The little ones spent the weekend with their grandmother. She
invited them over to watch their sister run a 5k race. While they were
visiting, Primero and I drove six hours to upstate New York to move Esperanza
back home. It was a long grueling trip because we returned the same day (so,
six hours up, six hours back). We did spend a hot minute at Niagara Falls,
which was pretty cool. When we dropped the kids off, Grandma took a picture of
them and posted it on Facebook. Their older sister (who is pregnant) posted
that she wanted to see them. She has seen them two, maybe three times in the
nearly 4 years they have lived with me. Last year, when we had the sibling
picnic, I finally had a chance to meet the older siblings, except two who were
not allowed to attend. I gave out my phone number, I suggested the other family
contact me to develop a relationship with the little ones. No one took me up on
the offer. It seems, from my perspective, that Grandma wants to control who
gets to see my children and when. And, I’m not really ok with that. Grandma
took the kids to see their older sister. Chica Marie thinks it’s so awesome
that her sister is pregnant, she bragged about rubbing her tummy. The last
thing in the world I want is for Chica Marie to think it’s cool to have a baby
before you can drive a car. Grandma also bought the kids fancy new shoes because
their shoes got muddy. It’s mud. Clean them off. I put the shoes in the washer
since they are canvas shoes. She bought Chica Marie shoes that light up, which
she will want to wear to school but I will not let her because they will be a
distraction. Grandma mentioned to me they are thinking of going to Disney World
next year and wants to take the kids, or maybe just Chica Marie. Um, no. Hard
no. I feel like she does not respect me, she clearly has no issues doing what
she wants when she wants to do it. There is no way I would let her take my
children out of state. Especially not after the whole incident last fall, with
her wanting to take Chica Marie and refusing to talk to me about it. What makes
you think I’d be willing to let you just whisk my children away, so far away?
Clearly I am angry. I’m trying to determine what is at the heart of my
frustration with Grandma. I am trying to mentally see how I would feel if it
were my mom doing these things and how I would react. I mostly wrote this to
try to mentally work through it. I thought about texting Grandma that I’m not
happy she took the kids to see their sibling without contacting me. Am I just
going tit for tat on a control issue? Am I being unreasonable? I want to refuse
to let the children sleep-over and just have visits where I’m present. This way
there won’t be any surprises…..
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I think, at this stage of the relationship, it would be 100% to take control of the visits - and the relationship - until you feel safe, respected, and more comfortable. I'm sure part of your feelings stem from her grandma's behaviour last year, but that doesn't mean your feelings are invalid. I don't allow my bio parents to take my children even overnight bc they don't respect my concerns regarding other family members, and I think you're being reasonable with your expectations. It's clear that you value bio family relationships, but in no way should that come before the safety of the kids, or at the cost of your say so in certain choices. I think it would be better to take control of things now, and then perhaps loosen the reins more as all the relationships develop. I also think it would make sense to reach out to any siblings you feel good about developing a relationship with, so that they feel comfortable coming directly to you, rather than waiting on their grandma to make connections. Wishing you all the best!
ReplyDeleteThere's such a fine balance to be walked between regular, reassuring contact, and too much or too little. And that will change as the children get older too. But right now, they're so little, you're right to put stricter controls on the situation. As the children grow, and as Grandma earns your trust, then it might change. But you are the one who gets to decide. There's no doubt that you're making your decisions on the basis of what is right for the children.
ReplyDeleteI don’t know your story (to be caught up on later), but it sounds like Grandma has huge boundary issues. I have struggled with this in my own relationships (some former through adoption) and the boundary setting was friggin hard, but so worth it down the road. Sounds to me like Grandma, not you, is struggling with control...
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