Stop Worrying

So, it’s been confirmed. Hermano ran away from his foster home after testing positive for drugs and he is now living on the streets of the city. It is so heartbreaking to realize the horrible decisions this child is making for his life. It’s terrifying to think he is doing drugs and getting himself into so many harmful and dangerous situations. I spoke with Primero about it, letting him know it was fine to talk to his brother, but I wanted him to be cautious to only do so in safe environments (like his after school program) and to be wary of the company his brother might be in if they visit. I expressed my concern about offering or giving his brother money and Primero promised that he would not and we both agreed that buying Hermano something to eat if he is hungry is totally fine. I just can’t stop worrying about this boy, throwing his life away and washing it down the gutters of the city. I wish I could do more or anything really, but I cannot. You cannot help someone who won’t help themselves.

In reality, I don’t need to add Hermano’s condition to my list of things to worry about. I have plenty of things piling up on that end. Primero is failing pretty much all his subjects in school. It doesn’t seem to matter if I tell him he won’t get a job without a high school diploma or that he will have to attend summer school if he doesn’t pull his grades up. His focus and attention is always on his after school program and I could kick myself for not following my instincts and by taking that privilege away from him when his first quarter grades were crappy. I know his after school program is a good program, so that is not the issue, it’s how this program (and the other kids who attend it) is the only thing Primero cares about. I don’t know how to motivate him to so his schoolwork or to really even try his hardest at what he does. We both agree that cyber school is not the best option for him, so this means finding another school for him again next year. I have one in mind, he just needs to pass 8^th grade in order to be enrolled in the school. I wish I could afford to hire a tutor to help him individually – maybe I will keep looking for that option.

Last night Primero and I attended a Mythbusters even called Jamie and Adam Unleashed. It was terrific and I enjoyed it immensely. Primero spent nearly the whole two hours talking to his “brother” about why he is spreading rumors that Primero is gay. This is a brother by one of the men who could be Primero’s father, so not a child that Primero lived with or knows very well. Anyway, at the intermission of the show, Primero declared that he “loves” his sexuality and that it is “everything.” And he tells me about how so many young people at school and at his after school program have come out as bisexual. I told him I think it’s a fad, it’s the “in” thing to do and really they are all just a bunch of horny teenagers. I love Primero no matter what gender he decides he likes, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say bisexuality and homosexuality make me feel uncomfortable. Primero is forever pointing out young men and their features that he finds attractive and it bothers me that he sees them as objects and not people or that he would consider “doing things” with a young man just because he is attractive, not because he has a great personality, is kind, etc. Primero still sees himself ultimately being with a woman and my worry is that he will have a troubled relationship if he isn’t able to satisfy the other half of himself that desires men. I guess that’s why bisexuality gives me the heebie-jeebies – how can you ever be satisfied in a relationship with one sex when you like them both? But, what really bugged me last night was that Primero couldn’t get his nose out of his damn phone to pay attention to the show. I honestly wish I had taken my dad and not Primero because my father would have LOVED the show as much as I did. And he certainly wouldn’t have spent the entire night on his phone, then whine when the battery died. Sometimes I want to chuck Primero’s phone into the deepest depth of the ocean!!

Let’s go back to the concept of half-siblings from the paternal side. The three children in my care right now all have multiple siblings identified through maternity. To my knowledge, all of the siblings (except possibly Primero and Hermano) have different fathers. It seems logical to expect, given the lack of involvement, that these men might have more than one baby momma and more than one (or two, or three) kid. At least Primero is able to identify most of his half-siblings through his paternal side (even if his true father is not identified). For Chica Marie, her bio mom knows who her father is and even has ways of contacting him and his family (from what I understand, most of his family lives in Puerto Rico). But, for poor little Love Bug it seems like paternity is an unanswered question. His grandmother told me she was told of the ethnicity of the baby daddy but she seemed to doubt the validity of his identity. It seems like his paternity is an unknown. So, here is my (perhaps irrational) fear. We live in a relatively small town, the same town where Love Bug (and the other two) was born. How will he know, in say 15-16 years, that his first girlfriend isn’t in reality his half-sister? Is this a weird thing to worry about or a legitimate problem to consider? And, if it is a legitimate issue, how do we get around it? I don’t plan on cutting their bio mom out of their life, but I can’t guarantee she will stay very involved (based on the little evidence I see from the older children who no longer live with her). Even if she is involved, must we vet every potential mate through her just to be sure there is no paternal relationship? Why did my mind start thinking of this, maybe I’m just crazy….