Control Your Reactions

“You cannot control what other people do, but you can control your reactions to them.”  This pretty much sums up how things have been going between me and the little ones grandmother. I really, naively, thought an honest conversation would clear the air. I, perhaps stupidly, thought we had a different kind of relationship than I’ve recently discovered we do. I thought we were getting somewhere, the summer sibling picnic, the frank conversation I had with her after the August meeting, our ability to contact one another for visits without county/foster agency staff involvement. Sadly, I was wrong. We have next to nothing. Certainly, she doesn’t have the same respect for me that I had for her.

 

I had been planning on calling her sometime last week, but I got sick and lost my voice and didn’t think croaking in her ear would be the best way to converse. Earlier this week, she text me, asking to set up a visit. We agreed on this coming weekend. She wanted an overnight visit and I said, due to the behaviors Chica Marie has been having ever since her sister spilled the beans, I felt it was best to keep the visit to one day only, to give her time to recuperate for school. Grandma expressed she was unaware. The next day she text me back stating she spoke with Mini Momma and confirmed that Mini Momma had shared something with Chica Marie but that it was something she didn’t know for sure. Besides, the county case worker suggested they broach the subject with Mini Momma, assuming things went in that direction. She said Mini Momma was sorry that Chica Marie was upset. Um? She also said Mini Momma had plans for this coming weekend and could we do the 28^th instead?   

 

At this point I decided to just jump in. Why keep dancing around the issue? So I said I was sorry the county case worker had gotten the wrong impression but my dedication to Chica Marie had never wavered. I expressed how I had wished we could have talked about things before they got to that point. The only thing I was asking for was help. For Chica Marie. I let her know we have plans for the 28^th.  Her next response was when I started getting angry. She said she didn’t want to talk about things because she thought it was something between me and the county – we needed to work it out. She mentioned they were in the background as support (Support for who? Not for us…) and she felt her wife’s credentials would be beneficial for her grandchild. Why would she send her grandchild to a strange place with strangers? She asked for dates we were available and ended the text stating “so we can get the kids together, it 100% about them right?” with a smiley face. And you wonder why I wanted to TALK?! My response was that I was following the recommendations of the professionals and that I didn’t want Chica Marie going anywhere either. I gave her some dates, she chose one and we agreed upon it, thus ending our correspondence.   

 

The entire exchange left me feeling so angry, so unheard, so belittled. I will continue working with Grandma because I have to, because it’s what the county wants. And, because I know how important biological connection is for adopted children, I will continue working with Grandma even beyond adoption. But, we don’t need to be friends. I would like that, it’s what I was hoping for ultimately, but this whole thing has been so damaging. I don’t want to send the kids off to see her. I don’t want to invite her into our lives. She doesn’t want to try to understand me, so I don’t feel I need to try to understand her. I’ve gone through some hard things with Primero’s birth family. And, because of it, I felt a shift in how I interact with them. I don’t try as hard anymore. I don’t feel the need. We are still amicable, but we wouldn’t ever spend time together without Primero being present. It’s sad, but I don’t know how to keep the door open, keep getting hurt, and keep coming back for more. I feel like that’s the route I’ll be taking with Grandma. I had had high hopes things with her would be easier, different, more genuine. But, all that has happened recently has proven me wrong. The relationship will be there for the children, always. But, I’ll be taking an outsider stance.