Tenth Anniversary

Ten years. It seems like a life-time ago. It feels like a different person who was walking down the aisle ten years ago today. That other person had a very different take on how the past ten years were going to play out. She could not have been more wrong. It seems nothing went as planned. Life got messy and difficult in an unexpected way.

 

Ten years ago I had no idea I would be marking this day alone, no longer tied by the vows made in my parents front yard with the birds serenading us. On that day, infertility was just something that happened to other people. Divorce was not on the radar. Foster-adoption was an entire unknown. The day was beautiful, I was in love and that is still evident in the pictures, the ones I hide in my closet keeping that past life in my past. Ten years, it would have been such a happy milestone. I wonder if he even remembers the date? I don’t really care. He is a thing of the past.

 

I’m not exactly sad today. I’m not totally indifferent either. I feel more resigned. This is it, this is where my journey has taken me. I glance back, acknowledge the path, but I’d rather focus on the future. I might never find another man I’d be willing to vow to love forevermore. I haven’t had much luck in that category. It’s better to be alone than miserable with someone, at least this is what I tell myself. I wasn’t miserable with my previous boyfriend but I also wasn’t falling in love with him. I thought I had a chance with someone else until I discovered he was definitely uninterested in anymore children, miracle biological baby nor adopted. I’ve been alone long enough that it doesn’t scare me anymore.

 

**********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

 

In other news, my mom’s surgery went well. According to my dad, the small nodule on her lower bowel was dead, so the chemo did its job. There were a few curious lymph nodes but the doctor wasn’t too concerned about them. They removed her peritoneum but didn’t have to remove any bowel. She still has a long road to recovery, including three more rounds of chemo. But, in a bad situation, this is the best news.