Life is Hard

Life is hard right now. I’m sitting here, typing with my sunglasses on because I have a migraine developing. Many times my migraines are tied to stress, it’s my body’s safety valve when the stress gets to be too much. A migraine forces me to stop, rest, and reboot. It is most likely going to become an on-going problem. There are a lot of things stressing me out at this point. Life just feels so hard…

 

• Primero and I continue our roller coaster of friction and irritation with one another. He has lied to me and told me half-truths so much I hardly trust him anymore. He seems to always be angry with me, even when I’m not upset with him. We are dry kindling just a match away from an inferno. We talk, we try to settle things and put it all to rest, only to find another flare-up almost immediately after quashing the first flames. I worry there is something more going on with Primero, something I don’t know about that is really getting to him. I wish I felt like he was telling me the whole truth, but I fear he is not. I don’t know what to do, other than keep trying. It’s hard.
• I’m still trying to process the events of the weekend with the kids and their grandmother. I just wish things weren’t so hard and complicated. I wish we had better communication and that I didn’t worry so much about the children visiting and what they were allowed to do that I wouldn’t permit. Love Bug was doing something disturbing to a doll yesterday that had me worried about what the kids might have viewed on their sister’s tablet….
• Things have been rough again with Chica Marie. Last week she was defiant with her teacher, refusing to comply to even simple requests and burning through a whole host of activities while not giving one single f*uck at losing privileges. She was caught gyrating in front of a group of boys and allowed another child to take her earring out and lose it.
• Love Bug has gone a few days without peeing on himself but I’m not holding my breath. He has been acting in ways that remind me of his sister and it’s hard to see him being defiant in a way he never was before.  
• The rescue seems to think I’m not doing enough for our foster dog, Skye. I’m not socializing her enough or whatever. Skye does fine in our home with our dogs. I don’t have other dogs at my disposal to have her spend time with them and I would worry too much to take her to a dog park because she is half pitbull and looks like a pitbull and if she so much as growls at another dog it could be a problem for her.
• The pathology came back on the lymph nodes the doctor removed during my mom’s surgery two weeks ago. The doctor said he wasn’t overly concerned about them but he was wrong. The pathology showed cancer. My mom was in the hospital for nearly three days for an impacted bowel. My dad is worried she has cancer in her stomach. Other than the three rounds of chemo she already has planned, I’m not sure what more they are going to do. I know my mom was adamant about not wanting to continue chemo therapy if her time is limited. I feel like my world is falling apart.
• Work is hard with this new program we have started. Work used to be my steady thing, the thing that didn’t cause me stress. That is no longer the case. It’s hard.
• The daycare handed out fliers last week regarding their financial woes. They might raise the rates. My rates already increased because the children are no longer in foster care and, while we still qualify for a subsidy, it has increased by $84 per week.
• I think my grandmother is depressed. She misses my grandfather and the other side of the family has been squabbling with her. She isn’t as active as she had been in the past. I wish I could do more to help her.
• There are more projects around the house than I know what to do with and it’s hard to find time to get them done. Not only that, but I feel like I lack the proper skills to accomplish the tasks and so many of them I cannot do without help and, since things aren’t going well with Primero, help is not something I have much of at the moment.

 

I just need a break, a small one, a moment in time where things aren’t broken and I can breathe. It does not seem forthcoming. Lord have mercy on me.