It is Wednesday and I still know nothing. It makes me so
angry that the county case worker is treating me this way, but I’m not
surprised. I do not live with the delusion that CYS is anything but a bloated,
power-hungry bureaucracy incapable of human emotion. How else can you explain
this whole f-ing mess? My case worker told me yesterday the county worker
promised to look at her schedule to get a meeting set-up. Just a gutless ruse
to put us off, is what it really is. I believe I deserve a face-to-face meeting
about this new development, but I don’t think she’s got the cojones to look me
in the eyes and tell me what she wrote in the email to my CHOR case worker. Way
to be a decent human being! Excuse my sarcasm, I’m just so angry and worried
and stressed and sad and on-edge – I’m a big fat mess!
In light of the uncertainty swirling around our lives right
now, I’ve been consciously trying to soak up as much of our life together as I
can. I hug longer and tighter and more often – squeezing the tears back as I
think “this could be the last.” It’s a horrible way to live. Not the
staying-in-the-moment part but the this-could-be-the-end part. I feel almost
like I am dying, like I’ve been given a short time to live before some disease
takes the rest of my life from me. I kiss those sweet cheeks and think some
other lips might be pressing into them. I catch my breath when I see their
radiant smiles, trying to burn the memory into my brain so it doesn’t fade like
all the other beautiful smiles I have loved. I try to prepare myself for the
crushing pain, the deep and visceral agony I will feel at their loss. Yet I
know, there is nothing I can do to prepare myself. No matter what, the pain
swallows me whole and the loss overwhelms me in the total systematic shut-down.
Right now I hold it all in but inside I’m screaming long, loud guttural screams
that bubble out in hot, angry tears. I’m holding it together. For now. But, the
stress of it all is taking its toll. I am not sleeping very well; even worse
than I usually sleep, if you can believe that. And I’m beginning to get daily
headaches, a sure sign that my stress load is just too high. I’ve also started
having a new symptom. My teeth have begun randomly hurting, not like a lock jaw
issue, but all of my teeth with just begin throbbing. I might be grinding or
clenching my teeth in my sleep – those few hours I manage to get. It wouldn’t surprise
me, honestly.
I would like to have some answers because at least then I
can stop dreading the unknown. I would like to have this meeting so everything
can be brought to light, rather than feel like everything is a back-room deal
and the wool is being pulled over my eyes. I want to understand, but I don’t
hold out hope that I actually will understand this madness. Still, the decent
thing to do, in my humble opinion, is be honest to look me in the eyes and tell
me what’s what. Hiding behind email is not professional. Regardless, she needs
to see me in court in a few weeks and if she thinks I won’t come in with all
the questions I have now and then some, she is dead wrong. As much as I am
permitted, I am going to vocalize my dissent and demand someone explain this to
me. And I’m going to have to do something to keep the bad blood I feel with
Grandma from falling out of my mouth….
❤❤❤❤❤
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