Finding My Lobster

Today marks six years since my ex-husband left. It’s a complicated day for me, one I’ve grown to despise. On the one hand, I don’t think romantic love should be celebrated just once a year and I’m not big on the showy, over-the-top displays of affection. On the other hand, it gets lonely being single and it makes me feel sad that there’s no one who thinks I’m special enough for even a simple gesture of love. I really should avoid social media on Valentine’s Day, but I didn’t think of it until it was too late. A mom to one of Chica Marie’s former classmates posted a card from her husband. It wasn’t that the card was uber romantic or anything like that, it just spoke to her. It had a picture of Ross and Rachel (from Friends) and the bottom had little red lobsters and it said, “You’re my lobster.” If you’ve never seen that episode of Friends you won’t really get it, but being a fan, it was cute. And it made me long for someone to “get me” like that.

 

On the romance front things are complicated. I don’t regret breaking up with my boyfriend and it’s not that I’m totally miserable being single. The complication comes from a friend. We’ve been friends for a handful of years and there has always been an underlying tension and chemistry but when we first met we were both married. Our friendship intensified when I became single but he was still married and I kept him very much at arm’s length. We now find ourselves both single and we’ve been making good on the whole chemistry thing. Except…. I like to know where things are going and we are solidly in limbo-land, which kind of bugs me. Some days more than others. I don’t think we are dating, but we also aren’t seeing other people. It’s just sort of a mess and, if I let myself think about it, I get a little crazy. I feel like I’ve done a lot emotional work and I’m really ready for a serious relationship. You can’t tell someone else when/if they are ready, but in terms of time, he’s only been separated from his wife for 2-3 months, so I doubt he’s ready to really dive back into something serious. Not to mention there’s his kids and my kids and I know his wife, we used to go to church together, so there’s that added awkwardness. I don’t know. It’s complicated. And all I want to do is find my lobster….