Someone Else's Star

     Below is a country song that I had stuck in my head last night and woke up singing this morning. It is a song performed by Bryan White, whom I was totally obsessed and in love with when I was about 15. If you replace the idea that he is singing about a lover with the idea of a baby, it pretty much describes the past two years of my life. . . .     

Alone again tonight
Without someone to love
The stars are shining bright
So one more wish goes up
Oh I wish I may
And I wish with all my might
For the love I’m dreaming of
And missing in my life

You’d think that I could find
A true love of my own
It happens all the time
To people that I know
Their wishes all come true
So I’ve got to believe
There’s still someone out there who
Is meant for only me

I guess I must be wishing on
Someone else’s star
It seems like someone else keeps getting
What I’m wishing for
Why can’t I be as lucky
As those other people are
I guess I must be wishing
On someone else’s star

I sit here in the dark
And stare up at the sky
But I can’t give my heart
One good reason why
Everywhere I look
It’s lovers that I see
It seems like everyone’s in love
With everyone but me

I guess I must be wishing on
Someone else’s star
It seems like someone else keeps getting
What I’m wishing for
Why can’t I be as lucky
As those other people are
I guess I must be wishing
On someone else’s star

Why can’t I be as lucky
As those other people are
Oh, I guess I must be wishing
On someone else’s star

      Last night a good friend told me she and her husband have began trying to get pregnant. They started in November but she was afraid to tell me because she knows about our struggles. I felt sad that she couldn't tell me but also somewhat relieved. Her husband is in the military and he will be deployed next February, so they are only trying until March because she does not want to "do it" alone. And even though she is new to the trying to conceive game, she has some of the same neurotic thoughts that I have. And while I am in the boat of just hoping it happens eventually and not trying to schedule when we will have our baby, she does not have that luxury. It would be the coolest thing ever if we both get pregnant this month, because we will be pregnant buddies and our babies can be friends!
     I feel like yesterday's post sounded like I had completely given up the hope that we might be pregnant this month. I waver between trying to save myself the heartbreak and getting freaking insanely excited about the chance of it happening. In the end, I know no matter how hard I try not to think about it, not to dream the dream, if I get my period I will be crushed down to the depths of despair. One would think that after two years of this cockamamie roller coaster ride I would be more calloused and accustomed to the highs and lows, that I could laugh in the face of sheer disappointment. But, one would be wrong in this assumption. Each month hope blooms anew, slowly creeping inside and spreading more each day until the Big Let-down. Deep down inside I know we will have a baby. My fears dance around the unknown ("nothing to fear but fear itself") of how long it will take and what measures we will need to endure to have the baby. So, while I have not given up hope entirely, I have been learning there are certain things I can do to guard my heart. I don't let myself "go there" in terms of my thoughts and emotions when I see something that makes me think of my own inadequacies with fertility. I must try to stop living my life from cycle to cycle. In the beginning I stopped drinking my one cup of coffee in the morning, I wouldn't take any Aleve if I got a headache (and I am prone to headaches and migraines), and I wouldn't eat certain foods I heard aren't good for pregnant women, I even stopped cleaning the cat's litter box a few weeks out of the month (to my husbands chagrin). But, I can't put my life on hold in the process of trying to have a baby. So, I drink coffee and eat the foods I want. I take medicine when I need it. 
     Monday morning, bright and early, I go back to the Fertility Clinic for yet another ultrasound and blood test. I am nervous to see the out-come, to see if any of the six little follicles wanted to make a home in my uterus. Let it be, dear Lord, let it be!