Taking Me to the Brink

Life just isn’t easy. And being a grown-up isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. So often you have to do things you just don’t want to do – you have to do hard things because it’s the right thing to do. This is a really, really hard thing for me to do. I don’t want to do it, but I have to put what I want aside. Primero is determined to keep dating his girlfriend. So we had a very long discussion both via text messages and in person in front of his case worker and alone. He’s going to be involved with this girl and her daughter. And, since he’s making this step, I’m trying to get him to understand how it will impact his life and those around him. I said, if he’s going to be a father figure to the baby, that makes me a grandma and Love Bug and Chica Marie an uncle and aunt. I said he will need to tell his family (which he is reluctant to do) and my family eventually. I told him I don’t like the choice he has made, but I will love him and respect him enough to be supportive. I suppose this is how my parents felt when I married Flaco. The only difference being I was actually an adult, not a teenage child. I know that God promises not to give us more than we can handle, but I wish He wouldn’t keep taking me to the brink like this! This is just so hard! I don’t condone teenage parenting because it is so hard and creates such a difficult situation for the teen parent and the baby. Plus, it alters the life of the teen irrevocably. I’m not being drastic and saying it “ruins’ their life because they can certainly make better choices that result in more positive outcomes, but it’s an added burden to achieving their goals. And it will require a lot of support. Unfortunately, in addition to my stance on teen parents, seeing an irresponsible teenager so easily giving birth (she even claimed the birth was simple and painless) drums up the “this isn’t fair” demon inside of me. And the green-eyed monster of jealousy too. I cried myself to sleep last night from the stress of it all.

Primero and I are going to visit the girlfriend and baby after work today. I said it was a good way for me and the girlfriend to get to know one another. I bought her a rose, a scented candle and new baby card and a few cute little frilly outfits for the baby (ok, so I spent $60  because I just love little baby girl clothing!!). I’m dreading the visit. I’m hoping I can remain gracious and calm and not blurt out how I really feel about her and this whole situation. I still believe she should let him go, she should “man up” and free Primero from the relationship so he can continue on uninhibited. I must be sure not to say this at the hospital visit. Thankfully we won’t have a lot of time because I need to pick up the little ones from their visit and Primero needs to get back to his after school program. I think he is excited to visit her in the hospital because he picked out a special outfit and did his hair a specific way, trying to look his best. Dear Lord give me strength to do this!

So, our case worker was over yesterday evening. She spent a significant time with us and talked a great deal to Primero about this whole baby mess. But, she also mentioned a change in respite care that has me upset. She said there is a new CEO for CHOR who is also the CEO for CHOY and he/she wants to run things the same as in the other county. This means that for respite homes that have the maximum capacity (6 kids for some, 3 for me) even if they have kids going on weekend family visits, they can’t provide respite care on the off chance that there’s an emergency and the children would need to return early. This means there are a lot less available respite homes at CHOR and so the case workers have been tasked with telling the foster families to ask family and friends to get their clearances to help them out. This is terrible! I heavily rely on respite care because I am a single parent. I have friends that would be willing to baby-sit but I don’t know how many would be willing to get their clearances to do so. I do have one friend who has her clearances, so I will ask her to give me copies and see if that works, but I just find this to be an unnecessary hardship. Just Tuesday night at the foster parent dinner they professed the need for “good” foster homes and now they make it harder for the current foster parents – at least in my opinion it is harder. I will ask around and see if I have any willing friends or family, but even if there are such selfless people it will take time for the paperwork to be processed. I did try asking my parents in the past, but they were unwilling to go through the intrusion. I hope this new rule doesn’t stay for long and I hope other foster families are just as outraged as I am about the inconvenience.