Our adoption case worker was over at the house on Saturday.
She doesn’t usually come over on a weekend, but she is leaving this week on a
medical sabbatical until the beginning of December. She had to come out and
that was the only time that worked with both of our schedules. She explained to
me that she had called and spoken with the county case worker to get a clearer
picture where things are at for both the kids adoptions. The adoption case
worker’s proposed plan, which she said the county case worker liked but would
have to clear with her supervisor, was to finish up with the finalization for
Love Bug asap (so maybe December) but keep it hush-hush. Then, when it comes
time for Chica Marie’s adoption, to make it a big celebration of the adoption
of both of the kids. This is my list of the pro’s and con’s on this whole
scenario.
Pro’s:
- Obviously, getting Love Bug adopted the sooner the better is not something I disagree with, so this sits in the pro column. There’s really no reason to hold him up, the county has done that long enough and it makes me less fearful knowing it’s a done deal.
- Not worrying about Love Bug’s adoption means less paperwork and less distraction from Chica Marie.
- Perhaps, at some future date in a different plane of existence, the children can be celebrated individually becoming part of the family (ok, so this is a sarcastic pro).
- Maybe Chica Marie would like having her own adoption date, one that is different than Love Bug’s.
- Love Bug is oblivious to what is going on, so the difference is lost on him.
Con’s:
- Never did I consider adopting one sibling without the other and this concept breaks my heart into a million pieces.
- They are asking me to lie to my child, something I am loathe to do. Lying to Chica Marie is not going to help our relationship.
- In one of a multitude of what-if scenarios, I worry about being at the doctor’s office with both kids (say, they are both sick at the same time, a totally plausible possibility) and there are questions about Love Bug’s name change due to his adoption. His insurance will have to change, so it’s totally possible there might be questions and Chica Marie is wicked smart and incredibly observant. She will ask questions and then I am forced to lie again or reveal the painful truth.
- Let’s say the above scenario never happens, we live happily ever after until both kids are grown or near grown. Now Chica Marie finds documents of Love Bug’s adoption, that happened before hers and without her knowledge. Doesn’t that sound perfectly awful?
- The whole miss-matched adoption could cause strife between the two kids, if it were to come out as mentioned above.
- There is the possibility of losing the adoption subsidy if the children are adopted separately because they qualify as a sibling group and I’m not sure if they would qualify alone. It’s a reality that we need those subsidies to help us financially and the loss would definitely be felt negatively.
I can't see how you would get away with lying to her, especially since her sister & grandmother seem hell bent on sabotage.
ReplyDeleteWhat if you told her about the adoption but lied about the reasons? Love Bug came to you at a different time so couldn't that be an explaination for him getting adopted sooner?
Do you have a pro/con list for telling her? I'm assuming you feel this news would induce bad behavior from her but....so does the wrong color socks or any one of the other million reasons she gets pissed off every day. I guess my point is that you're already living with the nightmare of her behavior so why not tell her now, early in your fight to help her, rather than spending these years working with her & then having this news come up later & dealing with the regression?
Love Bug is a victim of his sister. He has & will spend his life with her rage & chaos dominating everything. He deserves whatever shred of normalcy that you can give him. I'm so sorry that this impossible delima is overshadowing the comfort & peace you should be feeling.
You're an awesome mom & you're doing a good job. Please don't let your challenges with Chica Marie make you feel different. Her struggles are because of her bio mom, not you. I hate that you have to live with the guilt from picking up the pieces of her shitty life choices.
I really think you should tell them. Tell them adoption days are like birthdays. They don't have the same birthday, why should they have the same adoption day? Celebrate each kid separately, give them each their own adoption day and their own celebration. And do whatever you can to get Chica Marie adopted ASAP (I know most of that is out of your control).
ReplyDeleteDon't lie. That'll come back to bite you!
You are both absolutely right. My major struggle with adopting the children separately is the sense that 1) I'm lying because we're keeping Love Bug's adoption a secret and 2) I worry about the damage it would do to Chica Marie if she sensed the issues surrounding the adoption, which is only enhanced by the sneaking around and lying. So, telling her and walking out the consequences while the behaviors are already flying high, might help in the long run. I don't want to minimize Love Bugs adoption, it's been a long time coming and should be celebrated. Love Bug deserves that. I just need to help Chica Marie feel secure while doing this, so more damage isn't done to her already fragile psyche. Thank you both so much for your comments, they have really helped clarify things for me!
ReplyDelete