Cry Me A River

Things are hard right now. There are glimpses and moments of happiness and contentment, but for the most part, I have a lot of things that make me want to sit and cry my eyes out.

 

• My mom is struggling emotionally as well as physically with the chemo. There were a bunch of clerical errors before she had her first round of chemo and then issues with the medication and a reaction during her chemo. She doesn’t want to continue fighting, she wants to give up and I don’t know what to say to her. My sister and I talked about how much we wish she would consider therapy. Apparently she told my sister she wanted to talk to our old pastor from childhood (there is a VERY long story that explains how shocked my sister and I were by this proclamation). I did some internet research and found him pretty quickly and we are letting our father decide to bring it up to our mom or not. My sister isn’t comfortable reaching out to him, so it will fall to me if we decide to proceed. I’m going with my mom to her next round of chemo in March.  
• For reasons I still don’t understand, I woke up with hives Saturday morning. It started on my back and progressed to my stomach, chest, arms and down to my upper thighs. Usually I call my mom about stuff like this because she is a nurse. But, my mom was feeling terrible from her first chemo on Wednesday, so I couldn’t very well bother her with my issue. I called my dad. He was less reassuring, but he did talk me into taking some Benadryl. I hate Benadryl because it makes me so drowsy. And, I only had children’s Benadryl. It helped with the itching but the hives remained until the next day when they disappeared as magically as they appeared. What’s disturbing is that I don’t know what caused them so I don’t know how to avoid making them come back.
• Primero, for whatever reason, decided to share with me his experimentation with marijuana, once over the summer with his ex-girlfriend and once edibles at school. The whole at school part has me the most upset, but I also don’t love the fact that he felt the need to try it to begin with. He has seen how this stuff pans out with his siblings but still wanted to try it for himself. He insists it had no effect on him and says when he smoked it I didn’t know. I might have been suspicious, but I don’t remember. I just feel a great disappointment. I’m sure other parents will tell me it’s no big deal, I should be glad it’s “just” pot, but that’s dismissive and unhelpful. Plus, this is combined with his drinking (which he also did at school and got caught) and general “I want to experiment” attitude makes me worry. Primero got upset when I said I was disappointed that he became a follower and let peer pressure persuade him. I’m still processing this whole thing.
• Last week at court was a mess because of an accident that was my fault. The beginning of February we were out shopping and the little ones were acting out, running around and not listening. At one point, I had scooped up Love Bug and I was trying to grab Chica Marie before she slid under a clothing rack. I tripped just as I grabbed her and ended up scratching her on the inner side of her elbow. I scratched her pretty good, leaving very noticeable marks. I felt terrible about it, since my intention was just to grab her arm not scratch her. I sent a text to her TSS and email to the CHOR case worker only it never got to the county. Thus, the whole hullabaloo during court. So, not only do I feel terrible about the whole incident, but now I’m worried which is only compounded by the fact that I can’t find the email I sent. This in and of itself could be a reason to break out in hives…
•  The guy I’m sort-of seeing announced to me yesterday he’s getting a vasectomy in April. I have a terrible poker face and he sensed something was wrong. I lied and told him I didn’t care but it’s tearing my heart out and it’s just all so stupid. It all feels like a cruel joke and I just don’t understand the punch line.
• I meant to do my taxes over the weekend but didn’t manage to get it done because Primero went for coffee with a new friend which ended up taking all afternoon and evening. I need no distractions to do the taxes (I use Turbo tax), so I didn’t even bother to try with the kids being awake. Doing your taxes doesn’t make you want to cry?  

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