When I first became a foster mom I dreaded going out with my
foster children for fear of being “that mom.” You know the one, you’ve seen her
around. “That mom” is the one with a tantruming child screaming and disrupting
your concentration as you quietly debate the ripeness of the tomatoes. She’s
the one with the child howling in protest because she wouldn’t budge on the no
ice cream for dinner stance while you are trying to enjoy your appetizers.
Anywhere you go you will find examples of “that mom” with the unruly child
causing other patrons to stare, either in hostile judgment or sympathetic
smugness. As a society we push the blame for the child meltdown squarely on the
shoulders of the obviously inadequate mother. “She can’t control her child,”
sneer the naysayers. Or perhaps, “Their child is too bratty to be out in
public!” Maybe, “If that were my child I would (insert suggestion the mother
has probably already tried).” In addition to whatever has set off the child,
“that mom” also has to contend with the disapproving stares of the people whose
expectation for quiet has been disrupted. As a new mom to a child with
trauma-related behavioral issues there was just no telling when something would
set-off the child and heads would turn in scorn, disapproving our disruption.
No thank you, I’ll just stay home. But, as a single parent, staying home or
leaving the child at home just wasn’t always feasible. So, I had to venture out
and risk becoming “that mom.” So many times my cheeks burned in frustrated
embarrassment as a child couldn’t keep it together while we were running
errands. I would try various techniques, often to no avail. So, I would rush to
finish our task and quickly retreat to the car to contain the disruptive chaos
as much as possible. Luckily, I have grown and I no longer blush with
embarrassment. I continue holding a conversation while handing something to soothe
a child or shushing them between sentences. Other people can look at us, but
they don’t understand and I don’t owe them an explanation. I do work to calm
the child, I do try to keep them from being disruptive, but kids can get loud
and adults have to learn to deal with that, not the other way around. Besides,
who says you have to be quiet in a grocery store?
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How many of those people who sigh and judge take that sighing and judging time and help out? So many small things a person could do to make someone else's hard outing a little easier.
ReplyDeleteI like your approach of continuing on with what you need to accomplish. I'm currently in the thick of potential meltdowns and I've often found that those who are fastest to judge are also those who have zero experience. The other day, I actually invited one gentleman to join my son in his timeout, suggesting he could use a moment to reexamine his behavior. The response from him and those around were very interesting (and it actually helped get He-Beat to reset).
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I agree. And you're right about silence in grocery stores. Needing to concentrate while picking a ripe tomato is over rated.
Great post! We booked tickets to fly our twins out to California in October to meet people who are very important to us and I have been dreading those judgmental stares. I needed this pep talk :)
ReplyDeleteFirst, kudos to you for being a foster mom. You deserve nothing but support for that. Second, thanks for the good reminder. I won't claim to never judge (sure I do) but I do try to have a smile for every parent and child I see, including the ones that are having a tough time. The only exception is parents who are insulting their child (eg swearing at them or telling them to shut up which just makes me cringe). I haven't ever had the nerve to tell a parent in person "wow, you are doing a great job" but one day I will! At least I can tell you, you are doing a great job.
ReplyDelete