We are All In

Primero’s girlfriend had her baby today. She called him at 4 something this morning (luckily I make him leave his cell phone in the living room) to tell him this. They were texting on the way into school/work and she said she had an epidural and was waiting to dilate more before the real action begins. So our conversation this morning was about how this is becoming real and why he thinks he should still be in a relationship with this girl. I tried to be rational, but that never works with a teenager. I asked him what it was about this girl that made him want to stay with her and his only response was that she’s been his longest relationship so that must mean something. I told him I felt like his girlfriend was being selfish and that if she truly cared about him she would let him go. And, I told him I would tell her that if I ever had the chance to talk to her. I asked him if he wanted to see her in the hospital and he said only if she asked him to come visit. I forbade him from going with any of his friends, but said I would take him if he truly wanted to go (he insists he wouldn’t, but I worry about him signing the birth certificate as the baby daddy). I ask him if he would like to get her anything. He said he didn’t know. I cannot tell you how hard this is, how hard it is to be calm and rational when all I want to do is scream. Scream that he’s stupid for sticking with her when this isn’t even his child, when he has enough of his own problems to worry about (like graduating school). Scream because she’s some stupid irresponsible 16 year old having a baby when I was a responsible adult and couldn’t. Scream that her parents seem to be ok with everything and her mother will baby-sit so she can get a summer job (damn! If only I had it so easy!). I can’t talk Primero out of this relationship; I can’t make him see how ridiculous it is for him to continue dating this girl. So, if he won’t break up with her, he needs to understand how his role must change as her role has changed. His girlfriend says he’s nothing to the baby, but I think that’s bull; it’s sad and pathetic and her daughter deserves better than that. They are a package deal now, her and her daughter. So, if he’s dating the mother and he’s serious about her, then he is going to be in the role of step-parent to this child. I despise that he won’t back off and date someone else, but since he won’t, I will see to it that he treats this child right and not like a easily forgotten inconvenience. I take child-rearing very seriously and I don’t think they should be left off the hook just because they are still children themselves. If they think they are grown enough to make these decisions, then they are grown enough to deal with the consequences. We will be buying the girlfriend a mother’s day present and we will get a gift for the baby. If he’s in, we are all in, meaning I’m going to treat this child as if she were my granddaughter. I told him if he’s this serious, then it’s time I get to know this girl better and I want to meet her parents too. I cannot express how much all of this is breaking my heart. I found myself sobbing in the bathroom at work today. It’s just so hard.   

Yesterday afternoon I was supposed to sell my car to the nephew of the man who sold me the minivan. I waited for them at the notary and they never showed. I called and the guy changed his mind, apparently. So now my old car is sitting at a garage with no license plate and I have to figure out how to get it to the farm legally without having it towed. I can’t tell you how angry I am about the whole situation. When will I understand that just because I treat people well does not mean they will reciprocate? I mean, the guy talked me into letting my car sit at some other man’s garage and then text and called me stating his nephew would take it. Then, less than 24 hours later, he was rudely telling me that the car was better suited for someone “without basic transportation.” What the hell does that mean? This car was my basic transportation and I never tried to cover up the fact that it was in a sad state. He lied to me about how many miles the van had on it, but I never lied about my car. I wish I could believe that what goes around comes around, but it gives me no satisfaction to believe he will get his while I still have to deal with this mess.

In addition to all of the above, my grandfather is in the hospital. He was admitted on Sunday after struggling with the stomach flu that everyone on the farm had. I don’t really know why he was admitted but he had some heart procedure done and no one really knows what is going on……  It has been a very stressful week!!!

Last night was the Foster Parent Appreciation dinner. I don’t know why, but this year seemed rather lackluster. There were few families in attendance and unlike previous years, there was little fanfare regarding our years serving as foster parents (in the past they would do things like list how many children families had cared for or mention some the strengths the foster parents had that the case workers appreciated). Still, it was nice to not have to cook and to spend some time socializing with other foster parents. During the buffet dinner, I was approached by the foster care case worker supervisor. She wanted to know if my family worker had called me earlier that day. I said she had not. The supervisor went on to explain that she wanted me to be on the local TV station for a brief program regarding foster parents working successfully with bio families. I asked if she thought I worked successfully with bio families and she said she thought I did very well with the little one’s bio mom, given how difficult she was and is. She also indicated that I’ve made a lot of efforts with Primero’s bio mom and family. Ok, if you say so. I agreed to do the presentation and am awaiting the confirmation of the date, time and potential questions that might be asked during the segment. I don’t think of myself as a champion of successful bio family interaction, but I hope I can offer some insight to potential families considering foster parenting (at least, I think this is the target audience).

Many moons ago I posted about a co-worker friend who had made a rather rude comment to me while I was in the throes of infertility. (See that previous post here) She basically implied that I wasn’t godly enough or God was displeased with me for some reason and that is why I wasn’t getting pregnant. I saw this friend at a birthday party a few weeks ago. We were sitting around and talking with some other previous co-workers who had moved on to different jobs. One of the women there has a son but dealt with horrendous endometriosis and several surgeries to have him. She recently contacted me to learn more about adoption. Another woman has three teenage sons and adopted a little girl a few years ago – she was the one to introduce me to CHOR and to foster-adoption. The friend hosting the birthday party celebrating her son’s first birthday also had difficulties getting pregnant the first time and then accidentally got pregnant with her son. So, naturally the conversation about children came up and the former rude commenter was asked when she and her husband were going to start a family. She revealed that they were trying and she was getting anxious because it wasn’t happening. She didn’t mention how long they had been trying, but quickly added that it would happen in God’s timing and she shouldn’t be anxious about it. I’m sure her stance on godliness or being unable to conceive based on God’s displeasure has changed now that she finds herself in a similar situation. I didn’t speak during this conversation. I listened to the platitudes of the other former infertile women and kept quiet. What could I say? I’m going to be a mother, but not by some miracle pregnancy. The whole thing made me uncomfortable and so I distracted myself with the children. I certainly hope my friend is able to conceive, but there is a tiny part of me who thinks “it serves her right” to be worried about getting pregnant when she had little compassion for me in my journey through infertility.

Life is hard and certain times are harder than others. I feel like my life has been tumultuous for so long, I don’t remember what simplicity is like. Surely, things will calm down and some simplicity will return, but for the foreseeable future, things are going to be complicated. I seek to find the silver lining and grasp hold of the positive things. My mom is having her last chemo treatment next Thursday and she has planned a trip to St. Thomas with my father the end of this month. This is something wonderful to look forward to! My mom has asked as many of us who can, to be there for her last round of chemo. I’m planning Love Bug’s first birthday and this is certainly something to celebrate and will be a happy time to look forward to. Primero’s adoption could happen anytime now and this will certainly be a big event. So, there are bright spots sprinkled in amongst the thorny weeds of our lives!