Hermano and Our Great Weekend

It was a whirlwind weekend. At the last minute Friday morning Primero’s case worker sent me a text stating his brother’s Guardian ad Litem was not in agreement that he stay the whole weekend. The GAL wanted him to just stay the afternoon or, at the most, one night. Primero was bummed out about this and I felt like it was a trust issue, like I wasn’t being trusted. I mean, here’s the thing. This GAL does not know me, has never met me and only met Primero’s brother once. Yet, they can dictate and ruin the plans that we had for this weekend. Sounds insane, doesn’t it? I mean, the GAL is supposed to be representing the kid, looking out for the best interest of the kid. How can you do that without having a relationship with the child? How can you choose what is best if you don’t have the full picture? I have been here before and I know I can huff and puff all I want but in the end the only change I will create is negative in my favor. So, I bite my lip and keep my opinions to my blog.

 

So, we trekked an hour one way to get Primero’s brother (let’s call him Hermano, it means “brother” in Spanish). His foster mother was nicer in person than over the phone, but it was not an overly gregarious household. We drove an hour home, hitting some rush hour traffic and then picked up the boys’ older sister. The four of us went to the restaurant where the eldest brother works to see him as well. After dinner we went to the mall for a little and then to see the movie Ouija. We took the sister home and then went to our place to crash. It was pretty late by that point. I stayed up with the boys until 1 am and then crashed. I’m not sure how late they stayed up, but they were quiet so I can’t complain. The next day we had to go grocery shopping, which we did after a lazy morning just hanging out around the house. The sister came over with their aunt and visited for a little while and before we knew it, it was time to take Hermano back to his foster family an hour away. We stopped and got some pizza for dinner and then began our journey with heavy hearts. No one wanted the weekend to end. We visited with Hermano’s foster family for a little bit when we dropped him off. It was hard separating the boys again. Hermano gave me a big bear hug (he’s a big kid, over 6 feet tall) and then asked if he could call me, wait for it.......... “Mom.” Yikes!

 

And that’s the thing. Hermano so desperately wants to be part of a family, a real functioning family. He saw how affectionate Primero and I are with one another and he ached for that connection too. His current foster home is very experienced, they’ve been fostering for nearly as long as I’ve been alive, but they are not family to him. He says he feels like a guest there. They can meet his physical needs for shelter and sustenance but they cannot fill his emotional needs. In a brief 24 hours with me, this kid is asking to call me mom, he’s texting me and messaging me constantly to maintain the connection. After we left he sent me the following message, “Had so much fun today all I wish is that I can be with you. I feel loved in your house like I never did before. Like you’re the best and I wish God is with us and lets me come to you. I love you Mom.” I cried. Primero read this to me as we were driving home and I bawled my eyes out. I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. I was kind to him, I encouraged him, I treated him just like I treat Primero – like he matters, like he is important to me. I know it’s crazy, I know that he’s got some skeletons in his closet, I know there is a big possibility for failure, but I cannot turn my back on this kid. We are all praying he can come home to us, because we are his home. Am I being manipulated here? Is it all a ploy just to get himself back to the city where he can run wild again? If it is then he’s pulling the wool over Primero’s eyes too. I think he is sincere. I think one of the reasons he got caught up in the junk he was in is because there is a hole in his heart. Their mother loved them the best way she knew how, but it was not a healthy motherly love. The foster home he is in now treats him well but they do not love him. I love him. And not just by extension of being my son’s brother. After spending time with him, I love him for who he is.

 

But, there’s things of the heart and then there is reality. The reality is constraints on space and finances, the emotional side is a desire to build a life-altering relationship as a cohesive family. My house is small, that’s a reality. But, the room we created for Primero is the largest in the house, plenty big enough for two boys. I found out yesterday that God answered my prayers in relation to paying for childcare, I was approved for financial assistance that will take my monthly payments from $1000 to $20. That’s huge! The little ones also get WIC which helps a great deal, especially with formula, and then there’s the stipend for having foster kids. This would all make the finances possible. Hermano told me he wants to be adopted but was told he would just stay with his foster family until he is 18. So, the powers that be would rather that he age out of the system, alone and cut off from everyone he knows, than make some minor concessions to let him join his brother and be adopted into a family. It’s hard not to feel bitter about that. I need to be careful. I told both the boys this – I cannot and will not do anything to jeopardize or disrupt Primero’s adoption. This is a fight I must sit out. But, I will be sure to let everyone know I am open to dialogue about the situation and I am more than happy to open my home to Hermano and even adopt him as my son, should such a thing be allowed. I’m not saying it would be easy and I’m fairly certain Hermano will break my heart by making me a grandmother before my time, but he deserves a shot at happiness. No, love does not cure all ills, but it does go a long way to mend broken hearts. Hermano is really just a little boy trapped in a man’s body. At one point he said to me, “I’m not a bad kid.” And he’s not, he’s actually very sweet. He’s made mistakes, haven’t we all? But, the price he is being asked to pay for his mistakes is too steep. I know, I know, I’m just a bleeding heart. I guess that is my weakness as a foster parent – I care too much. We all have to live with the decisions the system makes for us, even if we don’t agree with them. But, if given the chance, we will argue our point and explain our desires.

 

I guess all I can say in conclusion is that I feel like God brought Primero to me to be my son. He orchestrated our whole meeting and took us baby steps from respite care to adopted son. Now, through Primero, God is moving to expand our family with Hermano. As I explained it to Hermano, I think God is using the resistance of the county and CHOR to help us be sure this is the step we want to take and so that when we are all together we will be mindful of the time when we were not. Maybe it’s just me being crazy, but I feel deep down like this is going to happen, Hermano will come home and be a part of our family. We just need to be respectful and follow the rules to make it happen. And pray. Every time I think of Hermano I say a little prayer that God will produce another miracle and move Hermano home.        

 

 

http://www.fosteringperspectives.org/fpv13n2/minds.htm (This brief article mentions some of the same things I say about teens in foster care)