Stages of Grief

Anticipation is often much worse than whatever thing is being anticipated. The feeling of dread the reminder pops back into your head, giving you a jolt of fear and zing of anxiety is often times much worse than enduring the event itself. I’ve been dreading Mother’s Day since I remembered last week this day is coming. It pushed me back into the beginning stages of grief – shock, denial and anger. This day, again? The memory of dashed hopes and dreams paraded through my mind like a bad TV flash back. I felt the weight on that old worn-out path, the self-pity and self-loathing. Coming into this week I moved into the bargaining phase, thinking I could avoid the day if we just went away somewhere. I tried to make the day not about me, but about my children, my mom, women in general, but quickly fell into the depression stage. And this is where I sit. Just plain bummed that Sunday is just two days away and I cannot stop it. Currently, we have no plans. If my mom is feeling up to visitors we will go to see her in the hospital, take her a card and some flowers and pray the children can keep quiet and calm for just a few minutes. Primero only discovered last night that Mother’s Day is this weekend. It seems like he might be making plans with a friend. I am training myself to have zero expectations, to think of the day as just another Sunday. Perhaps this is my form of acceptance?