The Road Thus Far...

Maybe because this year is drawing to a close or maybe I just needed some time for reflection, but I have been thinking about my journey to motherhood a lot lately. I was re-reading some of the older posts, the painful ones from when my life turned upside down right up to the more recent ones. I felt anew the poignant punch of joy and loss, reliving the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I guess I was looking to the past to get an explanation of how I got where I am today, but I also wanted to be sure to embrace my current situation as the epitome of what I have been striving for all along.

If you watch the TV show Supernatural, you will catch my drift, but here it is, the road thus far:

 

It’s actually hard to remember my life when I was married. I have to force myself to remember how happy I was when Flaco first came home in October of 2006. Our time together was rife with struggle, both personally and as a couple. Flaco struggled to fit into a new culture and society and I struggled to get everyone to like him. Together we battled financial ups and downs and learned how to get along as a couple living under one roof. We had many happy times, although they all seem tarnished by the end of our tale together. Infertility did a number on us, especially me because I felt like it was all my fault – after all, I was the one with the problem.

 

We eventually found a way to become parents through adoption. I can never and I don’t ever want to forget the surreal feeling when we drove home with the baby boy in our car. After the crushing realization that we wouldn’t have a biological child, it felt unreal to have a baby in our lives. But, I cannot remember that joy without the memory of his loss tying knots in the pit of my stomach. I remember how awkward I was with the baby, how everything seemed so strange and foreign. I clearly remember one afternoon when I had the baby out running errands with me after Flaco left us and I wanted to take him to the play land at Chick-Fil-A but I was so unsure of myself. He started having a temper tantrum as we walked across the parking lot, so I turned back and went home. I felt inadequate a his care taker, like everyone was watching me make the novice mistakes. I noted in my blog that the darkest time for me also left a hole in my posts. I was going through the motions of life at the time and had nothing more to contribute.

 

But, I did manage to pull myself from that pit of despair and I began fostering alone. That was a big leap for me too. I really wasn’t sure I could do it alone. I had a very difficult placement that eventually led me to ask for her removal, but it taught me the important lesson that I could parent a child alone. Not only could I be a single mother, but I discovered that I still really wanted to be a mother, even if it meant doing it alone.

 

Not long after my second placement left I was contacted for a third placement, my most challenging thus far. I went from an empty house to one full of three little girls in one fell swoop. I was a little overwhelmed but found that with a routine we were able to get along. With that placement I had my first experience with a newborn and I loved every minute. Too quickly I was mourning the loss of these girls and contemplating taking in a new placement - my longest foster care placement. (Actually, Primero just surpassed the length of time those kids were with me – I had them 262 days and today is Primero’s 264^th day with me).

 

My parents were the most attached to these two little ones, especially the little boy. I know initially my mom held back because she was so hurt after the little girls left, but it was impossible to not be charmed by the little boy and his sweet little face. We loved him to pieces and it was so hard to watch them go when they returned home on my birthday last year.

 

For reasons I don’t think I will ever understand, the greatest moment of joy followed by the most horrific disappointment occurred last year right before Christmas. The Friday before Christmas it seemed like all my prayers had been answered because I was called about a baby boy that was about a month old and I would be picking him up on Monday. The weekend of elation turned into deep sorrow Monday morning when I was told an aunt had surfaced. I was crushed and broken, my heart and my hope had deflated.

 

The next twist in the tale brings us up to present day. It’s hard to believe it was not quite a year ago when I first met my son. He came to stay with me one cold rainy night in January as a respite case for the weekend. He enjoyed his stay so much that from that weekend on, he was with me until he moved in full-time the end of February. God certainly moved in mysterious ways to get me and Primero together. My initial hesitancy to take Primero as a foster care placement blossomed into the desire to be his permanent home; to adopt him and call him my son.

 

But, God wasn’t done there. The middle of June I was contacted about two potential placements for babies soon-to-be born. A little over a week later I was contacted because the county wanted me to take a baby sibling to the little girl I had in respite for several weeks. I was contacted Friday and Monday morning I found myself being escorted through the hospital with a brand new baby in my car seat. I was on cloud nine, loving the boys in my home and re-learning how to live on little sleep. It seemed like all my dreams were coming true.

 

I had the baby for less than a month when I was asked to consider taking the sister who had been with me in respite. Initially I demurred, pushing the decision off until the last possible moment. But, again God was moving things in the direction He felt was best and so I had the space in my basement turned into an extra room and welcomed home a third child.

 

So, here I am. Three children in the course of eight months. Primero will soon be my son legally and the little ones are considered legal risk, so there is a possibility that this is my forever family. Until we heard about Primero’s older brother, Hermano. I had met him a few times, I knew who he was, but I had no idea we would be where we are now, trying to finagle a way to get this boy into our home as well. I told God I wanted a big family, I always had, but I figured, when I was plagued with infertility and then numerous non-adoptive placements, it was God’s way of telling me I was not destined to have the big family I desired in my heart. Maybe I was wrong?

 

After the Christmas Miracle Baby debacle, I prayed that God would make it a smooth process when I was finally getting my “baby.” I also prayed that my next placement would be *mine*, my child to keep. God answered those prayers for me. The next placement after the Christmas Miracle Baby was Primero. His case seemed to move effortlessly from foster care to adoption and even having his mother agree to sign the termination paperwork was with little drama or effort. To me, it seems like God just tied it all up with a neat little bow and placed this blessing in my lap. But, it also seems like, in accepting Primero, the floodgate has opened and God just keeps pouring these precious little blessings into my life. He waited for Primero and I to get settled before the baby came home and then, once I had a handle on mothering an infant and teenager, He threw the little girl into the mix. Now, I feel prompted by God to take in a second teen because he needs a home just as much as that tiny baby did in the hospital.

 

This road has been long and painful, rife with intense loss and near-total devastation. But, out of the ashes, my family has formed. Things have been tough lately with costly repairs and monetary issues, but when I keep my focus on these three (four) kids I know I can make it through anything for them. For the first time since I began this journey to motherhood, I feel like I have a cohesive family. I feel like the four (five) of us are a complete unit and I need to pinch myself at the wonderful blessings I have been gifted. I’m thankful I never gave up, even when it all seemed impossible. I’m thankful I listened to the gentle whispers of God to open my heart to Primero. I’m thankful my children have found me and they are more beautiful and amazing than I had imagined possible. I’m glad my journey brought me here, with these precious children I love more than words can express.