The Weight of the World

Have you even felt so overwhelmed by life things that it became a feeling of physical weight on your chest, pushing down on your shoulders, bowing your back and crumbling your knees? This was my experience this past weekend and I am still struggling to put down this heavy load. What could be causing such crushing feelings of defeat and anxiety you wonder? After all, most American moms were basking in the glow of Mother’s Day glory this past weekend…. Here are all the things….

 

1. Even though the surgery for my mom went as well as possible and the indications from the doctor all seemed positive, we are still waiting on the pathology results and she still has three more grueling rounds of chemo. So, she is in the clearing but not yet out of the woods. Her body has been through so much these past four years that she is struggling to recuperate at the pace she is accustomed to and this, plus all the pain (both physical and emotional) is taking its toll and her spirits are rather low. It’s been hard. And being unable to do anything to help, sitting by and watching this unfold, is also hard. Fingers crossed the pathology backs up the doctor’s belief that things are going ok and hopefully once she completes the chemo she is done with cancer for good.
2. Primero and I have been dealing with on-going issues. We are disconnected and my attempt to reconnect us was a dismal failure. I feel like I am losing him. Friday evening I wanted him to watch the kids so I could visit my mom in the hospital and go to dinner with my sister, brother-in-law, and father afterwards. Primero wanted to go to his friend’s house. I wasn’t asking him to not go, I was asking him to postpone going until I got home. But, he refused and his unwillingness to compromise, especially given where I was going, hurt me. Even worse than the fight and my tears as I marched the kids from the house, was coming home and finding a note from Primero. He was angry, he thought I was being unreasonable, he had his clothing and school clothes and I shouldn’t bother looking for him. That note, the threat of him leaving for the entire weekend or longer, it cut me so deep I felt the pain physically. I ugly cried as the weight of the world descended on my shoulders and the crushing mass squeezed me into mushy goo. I could scarcely catch my breath. I had written a 4 page note to Primero, then tucked it away and simply wrote, “Dear Primero – I love you. Love, (My Name). P.S. We need to talk….” And I laid the note on his bed.
3. Love Bug has been surly lately. I don’t know if it is growing pains or what his deal is, but his latest trick is to urinate on himself when he gets angry at someone. He has done it at home and at daycare. At daycare he has hit two of his teachers. He has also been defiant in a way he wasn’t before. It was hard taking them everywhere with me over the weekend. I hate grocery shopping and I really dislike grocery shopping when I need to take both the kids with me. They were acting wild, not listening, running, yelling, and it was unbearable. It was hard keeping them quiet in the hospital, thus why I didn’t want to take them. It was hard when I took them to the bank and Love Bug wanted candy and I didn’t have a quarter but even if I did it was only 10:30 and not time for candy. It was hard. I don’t like how hard it is, I don’t like how miserable it makes me to be around the children. I don’t know how to stop the madness. I almost left Love Bug at the hospital because he wouldn’t walk down the stairs.
4. In addition to how unpleasant our errands became, the children pulled a prank at home that made me livid. They found a tube of lipstick in the bathroom. It was handed to me on Saturday and I wasn’t that upset about it being destroyed but I should have been more instant on learning what was done with it. Chica Marie insisted she did not take it, did not touch it, had nothing to do with it. Until I discovered on Sunday that she used it to draw on her wall, on her bed, on her bed sheets. I made her clean it up and I was so angry that she lied to me I told her she was grounded for the rest of the week. As I was preparing them for their baths, I discovered they also scribbled on the window screen with the lipstick and when I was inspecting the screen I noticed they had managed to open the screen (the window was open because we hadn’t turned the AC on yet) and toss toys into the backyard. This was not only a problem because of the mess but also because it was incredible unsafe. What if they had fallen out of the window onto the basement door below? They could have been really hurt of worse. I was so angry I exploded all over the kids in the bathtub and sent them crying and sniffling off to bed.
5. Before the above happened on Sunday, Mother’s Day did not go as planned. My mom thought she was going to be discharged from the hospital, which is a good thing, except my sister and I planned on bringing her some muffins and celebrating Mother’s Day with her in the morning so my sister and brother-in-law could hit the road on their long jaunt back home. So, when she text us before 8 am saying she was just waiting on Dad to get there to take her home, we scrambled to come up with another plan. Ok, a quick muffin breakfast at home! Only….. Have you ever been discharged from a hospital? It takes an exceptionally long time to happen and so while my sister, brother-in-law and two rowdy kids and I drove my grandmother batty, my mom was “being discharged” for several hours until she made It home around 1 pm. We spent some time with her at my grandmother’s house before heading home. Primero did not go along with us, he stayed home and text me off and on throughout the day. I decided to make chicken noodle soup for dinner when I got home around 4. I thought Primero would eat with us because, you know, it was Mother’s Day and all. I had done a good job of not having any expectations up until that point. The dirty dishes were left unwashed in the sink, just like any regular Sunday. The laundry dutifully waited for me, just like any old Sunday. The house was in its usual state of disarray, just like most weekends. But, this one small thing. Dinner. I thought it could be spent together as a family. Primero chose to clean his room instead. Ok, maybe he will come upstairs and spend time with me when he is done. He did. For about 20 minutes while he ate his soup. And then he declared he was tired and went to bed, giving me a hug and saying, “Oh by the way, Happy Mother’s Day.” Later, when I was still doing the laundry, he came out of his room to ask me what was wrong. I told him it would have been better if he had kept his mouth shut because then I could pretend his didn’t realize what day it was, rather than the off-handed mouth-service to the day. The rawness from Friday evening came pouring back over me, washing me in it’s painful grief once again. And I was mad at myself for letting it hurt me because I spent a lot of time telling myself there were no expectations for the day. I guess it’s too much to ask for a little appreciation.
6. While we were visiting my mom at my grandmother’s place (they live in separate houses on the farm) my sister and mother commented on how rambunctious the children were being and how they were exceptionally disobedient and inattentive. I tried expressing how ADHD affected their behaviors but my sister insisted she had ADD and my mom interjected that my brother was hyperactive and yet they were not as misbehaved as my children. Coming on the tail end of the rough weekend I was having, why not a little mom shaming? So, it’s me? I’m the problem? Not the trauma they faced during their formidable years? Oh, ok.

 

I’m glad the weekend is past us now. I’m glad I have a year to recuperate before next Mother’s Day…..