That One Thing

I think, as parents, we all have that thing, that one thing that bugs us even though it’s seen as no big deal to everyone but us. My one thing with Chica Marie is her hair. I follow this group on Facebook which was created for white adoptive parents raising children of color. The theme of the group, in addition to culture and race issues, is hair. As white parents of children of color we are judged differently for how our children’s hair looks and how healthy it is. For black women, their hair is a source of pride and should be treated as such. Chica Marie’s mother was also big on making sure her girls hair was well taken care of and she was helpful in finding some products to use in their hair. So, you can’t tell me anything dealing with her hair is no big deal and I shouldn’t sweat something so small as a messed up hairdo. Because I know it is more than that, much more. And, because I want my daughter to take pride in who she is, to love her hair and the rest of herself just the way she is. I’m not going to tell you I’m the most fantastic hair stylist or that I have fully mastered caring for her hair, but I have come a long way. I still can’t cornrow to save my life, but I can do intricate twists and ponytails that make for many admirers of her hair (including compliments from her mom, which is very important in my book). So, for her birthday, Chica Marie asked to have her hair out, with a little pulled back along the front. Generally, I don’t let her hair out for several reasons, 1) it is not something encouraged by women of color because it causes damage, 2) her hair gets very tangled very easily and she does not like having me comb the knots out, and 3) she is always messing with her hair. I can probably count on one hand how many times I have left her hair free and most of those times it is for a special occasion. Well, her birthday is a special occasion, right? And, she is turning 6 and should be able to spend a day with her hair free, right? I’m sure you have already guessed the answer is not yes. I almost fell over when I picked Chica Marie up from daycare that Thursday. Not only was the free hair a big puffy, frizzy mess, but she had also pulled out the front of her hair and then tried to replace it making it more of a mess. I was irate. The daycare staff, one of them being a woman of color, tried to tell me it was no big deal. They suggested I just put her hair up in a ponytail and they would replace it when she took it out. NO! No, no, no, no, no. First of all, that is not teaching her squat about listening to me and second of all it won’t help keep her hair protected or worse she could get a permanent bump in her hair from constantly wearing it the same way. I wanted to cut it. I wanted to take a big scissors right then and there and give her a very short hairdo. I was so angry and disappointed in her. We had made plans to go out to eat at a pizza buffet (her choice) for her dinner and her TSS worker was going to meet us there as a surprise. We were late because I had to fix Chica Marie’s hair. Luckily, the TSS worker understood how I felt about Chica Marie’s hair and she didn’t tell me it was no big deal and I should just get over myself it’s only hair. She admonished Chica Marie for messing with her hair and made her apologize to me. She promised to work on having Chica Marie not touch her hair in school and didn’t think simply tying it back in a ponytail was the solution. It felt good to be validated and not have my feelings about it brushed under the rug. I’m sure others feel the same way as the daycare teachers, it’s no big deal, but don’t you have just that one thing? That thing that bugs you even if it doesn’t seem like a big deal to someone else?

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