God's Treasures

Saturday morning Chica Marie had her PCIT therapy. Her sister did not attend the session and her mother reported she did not have a good session, that she was not listening and she dumped water all over her therapists computer. She was also acting like a baby (talking in ga-ga, goo-goo language and clinging to her mother’s leg) and simply not cooperating at all whatsoever. When Chica Marie and her mom came downstairs into the waiting room, the mom tried to hold Love Bug. He was already fussy because his morning nap had been disturbed, so he wasn’t having it. She promptly gave him back to me, stroking his back and saying, “That’s fine, that’s ok. If Miss [My Name] makes you feel more comfortable, that’s just fine. Mommy just wants you to be comfortable.” We walked outside and began walking down the block to where our car was parked and where bio mom would walk home in the opposite direction. I can’t remember all that was said, but we spent probably 20 minutes talking. I try to avoid long drawn out conversations with bio mom because usually we are in a hurry to get somewhere, but I felt compelled to stand and talk to her. In the sun. Holding a fussy baby. After about 5 minutes Primero took Chica Marie to the car. The conversation initially was about Chica Marie and how her therapy session was a disaster. We talked about visits and how she should be dressed because of the heat. Some mention was made about the older sister and all I said was that I felt so so bad for her being moved again and I had so hoped their grandmother would be able to take her instead. Well, that opened the floodgates and a torrent of tears and instance that she had done “everything” and there was no need for the county to keep her children from her. Of course I heard things that directly oppose what the case workers have told me, but I didn’t tell her that. I mainly just listened or murmured, “that’s terrible” from time to time. What more could I say? She thanked me for taking such good care of her children and even complimented me on how I do Chica Marie’s hair, stating she tells everyone how I learned to care for her hair and now we’re good and bio mom doesn’t have to worry about it at all. She tried to hold Love Bug again but he was just not having it at all and squirmed and cried immediately. This is the case when I try to hand him off to anyone lately. My mom thinks it’s my fault because I held him too much. But, seeing him give his bio mom the cold shoulder made me sad. I felt bad for her. I tried to explain to my mom why I felt bad and she did not understand how I could. Love Bug knows only me as his mommy, he doesn’t understand this whole situation. She said his bio mom made some poor choices and if she is suffering from them, then she must lie in the bed she had made. I get that, I do, but she is also a human being. I’ve made choices that have caused me to suffer – heck I’ve even made “good” choices that made me suffer. Do I not deserve compassion simply because I am suffering, be it my fault or not?

As we were going our separate ways, I asked the little one’s bio mom if I could give her a hug. She was a mess, her hair was skewed (she wears wigs most of the time), her eyes were swelling up from crying, her nose was running and I just felt so bad for her the words popped out of my mouth before I could stop myself and rethink the whole idea. “Can I give you a hug?” She seemed almost relieved that I asked. She kissed Love Bug, thanked me again, and we went our separate ways, both knowing there was some sort of relationship building that just happened. As I carried Love Bug to the car I thought of how different my relationship was with this bio mom than with Primeros’ bio mom. Why can I find more compassion for this bio mom and not the other? What makes one different? Certainly, Chica Marie and Love Bug’s bio mom is not the easiest character to get along with – quite the opposite in fact. Our first encounter she was downright hostile and things remained tense for many weeks and visits after that. She is confrontational and gruff and tries to scare people with her bark. What I have found is that if I just actively listen to her and agree on some of the valid points she makes (having your kids taken from you is terrible), then she seems to back down. She is ready for someone to get in her face, she seems to relish the fight. But, if you act rationally, she can usually reciprocate. Honestly, I think the biggest difference between the two bio moms in my life is that I’ve spent more time with one, had more conversations and have grown to better understand her. I don’t know Primero’s mom other than what he has told me and the few brief encounters we have had over the past year. She is absent more often than not and the feeble attempts I have made to connect with her were mostly rebuffed. It is certainly harder to have compassion from someone you don’t know.

In church on Sunday the pastor talked about how every person is a treasure to God. He was teaching the congregation about the upcoming Treasure Hunt out-reach endeavor we will be starting the end of the month. But, God was using it to speak to me in another way. If all people are God’s treasure, it means they should be treated as such, regardless of how we feel about them. That’s as far as it penetrated until I went up for prayer. I waited for my turn until an older lady was able to come and pray with me. I explained that I really needed prayer because, not only is my son dating a girl who just had a baby that isn’t his, but I was having a really terrible attitude about it and knew it was damaging my relationship with my son. She prayed for all the unkind, mean, resentful feelings to be bound and unable to reach me. And then she prayed, “God, if these two children are to break-up please make it a clean break and help heal all those involved. But, if for whatever reason, Lord You see fit to keep them together, then please help my sister to open her heart to this girl and her child for they are Your treasure.” And that did it. The lightbulb went off. And I knew that I could not continue in my path of distain for both Primero and the girl. So, later that day I apologized to Primero for being unkind and for saying many, many less-than nice things. I said I won’t probably ever be ok with it, but I needed to get my attitude adjusted so I could treat everyone nicely – everyone deserves that. The day before we had been at Target and I bought some cute 4^th of July outfits for the baby. Primero got angry because he thought I was trying to kill the girlfriend with kindness and I said I didn’t mean it contritely, but I was trying to work my way through it and this was one way I do it. If I can spend my money on you, then I’m trying to show you I care (and I don’t mean this in a twisted money equates love or happiness – I just mean I’m putting thought and effort into purchasing something because I hope the other person will like it and see it as a gesture of my friendship). I know I am just a work in progress and I am hoping this is a step in the right direction.