Mothering Day

Friday night Primero and I went to see a movie. He’s been asking to see this movie for some time now and we were able to get respite for the little one’s so we went. I thought the movie was awful, but he seemed to like it (it was called Unfriended). Saturday Primero had a special Mother’s Day presentation for his after school program, so I attended that after running some children free errands. During the performances by the many groups (drumming, tapping, singing, dancing, and a skit) they played a video in which a man pretends to give a job interview, but the requirements are outrageous – no sleep, no breaks, working 24/7 365, always being on-call – and the people he interviews are confused and frustrated by the demands. Then, just as he’s about to lose them, he says, “What would you say if I told you there is someone currently in this position? In fact, there are billions of women holding this position right now?” And it dawns on the interviewee that the man is talking about moms. And so he gives them time to thank their moms and some people cry. The whole thing makes me cry. Primero happened to be sitting with me when the video was showing and he hugged me with his head on my shoulder, which was sweet.

Primero’s girlfriend’s mother was there because the girl’s brother was in many of the same shows as Primero. I noticed her, but didn’t speak to her since I was sitting on the other side of the room. After the program was over, I stood in the back waiting for Primero to gather his things and say good-bye. The girlfriend’s mother approached me and asked if she could speak to me. I thought perhaps she wanted to apologize for being rude at the hospital. Er, no. She started off by saying that when they found out their daughter was pregnant and dating a boy who is not the father, they asked how his mother felt about it. I never hid my feelings from Primero, but he put no stock in my opinion on the matter. The woman then explained they want nothing from Primero, that the baby has a daddy and no one expects Primero to be the daddy. She said they appreciated the clothing for the baby, but that the baby will be taken care of and no one needs anything from Primero. Um, ok. The clothing was a gift, not assumed responsibility. She then dropped the bomb – “I didn’t like how you talked to my daughter in the hospital. You waited for me to leave, you could have said all that when I was there. She is still so shaken up by it.” Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah!!! Hold the damn phone! First, of all I didn’t wait until she was gone. The girlfriend asked the question and I answered truthfully. I didn’t say what I really wanted to say which is, “I think you are being selfish in continuing to date Primero. If you truly cared about him, you would let him go, let him get on with his life and not drag him into your mess.” But, that’s not what I said. All I said was that she didn’t want to open that can of worms (because my feeling uncomfortable had more to do with just her and Primero still dating now that the baby is here – but, I don’t think she needs to hear all that) and that she could understand how this (Primero being involved with a teen mom) is not what I had imagined for him. I apologized for speaking without the mom being present and for upsetting the girl, but I’m not sorry. I stand by what I said. And I’m even more convinced that this is just the world’s most terrible idea. The mom is just plain rude with a capital R. In addition to apologizing for upsetting her daughter, I said I was trying to raise my son to do the right thing. I said I disagree that he’s “nothing” to the baby if he is dating her mom. He needs to respect that the girl he is dating has a child and that mother and baby are a package deal. I said I’m a single mother and I wouldn’t want any man I’m dating to treat me and my children as if the children were “nothing.” After I said that, she basically just walked away from the conversation. By that time the brother and Primero had wandered over to see what we were talking about, so I suppose she didn’t want to keep talking in front of them.  I was so angry and so frustrated by the whole encounter I wanted to scream! I wish I could lock Primero in his bedroom until he’s 18 (maybe 21, just for good measure) just to keep him away from the girlfriend and her rude mother!

After the craziness on Saturday (I got a pedicure after the program and then picked up the little ones from their respite home) it was the dreaded day on Sunday. Babies were dedicated at church (crying), the message was about mothers and women who are “mothering” having great responsibility for influencing their children and families (crying), and then refusing flowers as we hastily left the building (don’t recognize me!). As a gift, Primero got me a Facebook post. I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I got a Facebook post. Nothing tangible. Not only that, but he belittled his bio mom in the post (saying I did more for him in a year than she did in 12) which made me feel bad, not good. I guess I was just spoiled by last year’s beautiful, thoughtful gift that he drew for me. I wish he had done the same thing this year, rather than publically posting something. I know that he’s angry with his mom right now, angry that she’s back in jail and using again, but I don’t think he should say such things where everyone (including his family) can see it. Plus, his feelings about his mom will change again when she is out of jail and doing better. Not only that, but who wants to be compared to someone else all their life? I just wish he could see us as equal mom with different personal strengths. I don’t know. I think the whole damn day was a wash and I’m glad it’s over.

I'm Not Real

I managed to hold it together until we were leaving, walking back down the same halls I traversed last year to pick up Love Bug. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. All of it, every last pebble slammed into my mind at once and  I was undone. I took deep breaths, trying to keep myself calm, but the hot tears strained against my lashes until they could no longer be contained. I blinked to wash them away, but still the tears came, faster and faster. The harder I tried to hold them back the more the pain in my chest grew until I was nearly gasping for air under the weight of it all. Thankfully, we reached the elevator and I could slump against the railing as we glided to the ground floor. The weight lifted as we exited the hospital and I could finally breathe regularly in the car after a few more deep breaths to soothe my crumpled emotions. I was so glad it was over.

Primero and I went to visit his girlfriend and her new baby in the hospital. It was as awkward and difficult as I imagined it would be. We found her with little issue and were buzzed onto the floor. Primero walked into her room well ahead of me and when I was finally behind the curtain I saw his girlfriend in the bed, her brother and mother on the couch with her mother holding the baby. Her mother did not smile. She grunted hello and returned her focus on the baby. She did not ask who I was, she did not glance at the gift we had brought, nothing. A few minutes after we arrived, she put the baby in the plastic bassinet and took the brother to get food. At that point the girlfriend mentioned how uncomfortable Primero and especially I seemed. I said I was uncomfortable. She asked why and I had to bite my tongue nearly clear off to keep from being rude. I said, “I don’t think you really want to open that can of worms. This isn’t really what I had in mind for Primero, I’m sure you can understand that.” And then I stopped talking for fear I would get verbal diarrhea and not be able to stop. So, I stood and stayed quiet. I text Primero to ask her to open the gifts, so we could see if she liked them. As we were getting ready to leave her mom and brother came back and she asked her mom to look at the gifts too. And then it was time for us to go get the little ones. As we were leaving and thanking them for letting us visit I told the girlfriend’s mom my name and who I was (Primero’s mom) and her only response was, “oh.” She never introduced herself to me or said anything to Primero.

The TV was on the whole time we were there with innumerable mother’s day commercials flaunting the lauded title of mom as if rubbing salt in my wounds. I haven’t felt this way a in long time. And it’s strange because last year Mother’s Day was so beautiful for me. But, so much has changed. And even with the precious gift of baby Love Bug, the feeling of not being authentically a mom reigns supreme. Maybe it’s just the whole baby thing with the girlfriend that has me quivering in my boots. Maybe it’s still the fear that what I have won’t stay. Maybe I’m just forever as broken as my reproductive system and I will forever spend this time of year trying to hide my shame. I don’t know. I can’t wait for this weekend to be over.

 

Although I’m sometimes called “mommy” in reality I’m a fraud

I pine and ache to achieve that title, the title of such laud

I wash the dishes, give boo-boo’s kisses

I comb their hair, play truth or dare

I cook them meals, shush angry squeals

I sing silly songs, teach right from wrong

I soothe bad dreams, rub bites with cream

And still I am not quite “real”

I’m flesh and blood with heart and soul

You can prick me and I bleed

But try as I might, I always find I’m not really real

I’m “like” a mom, but not quite there, I’m not the genuine deal

I’m not authentic, I’m a stand-in, a stunt double, a poser if you will

Someday I hope with all my might to truly be a mother

Until that day, that time in space, I guess I’ll just be “other”

For what else can I be?

Taking Me to the Brink

Life just isn’t easy. And being a grown-up isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. So often you have to do things you just don’t want to do – you have to do hard things because it’s the right thing to do. This is a really, really hard thing for me to do. I don’t want to do it, but I have to put what I want aside. Primero is determined to keep dating his girlfriend. So we had a very long discussion both via text messages and in person in front of his case worker and alone. He’s going to be involved with this girl and her daughter. And, since he’s making this step, I’m trying to get him to understand how it will impact his life and those around him. I said, if he’s going to be a father figure to the baby, that makes me a grandma and Love Bug and Chica Marie an uncle and aunt. I said he will need to tell his family (which he is reluctant to do) and my family eventually. I told him I don’t like the choice he has made, but I will love him and respect him enough to be supportive. I suppose this is how my parents felt when I married Flaco. The only difference being I was actually an adult, not a teenage child. I know that God promises not to give us more than we can handle, but I wish He wouldn’t keep taking me to the brink like this! This is just so hard! I don’t condone teenage parenting because it is so hard and creates such a difficult situation for the teen parent and the baby. Plus, it alters the life of the teen irrevocably. I’m not being drastic and saying it “ruins’ their life because they can certainly make better choices that result in more positive outcomes, but it’s an added burden to achieving their goals. And it will require a lot of support. Unfortunately, in addition to my stance on teen parents, seeing an irresponsible teenager so easily giving birth (she even claimed the birth was simple and painless) drums up the “this isn’t fair” demon inside of me. And the green-eyed monster of jealousy too. I cried myself to sleep last night from the stress of it all.

Primero and I are going to visit the girlfriend and baby after work today. I said it was a good way for me and the girlfriend to get to know one another. I bought her a rose, a scented candle and new baby card and a few cute little frilly outfits for the baby (ok, so I spent $60  because I just love little baby girl clothing!!). I’m dreading the visit. I’m hoping I can remain gracious and calm and not blurt out how I really feel about her and this whole situation. I still believe she should let him go, she should “man up” and free Primero from the relationship so he can continue on uninhibited. I must be sure not to say this at the hospital visit. Thankfully we won’t have a lot of time because I need to pick up the little ones from their visit and Primero needs to get back to his after school program. I think he is excited to visit her in the hospital because he picked out a special outfit and did his hair a specific way, trying to look his best. Dear Lord give me strength to do this!

So, our case worker was over yesterday evening. She spent a significant time with us and talked a great deal to Primero about this whole baby mess. But, she also mentioned a change in respite care that has me upset. She said there is a new CEO for CHOR who is also the CEO for CHOY and he/she wants to run things the same as in the other county. This means that for respite homes that have the maximum capacity (6 kids for some, 3 for me) even if they have kids going on weekend family visits, they can’t provide respite care on the off chance that there’s an emergency and the children would need to return early. This means there are a lot less available respite homes at CHOR and so the case workers have been tasked with telling the foster families to ask family and friends to get their clearances to help them out. This is terrible! I heavily rely on respite care because I am a single parent. I have friends that would be willing to baby-sit but I don’t know how many would be willing to get their clearances to do so. I do have one friend who has her clearances, so I will ask her to give me copies and see if that works, but I just find this to be an unnecessary hardship. Just Tuesday night at the foster parent dinner they professed the need for “good” foster homes and now they make it harder for the current foster parents – at least in my opinion it is harder. I will ask around and see if I have any willing friends or family, but even if there are such selfless people it will take time for the paperwork to be processed. I did try asking my parents in the past, but they were unwilling to go through the intrusion. I hope this new rule doesn’t stay for long and I hope other foster families are just as outraged as I am about the inconvenience.   

We are All In

Primero’s girlfriend had her baby today. She called him at 4 something this morning (luckily I make him leave his cell phone in the living room) to tell him this. They were texting on the way into school/work and she said she had an epidural and was waiting to dilate more before the real action begins. So our conversation this morning was about how this is becoming real and why he thinks he should still be in a relationship with this girl. I tried to be rational, but that never works with a teenager. I asked him what it was about this girl that made him want to stay with her and his only response was that she’s been his longest relationship so that must mean something. I told him I felt like his girlfriend was being selfish and that if she truly cared about him she would let him go. And, I told him I would tell her that if I ever had the chance to talk to her. I asked him if he wanted to see her in the hospital and he said only if she asked him to come visit. I forbade him from going with any of his friends, but said I would take him if he truly wanted to go (he insists he wouldn’t, but I worry about him signing the birth certificate as the baby daddy). I ask him if he would like to get her anything. He said he didn’t know. I cannot tell you how hard this is, how hard it is to be calm and rational when all I want to do is scream. Scream that he’s stupid for sticking with her when this isn’t even his child, when he has enough of his own problems to worry about (like graduating school). Scream because she’s some stupid irresponsible 16 year old having a baby when I was a responsible adult and couldn’t. Scream that her parents seem to be ok with everything and her mother will baby-sit so she can get a summer job (damn! If only I had it so easy!). I can’t talk Primero out of this relationship; I can’t make him see how ridiculous it is for him to continue dating this girl. So, if he won’t break up with her, he needs to understand how his role must change as her role has changed. His girlfriend says he’s nothing to the baby, but I think that’s bull; it’s sad and pathetic and her daughter deserves better than that. They are a package deal now, her and her daughter. So, if he’s dating the mother and he’s serious about her, then he is going to be in the role of step-parent to this child. I despise that he won’t back off and date someone else, but since he won’t, I will see to it that he treats this child right and not like a easily forgotten inconvenience. I take child-rearing very seriously and I don’t think they should be left off the hook just because they are still children themselves. If they think they are grown enough to make these decisions, then they are grown enough to deal with the consequences. We will be buying the girlfriend a mother’s day present and we will get a gift for the baby. If he’s in, we are all in, meaning I’m going to treat this child as if she were my granddaughter. I told him if he’s this serious, then it’s time I get to know this girl better and I want to meet her parents too. I cannot express how much all of this is breaking my heart. I found myself sobbing in the bathroom at work today. It’s just so hard.   

Yesterday afternoon I was supposed to sell my car to the nephew of the man who sold me the minivan. I waited for them at the notary and they never showed. I called and the guy changed his mind, apparently. So now my old car is sitting at a garage with no license plate and I have to figure out how to get it to the farm legally without having it towed. I can’t tell you how angry I am about the whole situation. When will I understand that just because I treat people well does not mean they will reciprocate? I mean, the guy talked me into letting my car sit at some other man’s garage and then text and called me stating his nephew would take it. Then, less than 24 hours later, he was rudely telling me that the car was better suited for someone “without basic transportation.” What the hell does that mean? This car was my basic transportation and I never tried to cover up the fact that it was in a sad state. He lied to me about how many miles the van had on it, but I never lied about my car. I wish I could believe that what goes around comes around, but it gives me no satisfaction to believe he will get his while I still have to deal with this mess.

In addition to all of the above, my grandfather is in the hospital. He was admitted on Sunday after struggling with the stomach flu that everyone on the farm had. I don’t really know why he was admitted but he had some heart procedure done and no one really knows what is going on……  It has been a very stressful week!!!

Last night was the Foster Parent Appreciation dinner. I don’t know why, but this year seemed rather lackluster. There were few families in attendance and unlike previous years, there was little fanfare regarding our years serving as foster parents (in the past they would do things like list how many children families had cared for or mention some the strengths the foster parents had that the case workers appreciated). Still, it was nice to not have to cook and to spend some time socializing with other foster parents. During the buffet dinner, I was approached by the foster care case worker supervisor. She wanted to know if my family worker had called me earlier that day. I said she had not. The supervisor went on to explain that she wanted me to be on the local TV station for a brief program regarding foster parents working successfully with bio families. I asked if she thought I worked successfully with bio families and she said she thought I did very well with the little one’s bio mom, given how difficult she was and is. She also indicated that I’ve made a lot of efforts with Primero’s bio mom and family. Ok, if you say so. I agreed to do the presentation and am awaiting the confirmation of the date, time and potential questions that might be asked during the segment. I don’t think of myself as a champion of successful bio family interaction, but I hope I can offer some insight to potential families considering foster parenting (at least, I think this is the target audience).

Many moons ago I posted about a co-worker friend who had made a rather rude comment to me while I was in the throes of infertility. (See that previous post here) She basically implied that I wasn’t godly enough or God was displeased with me for some reason and that is why I wasn’t getting pregnant. I saw this friend at a birthday party a few weeks ago. We were sitting around and talking with some other previous co-workers who had moved on to different jobs. One of the women there has a son but dealt with horrendous endometriosis and several surgeries to have him. She recently contacted me to learn more about adoption. Another woman has three teenage sons and adopted a little girl a few years ago – she was the one to introduce me to CHOR and to foster-adoption. The friend hosting the birthday party celebrating her son’s first birthday also had difficulties getting pregnant the first time and then accidentally got pregnant with her son. So, naturally the conversation about children came up and the former rude commenter was asked when she and her husband were going to start a family. She revealed that they were trying and she was getting anxious because it wasn’t happening. She didn’t mention how long they had been trying, but quickly added that it would happen in God’s timing and she shouldn’t be anxious about it. I’m sure her stance on godliness or being unable to conceive based on God’s displeasure has changed now that she finds herself in a similar situation. I didn’t speak during this conversation. I listened to the platitudes of the other former infertile women and kept quiet. What could I say? I’m going to be a mother, but not by some miracle pregnancy. The whole thing made me uncomfortable and so I distracted myself with the children. I certainly hope my friend is able to conceive, but there is a tiny part of me who thinks “it serves her right” to be worried about getting pregnant when she had little compassion for me in my journey through infertility.

Life is hard and certain times are harder than others. I feel like my life has been tumultuous for so long, I don’t remember what simplicity is like. Surely, things will calm down and some simplicity will return, but for the foreseeable future, things are going to be complicated. I seek to find the silver lining and grasp hold of the positive things. My mom is having her last chemo treatment next Thursday and she has planned a trip to St. Thomas with my father the end of this month. This is something wonderful to look forward to! My mom has asked as many of us who can, to be there for her last round of chemo. I’m planning Love Bug’s first birthday and this is certainly something to celebrate and will be a happy time to look forward to. Primero’s adoption could happen anytime now and this will certainly be a big event. So, there are bright spots sprinkled in amongst the thorny weeds of our lives!     

Inevitable Minivan

I suppose it was inevitable. Yesterday I purchased a minivan. Not only was my car squishy with the four of us and all our junk, but it was also on its last leg, despite all the work I put into last year. I saw a van for sale across the street from where I work and I jumped on it. It’s weird driving a van instead of a car. It’s weird thinking I’m “old” enough to drive a van. But, I can’t deny the convenience of the extra space and the peace of mind driving a more reliable car. When Chica Marie first got in the van after I picked her up at daycare, she asked who was going to sit in the back seat. I told her no one right now. She replied, “My sister can sit in the back seat.” I conceded that her sister could sit in the back seat, if she came to visit us. I think Chica Marie has some sense that things are difficult for her sister and so she interjects the sister into her own life quite a bit.

Often times I am delinquent in fetching the mail from the mailbox (it’s all bills anyway!) and so often times this task falls to Primero. Sunday, he brought Saturday’s mail inside and gave me an envelope marked with the name of a law firm. Curious, I opened it and inside found a court decree stating that Flaco and I were no longer married, due to irrevocable differences and a two year separation. So, it is officially over. A friend of mine kept asking me how I felt about it, seeming to indicate I should feel sad or upset in some way. In reality I felt nothing. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t upset or angry or anything. The emotional part has come and gone. I guess, if I must feel something, it would be relief. I am not tied to that man in any way, shape or form. And, I can change my name back to my maiden name and be done with his moniker and the constant reminder.

A few weeks ago a former foster child (Placement number 2) reconnected with me. She was the first child I had after the break-up and the first child I took care of all by myself. She was such a handful and after 4 months I had to ask for her to be removed. In talking to her now, it sounds like she went into a therapeutic hospital setting not long after she left me and was finally given some medication. She said the meds help her calm down a lot and she’s doing better. She’s still in foster care, waiting to see if she can move in with her biological father. In some ways she has matured quite a bit, but in other ways she’s very much the same. I’m glad she reconnected with me, so I can see how she’s doing and we’ve talked a few times through Facebook and phone calls.

I know I’ve complained about it a lot, but it’s something that really bugs me and I can’t seem to get it out of my system. Primero told me that his girlfriend was talking to her dad the other day and her dad mentioned that she would one day have to tell her daughter that her father is really not her biological father, but her step-father. Apparently, they took this to mean her father believes that they will be together for a long time and Primero viewed it as getting her father’s approval for their relationship. I don’t even know where to begin with all this mess. I responded by saying I didn’t think that’s what her father meant and that I thought he could do better. Mean, I know. But, please tell me what mother would want their teenage son dating a pregnant girl and then thinking he would be the baby’s step-father? I really, really, really, really hope that Primero does not begin to think of himself as this child’s father. He is too damn young to have that sort of responsibility. And, he has other things to worry about, like getting through high school and learning to drive. I wish they would break up. I wish she would just let him go and move on. He deserves to be carefree and not tied down to a young woman about to become a mother. Neither one of them seems to understand how different her life will be when she gives birth in a few weeks. I don’t know if Primero is still thinking about going to the hospital when she has the baby. He hasn’t said anything to me. Her due date is the end of this month, so the time to make these types of decisions is upon us. I wish I were a better person who could be more supportive, but I just don’t have that type of grace. I hate that Primero is more concerned about how her parents feel about them being together than how I think or feel about it. I don’t want to be combative or push them closer together by my brash desire to have them break-up, so mostly I just stew about this internally and pray to God Primero makes better choices for future mates.     

Sibling Instability

Saturday at Chica Marie’s PCIT therapy I discovered that the older sister is going to be moved again. The latest foster family just served their 30 days’ notice. Oddly enough, this news solidified my resolve to soldier on with Chica Marie’s behaviors. I know it’s hard, but giving up a child only makes their behaviors more engrained because now they have evidence that through their aggression, defiance, and general disobedience they can make a family go away. When the sister moves, she will be in her 6^th foster home in a little over a year (I think the girls came into care in April or May of last year – I don’t know for certain, but I do know it was before May because that is when I began having Chica Marie in respite). I wonder if sending the older sister to the grandmother might be back on the table at this point? If the visits are cancelled (no word on that yet), it would mean a lot less running back and forth. I don’t know. I feel bad for the girl. Every time she sees me she begs to come for a sleep-over. Right now, with how Chica Marie has been behaving, that would be a terrible idea. I hope I can meet the new foster family so I can invite them and the older sister to the baby’s birthday party. There’s never a dull moment around here!  

Stop Worrying

So, it’s been confirmed. Hermano ran away from his foster home after testing positive for drugs and he is now living on the streets of the city. It is so heartbreaking to realize the horrible decisions this child is making for his life. It’s terrifying to think he is doing drugs and getting himself into so many harmful and dangerous situations. I spoke with Primero about it, letting him know it was fine to talk to his brother, but I wanted him to be cautious to only do so in safe environments (like his after school program) and to be wary of the company his brother might be in if they visit. I expressed my concern about offering or giving his brother money and Primero promised that he would not and we both agreed that buying Hermano something to eat if he is hungry is totally fine. I just can’t stop worrying about this boy, throwing his life away and washing it down the gutters of the city. I wish I could do more or anything really, but I cannot. You cannot help someone who won’t help themselves.

In reality, I don’t need to add Hermano’s condition to my list of things to worry about. I have plenty of things piling up on that end. Primero is failing pretty much all his subjects in school. It doesn’t seem to matter if I tell him he won’t get a job without a high school diploma or that he will have to attend summer school if he doesn’t pull his grades up. His focus and attention is always on his after school program and I could kick myself for not following my instincts and by taking that privilege away from him when his first quarter grades were crappy. I know his after school program is a good program, so that is not the issue, it’s how this program (and the other kids who attend it) is the only thing Primero cares about. I don’t know how to motivate him to so his schoolwork or to really even try his hardest at what he does. We both agree that cyber school is not the best option for him, so this means finding another school for him again next year. I have one in mind, he just needs to pass 8^th grade in order to be enrolled in the school. I wish I could afford to hire a tutor to help him individually – maybe I will keep looking for that option.

Last night Primero and I attended a Mythbusters even called Jamie and Adam Unleashed. It was terrific and I enjoyed it immensely. Primero spent nearly the whole two hours talking to his “brother” about why he is spreading rumors that Primero is gay. This is a brother by one of the men who could be Primero’s father, so not a child that Primero lived with or knows very well. Anyway, at the intermission of the show, Primero declared that he “loves” his sexuality and that it is “everything.” And he tells me about how so many young people at school and at his after school program have come out as bisexual. I told him I think it’s a fad, it’s the “in” thing to do and really they are all just a bunch of horny teenagers. I love Primero no matter what gender he decides he likes, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say bisexuality and homosexuality make me feel uncomfortable. Primero is forever pointing out young men and their features that he finds attractive and it bothers me that he sees them as objects and not people or that he would consider “doing things” with a young man just because he is attractive, not because he has a great personality, is kind, etc. Primero still sees himself ultimately being with a woman and my worry is that he will have a troubled relationship if he isn’t able to satisfy the other half of himself that desires men. I guess that’s why bisexuality gives me the heebie-jeebies – how can you ever be satisfied in a relationship with one sex when you like them both? But, what really bugged me last night was that Primero couldn’t get his nose out of his damn phone to pay attention to the show. I honestly wish I had taken my dad and not Primero because my father would have LOVED the show as much as I did. And he certainly wouldn’t have spent the entire night on his phone, then whine when the battery died. Sometimes I want to chuck Primero’s phone into the deepest depth of the ocean!!

Let’s go back to the concept of half-siblings from the paternal side. The three children in my care right now all have multiple siblings identified through maternity. To my knowledge, all of the siblings (except possibly Primero and Hermano) have different fathers. It seems logical to expect, given the lack of involvement, that these men might have more than one baby momma and more than one (or two, or three) kid. At least Primero is able to identify most of his half-siblings through his paternal side (even if his true father is not identified). For Chica Marie, her bio mom knows who her father is and even has ways of contacting him and his family (from what I understand, most of his family lives in Puerto Rico). But, for poor little Love Bug it seems like paternity is an unanswered question. His grandmother told me she was told of the ethnicity of the baby daddy but she seemed to doubt the validity of his identity. It seems like his paternity is an unknown. So, here is my (perhaps irrational) fear. We live in a relatively small town, the same town where Love Bug (and the other two) was born. How will he know, in say 15-16 years, that his first girlfriend isn’t in reality his half-sister? Is this a weird thing to worry about or a legitimate problem to consider? And, if it is a legitimate issue, how do we get around it? I don’t plan on cutting their bio mom out of their life, but I can’t guarantee she will stay very involved (based on the little evidence I see from the older children who no longer live with her). Even if she is involved, must we vet every potential mate through her just to be sure there is no paternal relationship? Why did my mind start thinking of this, maybe I’m just crazy….