispered to ask him to confirm the church visit with bio mom. When he got off the phone he said she wasn’t coming because she just moved. I struggled to remain calm. She flaked on the visit she was supposed to have with him and his case worker as well. By her actions, it is easy to see Primero is not a priority to her and yet, she is with Hermano all the time. I have thought about reaching out to her again. Sunday was not only time for her to see Primero but also time for her and I to begin getting to know one another. By her deciding not to attend church with us she is confirming to Primero that he’s not as important as Hermano. She is damaging her prospects for a more open adoption with us because we cannot depend on the plans we’ve made with her. How does she expect me to act all warm and fuzzy when she won’t make any effort to get to know me? And, quite frankly, it’s rude to make plans and break them on a whim. I want to blurt this all out in a text, but I know that would be counter-productive. I also thought about just letting it go, to take a page from Primero’s book and pretend it doesn’t bother me. I could justifiably say I’ve made an effort and she didn’t reciprocate. But, that’s not the right answer either. I must find a diplomatic way of reaching out to her. I don’t want to make her feel guilty (ok, I do kind of want to make her feel guilty for hurting Primero’s feelings yet again) but I also want to let her know this is not ok. Trust is built in the little things that we do (or don’t do). This whole open adoption, let’s-have-a-wonderful-relationship thing won’t work if I’m the only one making an effort. Maybe church was too intimidating for her, too much on my turf. What would be a better option? Should I invite her to lunch, just the two of us? When on earth would I have time for a child-free lunch? Would she feel better going to some event, like the movies? Should we try something with her and Hermano at the same time (although, I think that would cause Primero even more grief, to see the two of them together)? Should we invite her to our place for dinner? This is maddening, honestly. I don’t want to be pushy but at the same time I don’t want it to seem like I’m not making every effort possible to forge a relationship with Primero’s bio mom. So, I sent a simple text – “Good afternoon [bio mom’s name]. I’m sorry you weren’t able to attend church with us on Sunday. I hope you are all settled into your new place. I would like an opportunity to spend some time together so we can get to know one another better. What would be the best way for us to do that?” I hope it sounds like I’m open and willing to make this work, for Primero’s sake. I hope it’s not condescending or pushy. I hope I get a response.

Saturday night I had just put the baby down for a post-dinner cat nap when there was a knock at my front door. I wasn’t expecting anyone, so I had no idea who it could be. When I opened the door a woman flashed an ID card in front of me and said,” I’m So-and-So with CYS. I need to see [little girls name].” I was taken aback, but moved to let her in the house as she assured me it had nothing to do with me. In the kitchen, with the now awake howling baby soothed and settled in my lap and the panics-stricken little girl clinging to my arm begging for the woman to not take her away, she explained. A report was made about bio mom abusing the little girl during a visit, verbally threatening her as well as past issues that happened to various siblings. The little girl wouldn’t talk to the case worker and kept saying she was scared and didn’t want to leave. The woman was at my house for a grand total of 15 minutes. Today the county worker visited with the little girl at her daycare and found two bruises – one on her right arm and one on her back. The little girl had about a 2 hour melt down in her room yesterday, including flinging herself off her bed on several occasions (her bed is practically on the floor, so it’s not like she’s got too far to fall). And she’s a rather rough and tumble little girl, so I’m not surprised there are bruises on her body. I explained this to the county worker. I hope my explanations were good enough. I felt like I should have an exact date and time for every possible scratch, bump, and bruise on every foster child’s body. But, that’s just not possible. Still, I would feel better if I had a more concrete answer about these bruises. I honestly didn’t notice them. I don’t inspect every square inch of the child’s body when I bathe her, so it’s possible for small bruises to go unnoticed. It’s still unnerving. We’ll see what becomes of this. I know who made the accusations and I know they are like the boy who cried wolf. One too many times accusations were made against anyone this person gets angry with, so it’s hard to really know what is true and what is fabricated. I suppose for CYS, it is also what can be proven. I don’t know if they will have their visits this week, maybe that is still being decided. What’s crazy is that the case worker reported to me last Wednesday that the visits had been better that week than in the past. It’s a shame that this has happened, but I know the bio mom had a lot to do with the monster that has been created. I pray for wisdom for all involved.