Failed Respite

Friday night I was supposed to go to a Bible study. I had respite all worked out for all three kids and planned to transport my friend along with me. Then Primero asked to go to the movies with his friend and her sister and I needed to take all three of them to the movies and the girls’ mom would bring them all home. Primero was going to be home alone for about an hour until I finished with my Bible study. The little ones would spend the night in the respite home. At 4:27 my work phone rang. It was the respite home. They were getting a placement of 3 kids and couldn’t do respite for me anymore. I contacted the case worker immediately, but I was angry. This wasn’t fair! I know in the past I’ve agreed to provide respite only to get a placement and I know CHOR found another place for the children to go. In fact, I made sure to make the placement contingent on CHOR finding another solution for the other family. How unfair to be left in the lurch like that! So, needless to say, I did not get to attend the Bible study. Primero went to the movies after we had dinner and I took the little one’s home. I have two friends who have their clearances and I just need to present that to CHOR and then I will have my own respite. This is ridiculous!

Friday morning Primero’s girlfriend text him that there was something she needed to tell him. She made a big stink about not wanting to tell him over the phone, but she would rather tell him face-to-face. She said she did something awful and so the immediate conclusion is that she did something with the former boyfriend turned baby daddy. Primero had a doctor’s appointment that we found out was cancelled once we got the office (hey, doctor’s office, there’s this thing called a phone……) and because he was having issues with some kids at the Resource Center he went with me to work. He needed to leave around 2 in the afternoon to walk to his after school program (which was about a 40 minute walk across town – I wasn’t very pleased with this) to meet the girlfriend and have her tell him the news. It turns out, the baby daddy kissed her. Yes, that’s how she explained it to Primero – he kissed her. I tried to have a conversation with Primero about this latest incident, but he didn’t want to talk about it. Of course he didn’t want to talk about it! He has to see how preposterous this is! His girlfriend has a baby with another boy and now just kissed that boy! Why on earth would you want to stay in a relationship like that? It’s not like they are married or the baby is his, I mean COME ON!!! Not to pat myself on the back, but other than throwing out some suggestions (“you’re no one’s doormat,” “once a cheater always a cheater,” “they need to figure this stuff out and you need to give them space to do that”), I stopped talking when he said he didn’t want to talk about it. But, I really just want to throttle this girl. It certainly doesn’t make it any easier for me to try to like her. I’m beginning to despise her, in fact. I know, I know I need to get over myself about this already. Sunday they celebrated 8 months together (in reality, it’s only 7 months, they miss-counted) and I agreed to let him invite the girl, her baby and possibly her mother to Love Bug’s birthday party. He thinks it will be a good time for us all to begin getting to know one another and I said I disagree because my focus will be on Love Bug and hosting this party, not on chatting with any one person exclusively. Plus, her mother is so sour-faced I’m sure she will just sit in a corner and glare at everyone. Deep breaths, deep cleansing breaths. The party is for Love Bug and I won’t have it be ruined by rude people. Primero is also inviting his older sister and his best friend to the party – he is so excited for them to meet one another. How he hijacked Love Bug’s birthday party is partly astounding and mostly my fault.  

Last night Primero began drawing a cartoon of a couple sharing a drink with two straws, their foreheads pressed against one another. It was his present for his girlfriend. This is the second time he’s drawn something nice for her near an occasion when I thought he might have drawn something nice for me. For Mother’s Day, he did start drawing three small cards. He tried to give them to me when I mentioned being disappointed in only getting a Facebook message (unlike the beautiful card he drew me last year). I gave the cards back to him and said he shouldn’t be forced to give me anything and I apologized for asking. But, I can’t tell you how shitty it feels. Yes, the Facebook post was nice and many of my friends fell over themselves to say how beautiful it was. But, if I’m honest, I simply hate it. I hate three of the 6 pictures of me that he chose to use, to the point that I can’t stand to look at them. I hate that it’s something temporary and easily forgotten. I hate that it was a last minute, last ditch effort because he didn’t take the time to make anything or plan anything – it was an afterthought, an “aww shit, I forgot I had to get her something.” I hate that it was made public, like a publicity stunt, rather than a private thing I could cherish or share with whomever I like. I hate that he didn’t try harder, knowing how hard I’m trying to accept this hideous situation with his stupid girlfriend and her rude mother. I hate that I try so hard to do little things for him on a constant basis and he next to never reciprocates. I hate that all I wanted was a beautifully drawn card from him and I didn’t get it. I need to lower my expectations and then maybe it won’t hurt.