As I was expecting, the pregnancy test in the office today was negative. Hurts like hell. I mean, I knew it. I've known it since Friday night when I started spotting. But, it still stings to hear it coming out of some else's mouth. After the appointment and before we got the confirmation, Flaco and I went out to eat for lunch. We decided to treat ourselves. Plus, the restaurant where we wanted to go last week for Valentine's Day was so full we went somewhere else, so what better time to go back?
We are going to have the doctor check my tubes. That is what we told our nurse today. She was supportive, although she said the doctor had no indications that my tubes were not open; nothing indicates tubal issues in my history. She suggested perhaps we try Clomid and an IUI (the turkey-baster approach) if it is determined that my tubes are not an issue. I have to call the office when my actual period starts, which should be any minute now.
I am trying very hard to keep it together. I cried in the pharmacy today, when we finally went to get the prescription filled for the metaformin. I am such a cry-baby! And, I keep thinking about the "God's perfect timing" myth. I'm sorry to sound blasphemous, but it's complete bullshit. It's been over two years. You mean to tell me in that time, there was no "perfect timing" to be found? And how about now? Does God really want us (well, me) to suffer through more testing as He obstinately withholds conception? An IUI could still cost us around $500 and that's if our insurance company will cover anything. God's perfect timing seems to be costing us a lot of money we don't have. I know, I should just rely in His provision as well as His timing. Excuse me if I find this highly ironic. I suppose, to put it simply, I am angry at God for failing us yet again. I want a baby dammit! Now, not when I am 40 or 50 or 100! NOW! So, take your perfect timing and shove it. I'm going to drown my sorrows in chocolate, ice cream and gallons red wine. . . . .
I'm so sorry you got a negative :( It looks like you and I have the same 'problem,' with the no-ovulation. I'm headed into IVF and that is scary to me! Also, Reading is not so far! I live in the Lehigh Valley (along with a few other IF bloggers), and our meetup was in Lansdale. We're looking at having another one in a few months in Bethlehem. The first one was so much fun that we're wanting to kind of move around geographically so other Eastern PA bloggers can participate. So if you feel comfortable, then you're absolutely welcome to come :)
ReplyDeleteSorry for the BFN. :-( I know there's not much to say that will take away the pain and disappointment. Just know you're not in this alone.
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