When Primero didn’t come home Tuesday night, I changed the
keyless entry code and the master code. I realized, for too long he has had
power over too many things. He controls the Netflix account that I pay for. He
controls his Tidal and GameFly accounts, that I pay for. He knew the master
code to the keyless entry. He can access the cell phone account and he used to
be able to move money from my bank account to his own, but I stopped this a few
weeks ago when he took off because he got angry at me. I am slowly taking away
these privileges because he clearly cannot be trusted to have so much control.
He hasn’t spoken to me. He left his school shoes on the floor and the dog chewed
them up while I was outside playing with the children last night. I’m sure he
blames me. This morning he left the house early and lied to me that he was
going to school early. On the drive into work I was listening to a
representative from the local animal shelter talk about this dog named Moon. He
is only 5 years old but Moon has been in and out of the shelter all his life.
He is scared, even though he is a very large dog, and so he reacts negatively
when people approach him. As they described how great this dog is and how he
just needs someone to understand him and work with him, I started bawling. So
many people are fearful about giving a home to an adolescent in foster care. So
many people wouldn’t put their heart on the line to go through what I am going
through right now. It’s hard and it’s scary and I don’t know the final outcome.
I’ve poured my heart and soul into Primero these last four years and I love him
dearly. I won’t stop loving him. But, at the moment I simply don’t like him. I
don’t know why or how he has become this irrational, angry young man who thinks
he can do whatever he likes to do with no repercussions. In the past, when he
got in trouble, he would take the consequences and while he might not like
them, he seemed to realize it was his own fault. Now, everything is my fault.
It’s like he is growing backwards, in terms of maturity, instead of forwards.
He is regressing to a young teenager rebelling just for the sake of being able
to rebel. I feel like I can’t reach him and not just because he isn’t talking
to me at the moment. We have talked several times since things started getting
hairy a month ago, and yet almost immediately after our talks he went right
back to the bad behavior. And each time it seems worse. How do I get him to
stop lying to me? How do I get him to turn this around, to stop running off, to
go to school, to work his summer job and just be his kind self again? It seems
the only person he is willing to talk to is his toxic friend. I wonder what his
friend has been telling him? To leave and come stay with him? Primero is used
to the creature comforts of our home. How long would he last without them, I
wonder? I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew how to make this all better. I
wish I didn’t feel like it’s my brother all over again.
And I won’t relive that experience.
I'm really late to this. But I think that teenagers/young people rebel at different times - some at 14, some at 18, some even in their 20s. (Especially as young men's brains develop so much later than young women.)
ReplyDeleteAnd maybe, I wonder, is he rebelling now, because he feels more secure in his relationship with you?
Finally, I was going to say that you're doing the right thing taking privileges away from him. He needs to learn and understand consequences and respect, and in a few years it will be too late. Privileges are just that - a privilege that you earn through good, appropriate, respectful behaviour.
Of course, it's all easy for me to say. But sometimes, objectivity can help. Meanwhile, I send hugs.