So, last night it felt like the dust settled enough for Primero
and I to talk. I started by apologizing for pressuring him to call me something
he’s not comfortable with and explained how I was ok with Ash when it seemed
like that name would be temporary, but when I realized it would be what he calls
me forever I wasn’t ok with it. I apologized for never telling him this before.
I floated an idea his therapist mentioned, about coming up with a compromise
name but he refused. He said that it would be “too weird” to give me a name
that’s not Ash or Mom, so he will have to call me by my full name. He
reiterated how his aunt was “like” a mom to him and he never called her mom
(although, I hazard to guess he might have when he was young, since he was with
her for so long). So, it’s an unresolved issue and we just let it drop to talk
about the other issue.
I let Primero know that I spoke with his
therapist yesterday afternoon and that she helped me to see that perhaps he
will never be able to have a true mother/son relationship with me as I see it –
something resembling the solidified warm, close and loving relationship I have
with my own mother. I asked him, if he decides he doesn’t want to be adopted,
what were his plans. Well, he pretty much thought I could take Permanent Legal
Custody of him, so his situation really wouldn’t change. I asked him how this
would be different from adoption. Basically, he still has an issue in seeing
how this would all play out in his future. He said he feels like he’s missing
so much of his biological family’s experiences, like his sister’s birthday
party this past weekend (which he wasn’t really invited to attend….. and none
of his other siblings were there either, as far as I know). I asked how not
being adopted would make that any different. He wouldn’t be living with any of
his siblings, so how would the adoption cause him to “miss” things where PCL
wouldn’t? Then he said with PLC he could be his own person when he turned 18,
that he wouldn’t be mine anymore like he would with adoption. So, I asked him
if that meant he would just leave when he is 18 and he kind of indicated that
he would (keep in mind, he will most likely not graduate from high school until
he’s 19). I said that I wouldn’t want that and frankly it’s not fair to me for
him to spend 4 years with me and then disappear with maybe a text or note on
Facebook every now and then. On the other hand, he said he could see both me
and his bio mom in his future. I tried to explain that the ideal he has in his
mind for his relationship with his mom might never come to fruition, that she
might not be able to be what he wants her to be even in the future. I did not
tell him what his case worker mentioned yesterday, that his bio mom was kicked
out of housing and tested positive for drugs. I just couldn’t be the bearer of
that bad news. Primero mentioned how he didn’t want to always have to worry
about where he would spend the holidays, with his biological family or with
mine. I said we made it work over Thanksgiving and Christmas and while it might
not be exactly what he wants it still worked out for him to be with both
families. I equated it to marriage – you have to spend time with your
significant other’s family and yours, so it’s a balancing act. I tried to
impress upon him that I am not taking anyone or anything away from him by
wanting to adopt him. I’m trying to add to the loved ones he already has.
So, I don’t know what more to do or to say. Is it
wrong that I feel like PLC is him just using me for love, comfort and things
until he’s 18? He doesn’t seem to feel any emotional responsibility or want any
expectations placed on him, so it’s not really a relationship it’s me chasing
him. At least, this is how I see it but I might not be able to see the forest
for the trees. I told him I really didn’t know how I would answer the question
about PLC and not adoption, that I really need to think about it and search my
heart. In reality, I would hate to see him go. And I told him that and he
reiterated that he doesn’t want to go anywhere. And that’s how we left this
messy, complicated issue.
One side note thing that was tossed into the
ring of messiness that is our lives right now – Primero’s girlfriend is most
likely pregnant. Let me explain. Right when Primero and the girlfriend got
together she found out she was pregnant with her previous boyfriend’s baby. I
expressed how I didn’t really want Primero dating this girl, since she had a
lot going on and not making wise choices since this was her second “accidental”
pregnancy with her previous boyfriend. Well, about 2 months after that Priemro
told me his girlfriend had a miscarriage and so the issue was dropped. Last
week she felt like her stomach had grown and was worried she was still pregnant
although she was still getting her period and not feeling any movement (what on
earth to they teach these kids in sex-ed???). Keep in mind, this girl has not
told her parents she is sexually active nor has she told them she is dating Primero.
She has a doctor’s appointment today, but took a pregnancy test a day ago and
it was positive. Primero thought she could get a positive test if she was just
sexually excited (which, apparently she is because she asked Primero when and
how he’d like to lose his virginity – presumably with her……). I explained that
the pregnancy test is not just detecting hormones but specific hormones that only
a pregnant woman would have. Where do these kids get these crazy ideas? So,
anyway his girlfriend is dealing with a lot and coming to him for comfort while
he too is dealing with a lot and my head is spinning. Primero doesn’t want to
break up with his girlfriend and believes their relationship can resume after
the baby is born and adopted by the girlfriend’s aunt (apparently that is the
plan but no one in this girls family knows she’s pregnant). He said, they have
been together for 6 months now and he doesn’t want to give up because that’s
his longest relationship with a girl. It’s strange how he can’t correlate his
own mother giving permission for him to be adopted as the same action (and thus
emotions) his girlfriend will be going through if she gives her baby to her
aunt to be adopted…….
I know I’ve
commented about the girlfriend before, in relation to abortion and her
irresponsibility in getting pregnant twice “accidentally.” I want to stay out
of this situation, but there is one thing that is bugging me. The baby daddy
(oh how I hate that term!) knew of the pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. He
was saddened by the idea of abortion, although in no position to assume the
role of fatherhood. Now, he is apparently moving to Puerto Rico (according to
Primero) and is not aware of the latest development regarding his potential
child. If he is listed at the father on the birth certificate he would have to
give consent and relinquish his rights for the baby to be adopted by the girl’s
aunt. But, if the girlfriend decides not to notify him of the birth or list him
on the birth certificate this young man will be a father and never know about
it. I personally hope someone who knows them both will open their mouths and
tell him. What infuriates me is how little attention is given to the fathers in
these situations. I know it is the girl’s body, I get that, but this baby is as
much his as it is hers. Right now there is a pandemic of fatherless children
because men can hit it and quit it and never even know they procreated. It’s
the same for my sweet Love Bug – his paternity isn’t even known at this point.
In the name of feminism, women totally sideline the men who father children but
never parent them. And, in cases like this one with Primero’s girlfriend, the
father isn’t even given an option to be involved or not. It’s pathetic, it’s
disgusting, and all these fatherless children are the ones to suffer. Is it any
wonder there are so many children damaged by trauma in the foster care system?
Ok, I’ll get off my soapbox now……
In an attempt to
reach Primero, I sent a text message to his older sister. She responded by
asking to see him. I didn’t coach her as to what she should say, I did mention
that Primero is having trouble right now and is rejecting the adoption. I
simply asked her to talk to him before he makes some irreparable decision that
could truly hurt him and his future. She said she is for the adoption, she
wants him to be adopted by me and she wanted to tell him that in person. She
must have reached out to their older brother (not Hermano) because he text me
and asked if he could spend some time with Primero this afternoon. I agreed and
thanked him for offering to speak to Primero. I said I thought Primero would do
better hearing from his siblings that they support him, they love him and will
always be there for him but that they also want to see him make a wise decision
for his future. His case worker did tell him that bio mom is using again. He
asked if the positive drug test could be from her medications, but she tested
positive for an illegal substance, so that’s not possible. I hope his siblings
can reach him, I hope that in talking to them he can understand himself and what
he truly wants to do right now. And I hope that I can stick this out and
support whatever decision he makes. I want to be able to accept him as a PLC,
but I just don’t know if I can at this
point. It’s truly painful to think that he would want nothing to do with me
once there is no longer a legal obligation. I pray he can see reality and that
he can see how good he has it (not to toot my own horn, but come on!). I am
always here for him, I will always be here for him. I just hope he can believe
that and accept that offer fully.
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