New Chapter

I’ve been thinking about why I found it so hard to let go of inanimate objects. These things in and of themselves are fairly meaningless. Yet, I attached emotional meaning to them when they became tied to my hopes of being a mother. So, the crib and swing and all the stuff was somehow holding the dream, keeping the hope of a baby alive. But, the reality was, this stuff was just sitting in my basement. There were no (more) babies coming to sleep in the crib or bounce in the chair. Still, giving it away felt a lot like giving up. The silly part is, there’s nothing happening in regards to adding to my family. I mean, other than officially adopting the little ones, but as far as accepting another child into the home, that’s not happening. And, as much as I would like to keep fostering, I don’t think CHOR could approve my home for more children because I’m at capacity with three (I’ve always been approved for three). So, even with a lot of very good reasons, that emotional spot in my heart held onto these things. Some of it is the longing to have a biological child, which despite the odds I can’t readily shut off. Part of it is feeling regret for not cherishing baby Love Bug as much as I should have from the very beginning. Don’t get me wrong, I love him, but a small part of me also held back for a long time because I feared losing him and experiencing that pain. Again. And all of this got tied up into things; cold, hard, immovable things.

 

The things is, I want to be happy and content with my life right now, as it is. I love my children and while the path to get them in my life was not always a happy one, if I had to do it again to be their mom, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Yet, in contrast to that sentiment, I also wish things had gone differently in my life. I think holding on to the baby items, trying to keep a dying ember alive, it was making it hard to fully embrace the life I’m living instead of pining for the one I always thought I wanted. My hope is, in giving up the stuff, I can also let go of those constrictive feelings that bind me to a former me in a different realm of time. Too often I have a what if mentality, trying to prepare for an unknown potential in the near or distant future. I try to exert control over things I simply cannot control – probably as a results of not being able to control my infertility. Letting go hasn’t been easy, but growth is never without some discomfort. I do feel a sense of satisfaction, giving up things that are just unnecessary clutter. I am open and ready for new things, a new chapter to my life. And, you can’t start a new chapter without first turning the page, right?   

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